Thursday, December 19, 2013

Dear Universe, I Feel Like Nothing Today

              Sometimes I don’t feel like a real person. Everyone else is living their lives but I am just a specter. I look human but I’m not one of them. People go out with friends, they have fun, they get jobs they like or at least move their careers forward. They fall in love and get married or go overseas and have adventures. They have children and go to recitals and soccer games and basically have day to day lives. 

                My days blur together with no change on the horizon. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to be someone to.

                Dark places are bad. I know that. This seems worse right now, this is a gray place. This is a place of nothingness where nothing happens and nothing changes. Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I joke with people and I smile and I feel good but at the end of the day I am empty. 

                Something isn’t missing in my life; everything is missing from my life. I don’t even feel like I have a real life; I’m just like a rock. I’m just here. I exist, that’s all

Friday, November 29, 2013

Fit & Fabulous: November update

Let me take a minute to acknowledge all my accomplishments these last couple weeks. I ran outside guys! It was more of a jog, but I didn’t get a migraine afterwards!

I actually dieted for two days! I don’t care what anyone says (mostly talking to the voices in my head here), this is an accomplishment and I’m going to be proud of it. Anyone who says differently can kiss my ass.

Last time I blogged was 11/14 so here are the badges I’ve earned since then;

Swim badge!

Yoga badge!

Ran outside badge!

3 Walking badges!   

2 Healthy Eating badges! 

Go me!! I’m making progress on being productive, although it hasn’t been quite enough to meet my goals.

 (Note: I wrote this post on Wednesday morning)            

I had a weigh-in this morning and I’m at 172lbs. So, it’s not my highest weight but I’m definitely still stalled. I haven’t been waking up early enough to go to the gym and swim (except that one day). This might be due to the fact that I’ve also been staying up pretty late. I guess I’m trying to make myself happy in one way or another and I’m just not really succeeding. Or perhaps I like watching TV so much that I just have no interest in going to bed because bed means I’ll have to get up for work where my soul dies each day.

When I get home from work I feel like a dead slug and all I want to do is sit in front of the TV and try to forget that I’m dead inside, so I haven’t been doing my physical therapy at home. I haven’t really been doing p.t. at work, either, because we haven’t had work to do. This means I feel just good enough not to do my stretches but it doesn’t mean I won’t be feeling that awful weird painful/stiff feeling in a couple of hours because I’m still spending the day sitting like a lump at a computer. I haven’t been recording my meals faithfully, either.

It could be because my routine has changed lately; I’m doing all that extra volunteering outside of work. It always takes me a few weeks (read months) to adjust when there’s a change like this
I don’t know what the solution is but I’ve got to keep tweaking my plan until I find it. I need to get out of this damn rut.

So I’ve had this yoga book forever, it’s called ‘Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 day exercise plan.” It was my first yoga book. I’ve never done the whole 28 days before; I always get stuck after day 3. But this time I’m going to do it. I’m going to do the full 28 days and then I’m going to do this ‘getting your body back’ workout in my Women’s Health “Big Book of Exercises”. I’m also going to still do cardio; I just wanted to find a way to do something like physical therapy but not physical therapy because obviously I’m not motivated to do those exercises at all. So here’s this week (I’ve already done day 1 of the yoga book)

Wed (11/27)
Thur (11/28)
Fri (11/29)
Sat (11/30)
Sun (12/1)
Mon (12/2)
Tues (12/3)
Day 2 yoga
Day 3 yoga
Day 4 yoga
Day 5 yoga

So, what am I going to do to solve the ‘I haven’t been doing cardio’ obstacle? Well, first I need to be doing things during the day that will make me feel good and not dreading the morning. 


Maybe I’ll just focus on feeling better during the day. What will make me feel like a real person?

  •  Getting work done at work/ being responsible and professional
  • Looking good
  • Getting some personal stuff done/ being organized and on top of my personal finances, the RA thing, blogging, housework, cat stuff, etc.
  • Knowing I have friends out there to talk to and hang out with
  • Doing something really fun.
  • Record your meals. Just do it!!!
  • Make sure you get your p.t. in during the day. Unless you want to be in pain. Prevention is worth a million cures (or however that saying goes). 
OK, so I’ll make a master list of all the things I need to do to accomplish those 5 things and put them in my calendar.

Master List:

1.       Check to see if I have work to do on all of my three projects and then do it.

2.       Since I’m already at work today there’s not much I can do to look better. And, since it’s a short week there’s no one here anyway so I’ll just leave that alone. Once I get home I can shower, put on some nice clothes and some makeup since I’ll be heading to see family for thanksgiving.

3.       I need to pack some stuff to take with me when I see my family, pay my rent, do laundry and iron my clothes, renew my library books and put flea treatment on my cats. I need to get Cleo a new collar and clean the litter box. I need to get that box of my old books and try to sell them to half-price books, and take that box of old, ugly jewelry to the pawn shop so hopefully I can get some money to buy Christmas presents for my family.

4.       For RA, they didn’t ask me to do anything so I’m good on that, but I could take a few articles with me for when stuff gets boring or my family starts talking politics.

5.       I’d like to write a draft for each of my blog series’, edit this one today and post it later tonight.

6.       Housework; I should probably straighten my apt and do the dishes before I head out. Maybe make my bed. And vacuum. I dusted and scrubbed last week so no need for that again.

7.       I talked to a friend today already but I’m going to put on my list to contact someone tonight as well. Even if it’s just a text.

8.       Something really fun? I’ll pick something from my fun list to do, maybe I will play piano.

9.       And of course, I need to go running again

         That’s a lot of stuff. Some of it may have to wait for Friday. I’m not really counting Thursday because it’s Thanksgiving and I’ll probably be with family most of the day.

So that’s the plan, I’m glad I’m able to end this post on a hopeful note. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Fit & Fabulous: September/October Update

Days dieted
Days exercised
Weight change
+1.2 lb.
-1 lb.

Sept/Oct were tough, I was not doing well at all with my diet/exercise plan. I’m grieving, stressed, depressed, and slightly rejected. You may have noticed my lack of posts lately and it’s just that I haven’t felt up to it much. I’ve still been writing some, but editing and declaring things ready to post have been impossible. So this will be a quick update and an overview of the new tweaks to my diet and exercise program.

            Since I made my last tweaks to my plan I’ve slipped off the bandwagon more often. The biggest tweak was to make it a goal to follow my plan every day except for the one maintenance day a week and 4 PMS days a month (where anything goes). For some reason if I say to myself; “I’m going to record my food everyday” I end up recording 0 days. I think I’m going to try recording/dieting just Monday-Thursday. It’s easier for me to do during the week and I really just never keep track on the weekends. So Friday-Sunday I’ll watch my portion sizes and try to eat healthy but not worry about exactly how many calories/servings I’ve eaten. And if I snack a little more, oh well, I’ll just try not to go overboard. If I get myself exactly what I’m craving, I find that I don’t need to eat as much of it. If I try to replace it with something healthier or not really the thing that I’m craving, I tend to eat more of it and even look for more food after that. So if I just nip that in the bud and get the food I want, I’ll be less likely to binge.

            Also, previously it’s been my thinking that I’ll just do the amount of dieting and exercise that I think I can handle and see how much weight loss results from that and hopefully it fits with my goals. No more. I went on WebMD and used their fitness goal calculators to find how much I should eat and exercise to reach my goal of 143lbs.

            WebMD told me that I could be 156lbs by Jan 1st and 143lbs by next May if I limit my food intake to 1518 calories a day, exercise off 188 calories per day, and drink 64oz of water a day. I looked at my diet plan and I’m already limiting my calories to about 1500 and my planned exercise is over 188 calories a day (averaged over the week). So if I stick to my diet and exercise plan that I have already, I should reach my goal before the date WebMD tells me I will. So if I plan to only diet M-Th, but I’m exercising a little more than I would need to, I should be able to offset any extra calories I consume F-Sun.

            I’m also going to do some different rewards like some small badges for short-term goals;

(pt stands for physical therapy)

            And some stuff I can look forward to for longer-term goals. Such as getting a copy of Allie Brosh’s book (from Hyperbole and a Half) once I lose another 10lbs (I’ll be at 162lbs). I love Allie’s blog and I’d really like to read this book so I think it will be excellent motivation to stick to my plan.


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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Dear Universe, Looking for Comfort in all the Wrong Places

               That’s what I’ve been doing lately; looking to the wrong things to comfort me. I always think that a certain food or curling up in bed watching a favorite tv show and playing minesweeper will comfort me. It does work sometimes, but those are my go-to sources of comfort if I’ve had a bad day or I’m moody, or I have extra time on my hands, or I feel I deserve it. And those things are totally valid reasons to search for comfort but I need to branch out and get some comfort variety because mind-numbing television and sweet treats aren’t always what I need. Sometimes I need validation – like from a friend or just anyone, really. Sometimes I need self-esteem – such as the feeling I get from being productive, having a clean apartment, or exercise. Exercise also lets me blow off some excess energy, a problem that tv would make worse.

                I need comfort variety. So today I’m going to try and make a list of things I can do that will help fulfill my needs (not a dirty reference). As a person with depression, I’m prone to tunnel vision and selective memory. Sometimes I can’t even think of things that I might enjoy and if I do think of them, the activity just seems too far away for me to actually do. I know that might not make sense but it’s the only way I can think to describe it.
Things I can do to make myself feel better;

  • Food
  • Tv
  • Minesweeper
  • Playing with my cats
  • Playing piano
  • Writing
  • Reading
  • Take a walk
  • Take a bath
  • Paint my nails 
  • Pampering with beauty products
  • Practicing makeup
  • Seeing a friend
  • Playing games
  • Talking to guys on dating sites
  • Talking to my online support group 
  • Texting/calling friends
  • Soaking feet
  • Photography
  • Try something new
  • Meditation
  • Reading blogs
  • Yoga
  • Baking 
  • Crafting
  •  Massage
  • Listen to music
  • Hot shower 
  • Go to a cafĂ© or coffee shop to write or just be
  • Watching wildlife outside my window
  •  Coloring mandalas
  • Watch a sad movie and cry
  • Take a mental health day
  • Drink tea
  • Singing

I’m going to try to do these things instead of the normal and update this list when I think of more comforting things.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Dear Universe, I'm Still Here

    Just struggling a lot lately. I'm not going to write now about why because I've already tried writing a few different posts about all the things going on with me right now but I haven't been able to finish and publish any because of some mental block I'm having.

I'm still here, still fighting, it's just kind of like running through chest-deep mud.


P.S. I love this picture. I'm super proud that I took it.

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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Kissing Toads: It Gets Better, then Worse

                After Kato and I went on that really awful date (Kissing Toads: A Good Date is More Important than Cheese) I got really sympathetic and made a plan. I thought maybe Kato was distressed about the money thing so that’s why the last date was crap, and I decided to invite him over to my place to have him cook me dinner. This is something we had talked about before and he had wanted to cook for me at his place during a previous date but his roommates had left the kitchen a mess. To be fair, I saw that kitchen and it was a disaster area. There were dishes piled up well over the top rim of both sinks. I wouldn’t have wanted to cook in those conditions either.

                I invited him to mine to cook and left early from work so I could clean my apartment top to bottom, especially the kitchen. It ended up being a fantastic date. He really is a good cook and he paid for all the ingredients. He even successfully paired the meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. I was totally over the moon for him…

                We had a couple of other really great dates; sometimes staying in, sometimes going out, so I decided I wanted him to meet my friends (I had met some of his already). My friend was having a party at a bar and told me to invite Kato to come with me. I thought, ‘great idea! We could dance, have drinks, and have a great time!’ I invited him and he said yes without giving me any reason to think that this wouldn’t be a good idea. He even told me he planned to dress up and I was really excited.

                When we got to the bar the wind shifted. Kato was no longer the friendly, outgoing guy I’ve gotten to know. Kato was uptight, rigid, his face unexpressive, and he barely said two sentences to anyone. My friends all tried to engage him in conversation but he just wasn’t giving anything back. Not even when we go outside where it was quieter. 

                 I got stressed and started drinking (he had refused to get a drink – at a bar!), and the drinks were a little stronger than I was expecting. I tried to engage Kato, but he was a statue so I went off to dance with my friends for a bit. I kept going back to ask him to dance and he kept saying ‘no, I don’t dance.’ He finally ordered a drink but stayed put at that table like he was glued to it. I stayed by him for a while, but he was mostly catatonic so I went to go dance again.
                When I came back that time he was doodling chemical equations on a napkin.
                Let me say that again; he was referring to his phone, writing notes and chemical formulas on a napkin, and talking to himself quite animatedly!

                WTF?? He kept doing chemistry, insisting that he needed to get to a laboratory, and actually tried to leave. I have had experience with what guys do when they leave a bar as drunk and crazy as that so I wrapped my arm around his and physically kept him next to me. That was how I finally got him on the dance floor (by physically making him, what fun…), but he was still rigid and just standing there.  

                My friends started leaving and I realized that any fun would be leaving with them so I put Kato’s hand on the bar and told him to stay there until I got back. I settled the bill (yea, I paid for all my own drinks, he never even offered to get me one), collected Kato from where I left him and got out. I still needed to sober up so I found a bench where we could sit and wait it out.

                We talked for a good long while. I honestly don’t remember most of it. I just know that the first stuff I said to him was very loud and a little angry. I wanted to know why he wouldn’t dance with me, if he even liked me, and what was going on with him. He remained very rigid and gave truly robotic answers, saying that he has a hearing problem and loud areas physically hurt his head. He came with me that night because he likes me and I guess he had just decided to deal with it.

                So I felt bad, but not really. He had told me earlier that he was at the same bar with his friend last weekend and he hadn’t mentioned anything to me about a hearing problem or being uncomfortable at all when out with his friend.

                We talked a lot more as I sobered up and I’m really embarrassed that I don’t totally remember that conversation. I remember that I felt a little better about him afterwards and took him back to my place (although we just went to sleep). In the morning, he was very sweet and affectionate. We had sex and it was really nice (I even came, one of those spasm-y orgasms with a release but no ‘pleasure waves’). 

I was feeling pretty good about him and he was back to being the Kato I like. He took me out to lunch and we walked around the mall. He was not super talkative but not in an awkward way. I took him back to his place after that and unfortunately that was when it got weird again. We had planned to go to this festival downtown on Sunday and I asked him if he was still up for it. He said, ‘can we just see how I feel tomorrow?’ 

                So… I was pissed. And hurt. I tried to keep it under wraps, though, because it had been a really stressful night and I could understand not wanting to go out with me again. But I’m getting tired of the roller coaster he’s putting me through.

 Any thoughts?