That Serial Killer I Dated, Part III (TW-assault)

In therapy today we talked a lot about past relationships and how they made me feel about myself. The Serial Killer came up and my therapist told me that he does a lot of work with people who have trauma and PTSD and that actually in most cases the first instinct is to freeze. He told me I don't need to feel bad about that or own it as a part of me that is defective because it's a biological response that happens in a lot of animals. They may end up running but at first they freeze.

To some extent I already knew that, but I also took it as a sign that I am passive and defective. I wrote the first part of this in 2014 and I know the incident happened before that, but I'm not sure exactly when. I just now skimmed what I wrote and it's hard to read. I had forgotten most of what happened, especially his name. I don't remember some of the things I wrote actually happening, and maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure I would recognize him if I saw him. But then again, I'm sure I would recognize his mannerisms like his posture and the way he talked, that was definitely distinctive. And his thin, light blonde/brown hair. Definitely similar to Trump's toupee. I've thought a few times about what I would do if I saw him again, especially since now I'm working in a similar field to what he was. I've always tended to think I would threaten him, and tell him that I would never be alone with him and that if I saw him doing ANYTHING inappropriate with a patient that I would end his career. Or just tell his boss what he did to me, and try to get him fired. I've fantasized about him coming in to the therapy department, seeing me and then just walking out again because he would know that he wouldn't be able to work there. Or, that I would reference the movie we watched to see if he remembered and then watch the color drain from his face as he realizes that I OWN his career and I can sink it with just a few words to coworkers and bosses. 

My therapist said that we brought up a bunch of things I haven't thought of in a long time and it might make me have some uncomfortable emotions, and I guess we'll continue to talk about this next week. It's nice to feel heard and feel like I can be honest with someone without it going badly. In the end, this series of posts is not about the Serial Killer, it's about me. I would like it to be about me moving forward and improving and learning to trust people - but not putting my trust in the wrong people. There are some really terrible people out there and they don't deserve my trust or my time. 

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Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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I think my blog got deleted

I think this blog got deleted? So we'll see if this actually publishes. Anyway, it's been almost three years since my last post so obviously I'm great at consistency. I just wanted to post this short thing today because I watched a TED talk that really resonated with me;

I Am Not a Monster: Schizophrenia by Cecilia McGough

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbagFzcyNiM

I recently told my therapist that I feel like people treat me like a monster when they learn that I have Bipolar disorder, and I think this video really illustrates what life is like sometimes with a disorder like this. We can't let fear rule our lives and lead us to treat vulnerable people like they are dangerous.

That's all.

I hope you all are having a safe isolation period.

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Play it Again

Fuck.


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.

Jane

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Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









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Just Sayin'

I'm a good person


But I'm not a nice girl.

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Back and As Much As Ever

I'm not doing well. I didn't go to work today. Although, to be fair, I was worried about my cat since he puked something nasty on my pillow and I thought he might have an intestinal blockage. Now I'm watching him to see if he poops and he has not, all day.

Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.

I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.

I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.

My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.

She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.

Maybe I should make that list of  negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.

1. My father thinks I'm a failure.

There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain. 

1. My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
2. my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable

I am getting chest pains already.

     2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school

     3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree

     4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application

     5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester

Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.

I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago. 

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Crashing

I'm not sure if this is going to be a coherent post. I was clearly in hypomania for at least six weeks or so; I was sped up and felt like I had caffeine in me all the time. But now I feel slow and depressed. It's hard for me to think of things when people ask me questions and my thought processes are all around slowed down. I have a heavy heart and I feel like shit. Like a shit. I feel like a piece of shit.

Good and bad things have happened, that's not what this is about. I can clearly feel that this is my chemistry cycling into depression just as it has many times before. I was happy earlier, then irritated, angry, now sad. I just don't want to be this sad. I guess I have to pay the price for the high I felt earlier.

I told my meds doctor that I had stopped taking my Lithium because I thought I didn't need it. I thought that perhaps I was misdiagnosed and maybe my illness should be classified as Major Depressive Disorder as it has been for like 10 years...

