Sunday, October 29, 2017

Play it Again


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.


Wednesday, July 5, 2017


I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Waste of Space and Time

Tonight I feel fundamentally flawed.

Having Friends.   Having a Relationship.  Success in Work.   Going Out.   Getting Married.  Having Kids.  Getting a House.

These are all things that happen to other people. I'm just one of those people who has something wrong with them and other people can see it and they avoid it, they stay away. They give each other sidelong glances when they think I'm not looking. They try to end conversations with me.

And I try so hard to be liked, it's my driving force in life. It motivates nearly every decision.

But I'm so deeply flawed I can't even find a therapist who will talk to me like I'm a normal person. They are stilted with me, condescending, treat me like I'm crazy. Treat me like I'm wasting their time.

I'm wasting their time.

wasting their time

 their time.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Back and As Much As Ever

I'm not doing well. I didn't go to work today. Although, to be fair, I was worried about my cat since he puked something nasty on my pillow and I thought he might have an intestinal blockage. Now I'm watching him to see if he poops and he has not, all day.

Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.

I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.

I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.

My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.

She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.

Maybe I should make that list of  negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.

  1. My father thinks I'm a failure.
There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain. 

  1. My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
  2. my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable

I am getting chest pains already.

     2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school
     3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree
     4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application
     5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester

Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.
SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.

I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago.