Sunday, September 9, 2012

Dear Universe, using voice recognition software is weird

So, new blog post! Finally set up my voice recorder so that I can dictate and Dragon will transcribe the files later. I wish I had a better microphone; two sentences in and I'm already having to make corrections. I'm using Dragon software by the way – Dragon premium 12. When I first started using it I was super excited, I was like "this is light years beyond Dragon standard 10! This rocks! I will do everything on the computer with Dragon!" But it has not been so easy. It's true I do like the new Dragon Sidebar that brings up all the helpful commands for whichever program you have open at the moment and accuracy is greatly improved. However, it's still kind of frustrating when Dragon doesn't do exactly what you want it to, which is often. I should probably spend more time practicing and training with it. Which is one of the purposes of this blog so hooray!

Holy God! It took forever to get the stupid computer to say hooray! But now it's doing it… Ha ha, I shall rule the world, your wish is my command…

Anyway, I don't know what to do. Having 60th thoughts about getting a PhD, I found online this list of things to ask yourself before going to grad school and one of them was something about knowing what you're passionate about. I have no idea what I'm passionate about. The only thing I think I've ever been passionate about is being a writer. When I was younger it was the first thing that I thought about when I got up in the morning last thing I thought about when I went to bed at night. I made up stories in my head all day long. I love writing, but now I can barely do it. I mean, the only time that I could ever really express myself coherently was when I wrote things down on paper. Now I can barely write things down at all thanks to myofascial pain syndrome… Thanks MPS you're super awesome. But maybe I can learn to write again using my best friend Dragon premium 12 (is the sarcasm obvious?). No, I actually mean it.. But I don't think being a writer is enough for me anymore (besides the fact that I sucked

Holy God! Again, and I really do not have the patience right now to correct that crappy last paragraph.

Mope, mope, and mope. Sulky sulky sulk.

Maybe I'm just tired. Let's see, Friday night I stayed up till 4 AM with our family dog who is sick, Saturday night I slept a lot but then Sunday I stayed up until two or three and then I forget what day it was that I stayed up all night reading the second and third book of the hunger games trilogy, but there was one night I did that.. And then the night after that I stayed up until 3 AM reading again, because I could not put down those books. They were so intense, and such an emotional wild ride! And of course, I got all swept up in the romance between Katniss and Peeta because it reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, I don't want to say anything else because I don't want to spoil the book for anyone, because it is a fantastic book. Thing is it is a dystopia so yeah expect that. Expect dystopian things to happen… Yeah. Spoiler alert – everything that can go wrong does go wrong, and I kept reading it hoping that it would end well you know? Have you ever flipped on the television and then gotten involved in a really suspenseful scary movie? You MUST see the end or else you walk around in this really weird mood like something really terrible will happen because that feeling is never resolved!

Anyway, I'm not sure this is totally readable however I think I'm going to transfer it to the blog now and think about going to bed. I had a crazy moment today where I thought that I should blog every day to help me work out what to do about my PhD, about pretty much everything, because talking things out is really helpful and my best friend lives on the other side of the world. And my second best friend is about two hours away and there's another girl that I'm becoming better friends with and she also lives two hours away. I just have friends in faraway places… This is not good. I need to make more friends I'm just not good at it. Especially the last couple weeks I just wanted to isolate myself. I just don't want to see anybody or anything. Of course that probably had a lot to do with that God damn birthday party that I went to a couple weeks ago where a lot of the people there were friends that I met through my ex-boyfriend so there was that crazy connection. And then one of them had to go and start running his mouth like an idiot, but he was definitely high and probably a little bit drunk. I am getting so tired, honestly, of people who altered their state of mind with drugs and alcohol and what have you. It seriously? It's starting to place me off. Because I can't have a normal conversation that people will remember later when I'm talking to people who are high or drunk most of the time. And these are the friends that live the closest by me, the ones that are 20 minutes away. Why are these the ones that are 20 minutes away? Honestly, I'm not judging if that is the way that you choose to live your life, then that is fine. It's just that it makes it really hard for me to have a conversation with people that they remember. I guess it's just kind of important to me. Maybe that's a quality that I really just want to a friend. The ability to remember conversations. Anyway, it seems like my friends were two hours away maybe asking me to go over there soon so that's nice. And I think that if I can get my 20 minute friend to come over to my place where there is limited alcohol and no pot then maybe we can have an actual fun night.