And the lithium didn't seem to be doing anything for me, I don't even get side effects from it, it felt like a sugar pill. So, I just didn't worry about taking it every day.

Once I started to feel some negative effects of the hypomania like the irritation and the anger, and I was super rude to this guy at work and starting to get written up again for being a jerk, I started taking my lithium again.

AND I've asked my meds doctor to add something for anxiety because I have been on the edge of my seat nearly every moment of the day. It takes so much for me to relax at night. Sometimes I do ok and then other times I need to listen to guided sleep meditations and it might take multiple ones before I can relax my muscles and breathe easy.

My illness has been nuts lately. The hypomania and depression and anxiety would be enough but I've also been possibly experiencing such social anxiety as to border on paranoia. On wikipedia (great source, I know, I know...) it says that "Social anxiety is at the bottom of this hierarchy as the most frequently exhibited level of paranoia."

And " A paranoid person may view someone else's accidental behavior as though it is with intent or threatening."

I feel that these quotes totally describe me. Recently, I've had to turn my music up in the office so that I can't hear others' conversations because otherwise I start to think they are talking about me; gossiping and saying negative things. A couple times I've felt so intense about it I've had to go down and try to get a drink of water or something near them so I could hear what they were saying and see if they were talking about me. They weren't of course.

Or, once, a couple of my coworkers left around lunchtime and I thought they had gone out to lunch without inviting me. I had to listen to some breathing exercises on my phone to calm down. It turned out they had just gone to the post office and as soon as they got back they invited me to lunch.

Another time, I noticed my boss had left the office with our HR director and I was sure they were talking about how I was 5 minutes late that morning and how HR didn't like me and wanted me gone. But it turned out they had gone to buy food for our annual picnic. I mean, they could have still been talking about me.

I've had this problem since middle school, where I'll be certain that a nearby group of people is saying bad things about me and I'll be really angry and embarrassed and not be able to think about anything else.

Last week I accused my therapist of not listening to me, being condescending, and saying a few things with a nasty/mocking tone. She assured me that was not her intention, and told me that it made her uncomfortable that I said those things and that she felt she had to be careful with every facial expression, gesture, and word she said. She said she would still work with me but did not understand why I wanted to still work with her.

If I have intense social anxiety, every therapist is going to make me feel uncomfortable, but should I keep silent when I feel hurt? Or is she maybe a jerk and not owning up to it? Who would?

The problem is dizzying.

Does my therapist have good intentions?

Well, it didn't feel like it to me.

But, I know that I often have symptoms of paranoia.

And yet, shitty people still exist and have done shitty things to me.

She seems to know her stuff, knows CBT and does more than just ask, 'so how was your week?'

Doesn't mean she didn't have a bad day, and is now trying to cover her ass.

Well, everyone has bad days, they shouldn't be hated forever for it.

That is true, and she does seem like a good therapist. But, I'm not sure she wants to work with me anymore. And, maybe her bedside manner just sucks. And, if social interactions are my problem shouldn't she be trying to help me instead of kicking me to the curb?

Well, she said she would continue to work with you. So she didn't completely kick you to the curb. There is some uncertainty about whether she will end up cancelling. A good therapist should definitely help no matter how uncomfortable they are, as long as it's not in a sexual way. It's what I would do. Haven't I earned that in Karma, yet?

I don't know, maybe you need to wipe some more butts and wash some more feet first. Or maybe Karma doesn't work that way - or doesn't exist. 

 I don't know where to go from here. This was supposed to be the basic argument - I didn't feel like she had good intentions but I'm crazy so maybe she did, but I'm crazy so how am I ever supposed to know the difference?

Yea, it kinda got off track.

It's ok, no one's going to read this far. 

 I can't afford my therapist anymore anyway.

I kinda think you should do one more session with her - just to see what happens. Will she cancel? Will she freak out? Will it be awful? Will it be ok? Will she insist you see someone else afterwards? It could confirm or deny your fears.

Some fears are better left unconfirmed...

For science?

I was going to say let's talk again but now you're getting on my nerves.

Sorry.  

Damn, I can't even be nice to myself. Well, I knew that. My nightmares are too disturbing to talk about. 




 
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Recovery: So What Now?

You know what's weird about recovery?

Every fucking thing.

If I'm not binging, or picking, or obsessing....

What the hell am I doing? It's like there's a great big hole in my life tonight. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't there yesterday and it probably won't be there tomorrow. But, tonight feels very weird.

I haven't binged in a month. I've rarely even felt the urge during that time and it's pretty unclear why. I got sick twice last month; the first time with a nasty stomach bug where I threw up bile (yay fun times...) and then a week later with the flu which included a lovely 101.7 F fever. That one took me about three weeks to fully recover from. And for two of those I was not regular at all.

So during these sick weeks I had zero appetite. The thought of food made me ill and all I ate was crackers, jello, applesauce, and maybe soup - near the end of it. The first time I was sick I was pretty much done with eating that stuff and SO ready to eat real food again. As soon as my appetite was back and pretty much right on the line of thinking I could handle it: I went out and bought myself a half dozen donuts.

My appetite still hasn't really come back after the second time of being sick. Well, I shouldn't say that exactly. I want to eat food but my appetite has changed and the way I go about making food choices has changed. Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

LISTEN TO ME.

Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

Not as a diet plan, not because my therapist suggested it that week, I'm doing it AUTOMATICALLY.

WITHOUT THINKING.

 Well fucking shit.

Do you know what I'm having right now? A smoothie. I have access to snacks, but right now my body wants something cold, refreshing, a little sweet - something like juice (but I don't have any juice) and I chose to make this smoothie. Although, I'm realizing now that I'm still hungry and I could use something more filling - maybe one of my veggie corn dogs or just a hot dog.

I usually would have consumed a package of something chocolate by now.

I'm sorry this post contains so many paragraphs - it's just how I'm feeling right now. Each thing I'm doing is a fucking Eureka - breakthrough - moment and shit.

I'm also sorry about all the cursing. Well, not really.

Anyway, let's return to the original thesis; recovery is seriously weird but I didn't really notice it until tonight. I talked with my therapist today and he asked me if I missed the binging and what I did instead as my evening ritual. I told him I didn't miss it and the truth is I barely even noticed. The transition from listening to what my body needed when I was sick to listening to it when I was well was so gradual it was absolutely seamless. I'm sure it also had a lot to do with all the things I've been learning in therapy about HOW to listen to my body. I'm definitely going to keep reading the book I started about mindful eating since I think it has had a direct correlation to this event and I only completed one of the exercises.

So what did I do instead of binging?

Honestly, some nights I picked. I have dermatillomania and I have often picked the skin off my feet before or after binging so I just went straight to it when stressed this past month. I also still watched a LOT of tv, and played on my phone - Sudoku is my thing.

But tonight I got bored of that. I mean, it IS pretty dull doing that in your free time all the time. I'm not saying I'm to the point where I'm really going to start doing anything else... simply because I'm too stubborn to say that. I don't know why - some sort of mental block. Like - I'm not wasting time, I'm gonna do whatever I WANT, bitch!

But... maybe what I want to do is changing a little?

I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say here. Recovery is uncomfortable. Sure, I'm not binging tonight but what AM I doing? Who am I underneath all my disorders? Now I'm restless and I've got to deal with everything that the binging 'treated.'

Blech.


























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Republican Gamers, Homophobes, and Staying Home

     I can't believe it's been three months since I last talked to those Republican Gamers. The DM did text me and asked me back over for a game night a month later but I turned it down. They have not asked again. I guess I just didn't feel like I could go back over there.

I haven't been gaming anywhere else either, there's this guy who is a giant homophobic bigot (who reeks of cigarette smoke - sorry, guys, I hate that smell) who declared in the middle of Machi Koru that he thought he and I liked each other and that he wanted to make sure that we played the next game together. I laughed way too loud and awkwardly and really did not know what to say. If I had been suave and cool and perhaps a normal person I might have said,

"I'm sorry, I was really just enjoying your company as a friend and I'm not really interested in anything more."

