Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.
I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.
I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.
My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.
She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.
Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.
Maybe I should make that list of negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.
- My father thinks I'm a failure.
There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain.
- My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
- my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable
I am getting chest pains already.
2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school
3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree
4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application
5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester
Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.
I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.
I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.
I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago.