Sunday, July 21, 2013

Dear Universe, Jane Unedited

Why? Why, why, why, why?

Why am I still hung up on a guy who clearly isn’t hung up on me? I know It’s been a year but the fact that he’s still gone and not very responsive to messages from me plus he has a new girlfriend, all this hurts like hell. My heart aches again, not as bad as it did when he first left, but I thought I was past this. I thought I was at least mostly over him. Now, I’m ‘waiting by the phone’ for his emails, and checking my email account nearly constantly. He’s driving me crazy even from the other side of the world and it’s not fair. He’s clearly either not checking his messages or just not responding to me. Either way, PAIN. FUCK!!! Why the hell do I feel this way???? Yes, we were together 4 ½ years and I loved him so much I thought I’d love him the rest of my life. And then he tossed me away like trash. I feel like trash.

I feel like shit. My life is shit. I hate pretty much everything about it. I’m in a dead-end job I never wanted, held back by chronic pain and an inability to decide what to do next. Fuck Fuck Fuck. AND I haven’t even had sex at all in a year. A fucking year. I’ve been on three dates with this current guy and he hasn’t even made a move. I’m sexually frustrated, damn it. Damn damn damn it all to hell. Fuck this shit.

It sucks!!! So bad!!! I really loved him, I thought I'd love him all my life and I really REALLY hope I'm wrong about that because I hate feeling this way.
I have to hang up some laundry.

I’m back. At least I’ll have clean pants to wear tomorrow, and a clean bathroom. So I got a few things done today although of course, not as much as I planned to do. I plan a lot, planning is fun for me. What isn’t fun is actually doing the shit. My new therapist says I have an avoidance personality and he is totally right. 

He also says I show signs of hypomania. Which… I’m not sure if I agree with at the moment. And if I am bipolar, oh well. That’s just a new way of describing who I am; it doesn’t change me in the least. The only thing it would do is possibly lead my doctors to getting me the correct treatment. Why the Hell is getting properly diagnosed and treated so fucking hard? I’m 27 years old, for fucks sake! I was diagnosed with depression around 21 (even though I believe I’ve had it since I started going first grade). That’s a lot of years to go without proper treatment. You think, when you see a doctor,  that they know what the fuck they’re doing but it’s just not true.

And I’m fat. 

So basically, life sucks. The world isn’t fair and I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it….


Yeah, and my therapist told me to vent, so if you’re offended, do the obvious, sane thing and stop reading! As for me, I defy sanity. I say, “Hey sanity, what the fuck are you anyway? Are you even real?”  Is anyone actually sane? Or perhaps we all are; or maybe it’s just that the majority experience life one way and they call it normal and us ‘outliers’ are labeled insane. Or abnormal. Or whatever.
Fuck sanity. 

One of my favorite lines from Lost was when Hugo said, “Let’s look death in the face and say ‘whatever, man.’”

Hey Sanity! Whatever, man.



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