But in front of everyone? I'm just not that coherent. I mean, he was fun to play with and I was friendly toward him but not that friendly. At least I didn't think so.

And, if you're wondering if I have any reason to call him a homophobic bigot, I do. He got up on his soap box in front of everyone about how he had to stop watching certain shows because they have gay men on them now, but he's OK with lesbians as long as they aren't 'the butch dyke ones.' Right...

The sad thing is when I was there I was talking to the Republican Gamers, and lamenting how people can actually still hold these opinions and the DM drops the bomb on me that he really feels the same way about gay people but he 'knows better than to spout off about it in mixed company.'

Shit.
So, I haven't been back to that gaming circle either. Two down.

I HAD been trying a new place downtown. That's the one I had been thinking about cancelling in my last post. It went SO WELL. We played Fate which is an RPG where there is no DM and you basically take turns telling parts of the story. It was really fun and there was a couple of really cool guys who showed up to play.

 But guess who suddenly started showing up downtown for their next games?... um, yes, Homophobic Dude. I guess I could have gone anyway but honestly he's a big guy and it's scary enough trying to go to new places where you don't know anyone and you're not really sure of your surroundings, then suddenly you think this big, crazy guy who may or may not have been a gunner in the military seems to be stalking you? Easier to stay home.

It's really a shame because I was getting into gaming and RPG's. Mostly the people there are into the same things I'm into plus the games were the right amount of complicated so that I could sink my brain into them and not think about anything else. It's kind of like what I was doing with TV before, but healthier. Instead of using a hobby to shut off my brain, I was trying to think through all these rules so that I could ruthlessly destroy my opponent (and drop some nerdy jokes while doing so). It really was a lot of fun, I miss those Republican Gamers. But, I am really not sure what I would do at this point.

I don't know if the problem was me or them, you know? Should I really expect myself to be able to get along with people whose views are so fundamentally different from mine? And, weren't they pretty big jerks about it?

OR, is it me? Is my view skewed? I saw them as attacking me but is that my personal neuroses? Were they really acting like normal people and I was the one acting like a fucking nutcase?

I'm really a broken toy right now when it comes to personal relationships. 'You hurt me, or scare me, or weird me out at all and you're gone' has been my rule for a while now. It's not a fantastic rule.











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I Am a Hermit, Don't Ask Me Questions

So, lately I've been doing pretty well and going about my business like a normal person.

Then tonight, I'm at my friends' house playing board games and they start talking politics. It's late, and they have moved seamlessly from one topic to this one and there was no chance to excuse myself.

Three Republicans in a room with me, the only little Democrat, trying as hard as I can to defend our president and other various 'liberal' atrocities. Even though, I'm interested in full discussions of things and examinations of issues and I don't necessarily have views that run exactly down the party lines, it feels to me like everyone is staring at me in anger. They get that angry tone everyone gets when discussing heated topics and it all seems directed at me. They move from one topic to the next, before I've even begun to analyze and ask questions about the first topic. It's not a tennis match - it's a battlefield with cannonballs whizzing past my head.

I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T EVEN WATCH THE NEWS BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF AND BE UPSET ALL THE TIME!!!

It just makes me feel like I can't socialize like normal people do, because I can't handle this - very normal thing. People discuss politics. Mostly they don't go home and cry afterwards because they feel like their friends were angry at them.

I don't know how to not take it personally. If someone is looking at me angrily and using an angry tone, it's upsetting!!! And, when I get tripped up and have no idea what anyone is talking about because I avoid all this stupid news crap because when I read it, it puts me in a negative frame of mind which can continue all day and is frankly quite dangerous for me.

I had another game day scheduled with a different group of people, people whom I have never met before on Sunday but I'm not sure if I'm going to be up for going. It was going to be stressful anyway because of the newness, but if I'm already hurt and not feeling great emotionally, it's going to be very difficult to socialize at the level of the 'normals.' I may end up being withdrawn and shy and it's an RPG and that is very bad for RPG's.

I will wait until tomorrow and see how I feel before cancelling. In the meantime, I really wish I had some chocolate.












