Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dear Universe, have you ever had your heart ripped out?

Sad right now. Just sad and hurt. My boyfriend left me after 4 1/2 years, and I know it's all cliche but there's a reason for that. It happens over and over again, the man you love leaves. He said he loves me too but that he thinks eventually we would not work out and he gave several reasons that I think I've blocked out because I can only remember One reason: that I didn't know what to do with my life. And I remember he said that I don't have faith in anything, and he said it didn't matter what you have faith in as long as you have faith in something and it really bothered him that I didn't have faith in anything. I used to have faith in something, but how do you thought back?

Anyway, no matter what I change about myself I don't think that we could get back together. All the hurt would still be there and I'd never know if he would really never leave again.

I just can't stand him not being here, it hurts like hell I don't really know what to do with myself, I guess there's a lot of things I could be doing such as cleaning the apartment or writing or, I don't know, applying for grad school. I still haven't fully recovered from injury and I don't know if I'll ever be able to be a bench scientist again, which really sucks because I actually liked doing that. And it's like, so unfair to have something that you wanted, you worked for, but then it gets taken away. And I don't think that it's my fault, not knowing what I want to do with my life, because what I wanted to do has been taken from me. And my ex would say (let's just call him Jack), Jack would say that if you really wanted something you wouldn't let anything get in the way. But the thing is, I don't really want to be a bench scientist, I mean I do, it's just that there are other things I want more. For instance, not to be in pain all the time. And I really do want to study the brain, I guess I'm just scared. Scared of the commitment that it would take, I'm scared of what I would have to give up, which may even be more important to me than going to grad school. Because honestly, the thing that's the most important to me is to have love in my life, and trying to get a PhD, it just fills your every waking hour and I don't know if I'll have time for anything else. How come men can have success with this, but women can't seem to? I wish I could meet a woman who has a healthy relationship while being a PhD candidate.

Plus, honestly I don't have a great GPA. And I am scared of that rejection. Sometimes I get into this thing where I don't try because if you don't try you don't fail. Usually in school though, I would have those feelings until the very last minute before the deadline and then I would just get it done somehow. Not really sure how I got through school. I had the best intentions to study, to read the book, to go through my notes but it would always just fall through but I have to do everything at the last minute, and sometimes that worked out and sometimes it didn't. But the end result is basically that I am not sure I have what it takes to go to grad school. Jack would say you don't know until you try, and maybe I should try and then if I fail… Then I'll be really really hurt. Honestly, it would suck and I'm not sure that I have the strength to deal with that. And then what would I have left? What do I have left now?

I still have my family, and my cats (just two), and a handful of, I guess you would call them close, friends. I'm not sure if I can call them that or not, definitely not besties. I wish they would be a little more proactive in trying to help me and trying to see where I am but they don't seem to call me without me calling them. But I should have cultivated our friendships more before the breakup, and I knew that. I had so many plans to cultivate friendships last year, to lose weight, to meet a bunch of new people, and to develop interests so that when we did break up I would be okay and I would have just a huge legion of people around me to help me through it. But then I got injured, and my whole life focused on that, and it was just really bad and unfair timing. Besides the whole injury being completely unfair.



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