TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION
I haven't been posting much lately; I'm not really good about getting things done or following through on plans. I have a box full of dirty dishes in my dining room and actually it's not the only one.
I didn't go to work today. I actually just looked at the clock, realized I was ridiculously late and I knew I didn't give a shit about going in or even trying to get ready much less booking it to get there on time.
So I called in sick. It's not like I had a lot of work to do anyway and I'm not sure I would care if I did. I think something that was said at work yesterday triggered me. We are trying to improve our processes and there is a woman helping us; we had a meeting with her yesterday and she said she would be meeting with all of us to ask basically which tasks we like about our jobs and which we don't. One of my braver coworkers spoke up in the meeting and said it best, "I come to work, but not to work, because there isn't any work for me to do!"
I'm not sure I like anything about my job. But it's hard for me to look for new ones. I look through positions online but when I see open ones they usually do not excite me. Mostly it looks just like more tiresome bullshit. The ones I do get excited about and apply for, it's really difficult for me to write the cover letters because I get so anxious. But then I don't hear anything back and my self-esteem and motivation take hits that they can't really afford.
I tried to look a little for jobs today, but I couldn't do much. I got a headache and laid back down. There was a bit of sunlight that was very bright shining in my eyes and sunlight triggers my headaches. I think perhaps I am a vampire now. I've worked so long in a basement that I just can't handle being above ground during the day. It's probably a thing.
Anyway; to break down the timeline between my previous postings and now,
In a Nutshell
- I saw my psychiatrist (hereafter known as Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside); he was a horrible person. He deserves for me to sue him because he messed up my meds and upset me repeatedly; often yelling at me and all but telling me to shut up when I tried to tell him my symptoms.
- This spring I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal ideation. I would come in to work fresh from thinking about walking in front of traffic.
- I didn't have much of a support system. For various reasons I basically have no one to talk to about this. And because I was becoming desperate and because my coworker (hereafter known as Bitchy McTraitor) and I had started becoming closer friends, I confided in her that I was having a rough time and that I had been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
- She said I should tell my manager about my diagnosis but I disagreed. I didn't tell my employer about my diagnosis because I was afraid of giving them another reason to fire me. I know it's illegal, but they almost fired me before for a workplace injury that happened there so why not depression? They're shady, horrible people, and they proved it with all the shit that happened before with my injury. I have never trusted my manager and I told Bitchy McTraitor that.
- Bitchy McTraitor was initially sympathetic but soon distanced herself from me, and then began talking about me behind my back to other coworkers and complained about me to management. Apparently, she told management she was 'concerned about me,' but the stuff I've heard that she told other people does not support that at all. Mostly I think she was upset because I wasn't getting work done right away and she has always been one to look over my shoulder. But she should have also noticed me crying next to her at work most days. She is a heartless bitch. I mean, what kind of person sees a person, presumably a friend, who is in real trouble and says, 'man, look how this is affecting me? Look how much my workload has slightly increased because there's obviously a serious problem going on in my coworker's life. Instead of saying anything to this friend of mine and seeing if I can help her in any way, maybe I should go to management who have shown in the past that they have zero actual investment in the happiness of their employees and see how that works out.'
- This complaint led to me being written up for creating a 'hostile working environment,' and other work mistakes that were a bit shady and left mostly unexplained. I was given a week to 'improve the situation' or be terminated.
- By this time I had left Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside's practice and found someone new (an NP we'll call NP Flowers) who had straightened out my meds and explained (as much as I could understand) why Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside was obviously an incompetent prick. NP Flowers and I had a bit of a rough start but we're getting along fine now.
- So; once I got written up I kicked my working mode into high gear, I was mostly on time every day (as good as it gets), I quadruple-checked all my work before it went out, I did all my work right when I got it, and most importantly I scheduled time with my manager to discuss how to deal with Bitchy McTraitor.
- There's a lot more to this story, a LOT. But bascially, I kicked ass and I took fucking names and one of them is Bitchy McTraitor's. I am now back in my manager's good graces and I cover my ass every time Bitchy McTraitor makes some new bitch move against me, so that my manager can see what a complete bully and horrible person she is. I am friendly to them even though neither of them are in MY good graces.
Maybe I will tell the rest of that story some other time. There are a lot of stories here but I think it's time to admit I'm not good at getting things done and I just want to get some of this hurt written down. Maybe it will help me sleep tonight, I don't know. I'm really considering making cookies. Or going out to buy cookies. I don't know, I feel like I need cookies.
I think I may be on a downward turn again and that is not good. Maybe it was the adrenaline and anxiety keeping me going this summer and now I'm spent. I'm finally getting a new therapist and I have made the appointment for next Friday. Hopefully she can help me get enough confidence and motivation or whatever I need to get the right stuff to finally get out of this job.
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