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Filling Time

Sometimes things will really hit me. Like tonight, maybe it's the super-red-moon or the fact that there's someone outside my window looking at the moon and I kinda wanted to go out and look at it too, but I saw myself in the mirror and I look like an insane homeless person right now. So I can't go outside.

Then I think: this is why I'm not married, it's because I'm fat and ugly and I never really mastered the use of clothing and makeup. Then I feel angry-sad and frustrated and I think of the people in my life who have what I want and how picking out bridesmaids dresses with my sister is super frustrating and awkward because I'm so hideous. Then I think about other frustrating things like my job and how this one coworker is always interrupting me and talking over me to tell me how 'precious' and 'adorable' it is that I have a backbone over some issue or another, and then I start to see red. I get the tunnel vision and I tense up and wander angrily around my apartment, looking for things to eat.

My body image issues have been pushed up-front with the bridesmaid dress thing. Trying on dresses with my sister's other, thinner bridesmaids made me feel very on-display. Plus, my sister dancing around my size issue is like an old white man trying to pander to a minority crowd. She will never really get it and she makes these terrible, cringe-worthy comments. I had to come up and tell the sales-lady that the corset they gave me was two sizes too small, and I made a joke about it that I thought was fairly funny - the saleslady chuckled. But, I look over at my sister and she makes that 'tsss - oh' face and I think: what the hell?

Sometimes I hate my family. I know I can be rude sometimes, but I don't treat them the way they treat me. My rudeness is just repressed rage that comes out in little bursts so I don't literally explode.

So I decided I needed a break from family for a little while. Except, my sister keeps texting me about wedding stuff and I keep thinking about it because I'm not good at letting things go.

AND work has become 100% more stressful. Having staff is the worst. I'm getting frustrated with a few people who are not treating me with respect and taking me seriously.

My work environment is very informal, so some of rage-y Jane is starting to show herself. I'm getting a little too comfortable and a little too stressed, I think. I'm a quiet person and I don't have a lot to say most of the time but when I do want to talk, I expect people to listen. Because it's my turn, I listened to them and they should listen to me; that's what's fair. But certain people at work like to interrupt me or talk over me and not let me speak. And that is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. So... last week I just kept talking, and cut them off when they cut me off and did what I had to do to say my piece. But it did not feel good at all. I felt angry and disrespected and dirty. Polite conversation is my thing, I don't like what I have to do to talk them. I mean, it's not like I yelled or anything but it would be nice to find a different solution to this.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this post really has any cohesive point. Maybe just that I would like to begin separating my personal and professional lives a little more, now that I'm beginning to have distinct differences there. And, focus on work during work time only, so that I can try to cut down on some of this extra thinking about work that is not productive and just angers me. If I can make my personal time more fulfilling then I'll be more refreshed to deal with work stress.

I went on two dates with a guy, but that didn't go anywhere and wasn't very eventful. I've been going to play board games at this couple's house who I met though meetup.com. I was going to a game night at a church but recently have just been gaming with this smaller group at their house. It's been pretty fun. Kinda stressful at times, because I'm not used to having friends and socializing in a non-work setting. Especially awkward was when they were talking politics, partly because they all seem to be republicans and I'm a democrat. But, they seem to like me so far so I'm trying to keep that going.

I met up with an old friend from high school who I had a falling-out with in college. We caught up and I'll probably meet with her again. (The falling-out was partly over religion. Hooray, religion and politics - worst topics to discuss with people, ever)

I started counting my steps when I work on Saturdays since I do a TON of walking, and I'll count it as an exercise day as long as I reach 10,000 steps. I did 23,000 last Saturday and at least 15,000 yesterday (I forgot to check again at the end).

So, I guess that's it. Miscellaneous update about stuff.

Jane                

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My TV addiction

Let's talk about how boring writing is and how much I've needed noise in my life since college.