I'm going to try to take a look at this post and fix the mistakes, but please excuse all of my grammar, spelling, punctuation and other mistakes. I do write really well, it's just talking that is the problem, and unfortunately that's all I can I can do now.

Let's end this on a happy note: kitties!



Sincerely,

Jane







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Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dear Universe, have you ever had your heart ripped out?

Sad right now. Just sad and hurt. My boyfriend left me after 4 1/2 years, and I know it's all cliche but there's a reason for that. It happens over and over again, the man you love leaves. He said he loves me too but that he thinks eventually we would not work out and he gave several reasons that I think I've blocked out because I can only remember One reason: that I didn't know what to do with my life. And I remember he said that I don't have faith in anything, and he said it didn't matter what you have faith in as long as you have faith in something and it really bothered him that I didn't have faith in anything. I used to have faith in something, but how do you thought back?

Anyway, no matter what I change about myself I don't think that we could get back together. All the hurt would still be there and I'd never know if he would really never leave again.

I just can't stand him not being here, it hurts like hell I don't really know what to do with myself, I guess there's a lot of things I could be doing such as cleaning the apartment or writing or, I don't know, applying for grad school. I still haven't fully recovered from injury and I don't know if I'll ever be able to be a bench scientist again, which really sucks because I actually liked doing that. And it's like, so unfair to have something that you wanted, you worked for, but then it gets taken away. And I don't think that it's my fault, not knowing what I want to do with my life, because what I wanted to do has been taken from me. And my ex would say (let's just call him Jack), Jack would say that if you really wanted something you wouldn't let anything get in the way. But the thing is, I don't really want to be a bench scientist, I mean I do, it's just that there are other things I want more. For instance, not to be in pain all the time. And I really do want to study the brain, I guess I'm just scared. Scared of the commitment that it would take, I'm scared of what I would have to give up, which may even be more important to me than going to grad school. Because honestly, the thing that's the most important to me is to have love in my life, and trying to get a PhD, it just fills your every waking hour and I don't know if I'll have time for anything else. How come men can have success with this, but women can't seem to? I wish I could meet a woman who has a healthy relationship while being a PhD candidate.

Plus, honestly I don't have a great GPA. And I am scared of that rejection. Sometimes I get into this thing where I don't try because if you don't try you don't fail. Usually in school though, I would have those feelings until the very last minute before the deadline and then I would just get it done somehow. Not really sure how I got through school. I had the best intentions to study, to read the book, to go through my notes but it would always just fall through but I have to do everything at the last minute, and sometimes that worked out and sometimes it didn't. But the end result is basically that I am not sure I have what it takes to go to grad school. Jack would say you don't know until you try, and maybe I should try and then if I fail… Then I'll be really really hurt. Honestly, it would suck and I'm not sure that I have the strength to deal with that. And then what would I have left? What do I have left now?

I still have my family, and my cats (just two), and a handful of, I guess you would call them close, friends. I'm not sure if I can call them that or not, definitely not besties. I wish they would be a little more proactive in trying to help me and trying to see where I am but they don't seem to call me without me calling them. But I should have cultivated our friendships more before the breakup, and I knew that. I had so many plans to cultivate friendships last year, to lose weight, to meet a bunch of new people, and to develop interests so that when we did break up I would be okay and I would have just a huge legion of people around me to help me through it. But then I got injured, and my whole life focused on that, and it was just really bad and unfair timing. Besides the whole injury being completely unfair.



Sincerely,


Jane








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