So, lately my obsession has been watching vlogbrothers videos on youtube. John Green is a novelist who writes YA books like Paper Towns, which I just read on vacation. I discovered John's videos before reading his books and I think the main reason for my obsession is just that he is very mature while also being very silly. He is smart but humble and the one picture that caused me to look him up from the start was this;

 

As a person who has been struggling with questions of the dating realm for a few years now (and probably should have struggled a bit more with those questions earlier in life) this really struck home for me. Suddenly I thought, well... this guy exists and has this awesome opinion so maybe men aren't all bad. I know, I don't ever want to come across as the 'Feminazi' but if you read my previous blog posts you have to admit I've had it pretty rough lately and I've only written about a fraction of it, you guys.

Hopefully he's not a unicorn.

Dating sucks ass, you guys, but I'm not really wanting to talk about that right now.

The point is that John Green and his brother are awesome, smart, and compassionate, and they are just the sort of people that I am looking to try and surround myself with. AND it turns out they actually have a whole community of fans called nerdfighters that maybe I can get involved with. I haven't seen anything IRL as of yet, but I will be keeping an eye out.

ANYWAY, the thing I actually wanted to talk a bit about was how I was watching one of John Green's video's today and he was talking about how boring writing is and how reading is not really conducive to our multi-tasking, immediate-update culture. That made me think about how since college, I have needed noise in my life. I've just needed to have some kind of TV show running basically at all times because when I don't, I start to think too much and get into depressive thought cycles. College was one of the more difficult times of my life because of how depressed I was and how early on I was into my diagnosis and treatment. I have done so much work since then on my thought processes;

Meta-cognition; thinking about thinking, and then changing how you think, is incredibly difficult.

Anyway, when I was so sick with depression, TV was a fantastic balm. Books didn't work because my anxiety level was so high for a year I physically could not read any more. But I could lose myself in television. My boyfriend (this is the Jack from my earliest posts) thought it was pretty sick: a Fahrenheit 451 level of distasteful. But, when you have cancer, don't they shoot poison into your veins? Most people don't understand just how bad my illness got.

I'm not at that level of depression anymore but I still watch TV like it's my job. I feel a little uncomfortable without it being on. Maybe it was my methadone? But now I'm still addicted to it. And, it impairs my ability to be quiet and to do things that require quiet such as writing. I even do my yoga while watching a TV show (one that isn't yoga). When I was living with my parents I think I sought out quiet more because it was so loud there with my sister and my dad. And, of course, going to high school there was so much noise there.

Maybe I don't really like the quiet as much as I used to think I did and when I moved out on my own  I ended up being a lot more lonely than I have cared to admit. And so, I just like to hear the people talking on the TV even if I'm not really paying attention to the show. Maybe if I balance my life out a little more and have more people in it then I will seek out the quiet again and write and read and play music and do yoga without needing TV.

I am working on my life balance and most of the time I feel so unsatisfied because I am 29 and things are not where I want them to be. But it has been good today to remember where I used to be. I'm glad I'm not there anymore and I have come a long way, I have made progress. But, I probably will continue to watch John Green videos while I finish my laundry because he inspires me. He inspired me to write today. Thanks, John.

Jane               

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THE UPDATE

     A lot has happened in my life over the past 6-8 months. I got fired from my crappy job for really crappy reasons, spent maybe one working day unemployed and then started a new job in home health care. After about four months of that, I was promoted to supervisor and even though I'm still down about $10,000 a year from what I was making at my last job I have to say it's completely

WORTH IT

     Is my food budget $25 a week? Yes. Do I now consider buying clothes at Goodwill a splurge? Yes. My life is completely turning around and it's all because I got pushed into a situation that looked incredibly terrifying and could have resulted in the more terrifying situation of moving back in with the parents (I would have needed more medication but I still don't know if they would ever condone treating my mental illness to the point of helping me get meds for it; and who knows if they would have let me keep my cats - thank God this didn't happen).  But then my supervisor thought that maybe I could do more for the company and a position opened up at just the right time as I was letting her know that I was available to work more hours so she put me up for an interview.


    I have also stopped dating. There are many reasons I can say that I am doing this but at the end of the day it is because I am tired of men trying to push me into things I'm not ready to do, sometimes literally and physically. Maybe I choose the wrong guys - even though when I am choosing them many times I barely know them, having just met them through a site or maybe 5 minutes of speed dating or something - or maybe there are just a lot of assholes out there. Either way, while I'm healing and growing and exploring my own psychology, I just want to stay safe and the best way I know how to do that is to stay single and 'off the market.'


    I am doing better psychologically. Working in home health care has been great for me. My hygiene has improved, I even clean my apartment more. I've been taking my meds really regularly, maybe something about telling other people to do it makes me feel I need to be really responsible about it. Taking care of people is really therapeutic and has made me feel really connected to people. I usually feel like such an outsider, but my social anxiety is really lessening. Well, besides it being a very busy office where I have to make phone calls RIGHT NOW and I have no time to ruminate about things (well, less time), knowing that people's health and well being, and sometimes their lives, are in my hands has made me step up and somehow past my own insecurities. When it's about me, it's not as easy to give a shit. But I've started to become a bit of a mother hen to a collection of very random people, some of whom I may see only a couple times and then never again and it's VERY COOL.


note: sorry about the grammar, my computer is very slow right now and it's seriously throwing me off.

   Jane                

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Angry at the Parents

I'm feeling very disappointed and just hopeless that I'll have a good relationship with my parents. I found out this weekend that, although my dad had found out through the insurance company that I was diagnosed with depression when in college, he never told my mom. And then I told her, and her response was pretty underwhelming. I expected she might be angry at my dad, I thought she might want to talk to me about it maybe even apologize for not being there for me.

But there was none of that. She just carried on like I had said nothing. She even had a great opportunity to talk to me alone about it, and she didn't say a word. 

Then I had an argument with my dad. We are switching cars and I signed over my title to him and now he's saying we need to switch license plates. He's a terrible communicator and I just can't believe he really understood the person at the BMV because how can you take a plate off of one car and put it on another? So I said that I don't think that's what the woman meant and he started to get angry and said, 'well, i don't want to buy new plates!'  

And it went downhill from there. First I've heard that we'd have to get new plates, and if he was so against it, why did he insist we sign the titles now in the first place? This was just something i'd been doing to humor him, because he wouldn't leave me alone about it, I don't have any idea why he wants me to have the title to this car, they're both his cars and even when I've had the title to one of his cars, he treats me like he still owns the thing so I really don't give a shit. I'm saving up to buy my own so I can be free of his insanity.

So I left pretty angry and my mom was like, 'let's make a plan to go walking next week,' and I didn't make any commitments because spending time with them any time soon is the LAST thing I want. I am at the point where even thinking about them stresses me out enough that I'll want to abandon all healthy plans and go home, curl up in bed with some chocolate. If they call or text me, I'm mad for days. Who knows how long it's going to take to recover after these interactions.

I just want to forget these people exist for a while.

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Proposal Season

My sister is getting married; she just told me tonight.

I'm glad I'm not there and that she told me over the phone because I don't think I could muster up being happy for her right now. I'm sure I'll be happy soon, once I get over myself but right now I'm just feeling all kinds of dark, awful things.

It just makes me feel more acutely all the things I don't have right now. Career? Gone. Love? No boyfriends, not even platonic friends.

She said he proposed to her at this spot they go to every year, even though they've had a long-distance relationship they've managed to meet there. It's very romantic. I wish I had a spot I went to with someone repeatedly. There is no spot, there is no one.

I can't even seem to put my life together, every time I try it falls further apart. I'm just grasping at threads that used to be seams, bits of fuzz that used to be fabric.

When will I be anything else? Will I grow old and die as the fat spinster aunt that everyone is just a little bit worried about and a little bit wary of?

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That Serial Killer I Dated, Part I (TW-assault)

                 It was our third date if you count the speed-dating event where we met. He was a doctor of physical therapy with a nice condo in the city and he had asked me over to cook dinner for me. His place was clean and very bachelor-y with the only décor being his framed degree hung up on the wall next to a bookcase full of binders of school notes and anatomy and physiology books. His furniture was all brown or black pieces; not fashionable or modern, but it was clean and tidy. Big TV, naturally. When I got there he was still cooking the meal, fiddling with the stuff on the stove and vegetables in the microwave. He poured a couple glasses of wine while we waited and it was nice, really. I had some reservations about him because of our last date but I was being put at ease. 

                On our second date, we went to a museum and it was really awkward trying to hold a conversation with him there. He was soft-spoken and would walk behind me or away from me in the middle of a conversation so that I couldn’t hear him anymore and I would have to follow him around or twist myself around to keep talking. That got old as soon as it started. Besides that, he was literally pushy. I think he was trying to joke around and he just randomly shoved me while I was on the steps at the museum. Looking back now I know to think: WTF??!! But at the time I was just annoyed and took it like I always take things like that: pissed off inside but not really clicking that it’s wrong for someone to do that to me. I pushed the feelings down, said nothing and kept walking. He pushed me a few times. I thought about taking the elevator to be sure that I wouldn’t fall down the stairs in the parking garage.

                Back to our third date; dinner was nice. We had a much livelier conversation than on the previous date and the food was pretty good. The steak was a little too overdone but he had still cooked for me and that’s bound to win you 3,000 points unless it’s absolutely inedible. I was enjoying myself but then somehow we got on the topic of Disney fairy tales versus the original stories. I say something about how sleeping beauty was not kissed but actually raped awake (remember we are having a good conversation and I am feeling at ease at this point). Then he comes back with, “Yeah, but he married her afterward,” with an absolutely serious face.

                “What?”

                “He raped her but he married her afterwards.”

                “That doesn’t make it not rape. That doesn’t make it any better.”

                He didn’t answer me, just took a drink of wine. 

    “I need to know that you know rape isn’t cancelled out by marriage.”

    “No, of course it’s not.”

                After dinner he offered me more wine and even though I said no, he went on to pour me a very large glass, finishing off the bottle. After our exchange, I was set on not drinking it to make sure I was sober enough to leave. I was looking for a polite way out when he suggested we watch a movie. 

                “Ok, maybe I can stay for half a movie.”

                He put on an old, obscure movie that I had never seen before but one that he insisted was a ‘classic’ and I ‘had to see it.’ He sat down on one side of the sectional sofa and I placed myself on the far side of the L shape, away from him. 

                “You haven’t been drinking your wine.”

                “I told you I didn’t want any more. It keeps me up at night.”

                “Come sit over here.” I didn’t really want to, but he insisted so I sat down next to him. He inched a bit closer. After a while, he put his arm around my shoulders. I was still a bit tense and the movie was from the 90’s and boring. I watched the clock and wondered when would be a good time to make my exit. Then, without any kind of warning, he scooted himself down and laid his head in my lap.

                I was in shock. 

               “Will you pat my hair?”

               “What?”

               “I want you to pat my hair,” he picked up my hand and laid it on his head, moving it up and down in patting motions.

               “No, that’s ok.” I took my hand away. He grabbed it back and put it on his head. I tried to take back my hand but he held it firmly on his head. I tried to stand up, but he used his head on my lap to apply pressure and keep me sitting down. My heart was beating at a thousand times a second, I had no idea what to do. I stayed still.

                He made me stroke his hair again for a little while and then he sat up straight again. He was talking to me but I have no idea what he said. I was panicking. But I stayed still.

                He put his hand on my head and pushed me down into his lap. I think I actually felt a piece of my mind snapping. He held me down there with his arm and wouldn’t let me up. I think he continued to talk. I struggled but he was too strong. So I stopped and waited.

                He let me up and I stood/rolled off the couch and onto my feet, sliding my coat from the chair onto my back like I’d practiced it a million times and grabbed my purse. 

               “I have to get up early in the morning so I’d better go.”

              “Why do you have to go all of a sudden? We haven’t finished the movie,” he reminded me of a snake, poised and dangerous.

               “I really have to go.” I walked calmly towards his door, “Maybe we can finish it next time.”

               He got up and walked to the door as well, joining me in the doorway. I wondered if I screamed, if any of the neighbors would notice. I remembered my mother always told me to shout ‘fire!’ because that’s what gets people’s attention.

               I said, “Have a good night,” and I gave him a short hug. I walked away briskly to my car. I have never driven away from a place so fast in my life.