When it's ADHD, but You Don't Find Out Until Your Mid-Thirties

 So, diagnosis update. I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type. It's been a long journey to get this diagnosis, both before and after I suspected I had it. It really sucks that I had to realize it myself before I could try to get formally diagnosed because it's something you have for your whole life and is usually diagnosed in childhood. But, because I wasn't a 'behavior problem' when I was young, and I got good grades, no one saw any reason to test me. I'm not sure that they completely understood ADHD in girls when I was young. My mom says I could never sit still, but I could sit still in class. I think I was always so scared of getting in trouble that I was able to minimize some of the symptoms. But, I wasn't really living in the world for a long time. I would daydream and stare into space a majority of the time but I was smart enough to not need to pay attention in class and I read books every chance I could get, so I was intuitively good at english and spelling. My mom worked with me on many concepts outside of school and made her own worksheets and lesson plans. I think the tendency to daydream was not only a result of ADHD but because I was being bullied in school and my dad was struggling with his own issues and would get really mad sometimes. I learned to be quiet and to not set people off. And I learned to be in my own little world and just endure what was happening in the real world. So, briefly I will say that I also have been diagnosed with PTSD, because of my childhood and then abusive romantic relationships as well as several assaults in my adult life. I think I also have PTSD from dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. I have had these symptoms all my life and have been asking for help with them for over a decade.

•  My struggle with being on time
• starting tasks
• completing tasks
• being very sensitive to any sign of rejection from other people
• strong, overwhelming emotions
• not being able to understand people when they speak at first - sometimes it seems like they are speaking another language and then if I'm given a few seconds, I can process what was said and suddenly I understand it. 
  

    These have been very scary to deal with and I always just thought there was something particularly wrong with me. I thought I must be lazy because everyone was telling me that I just needed more self-control, more will-power. I was told by a therapist that "you'll be on time when you want to be on time." It was always assumed that my struggle with being on time was because I didn't want to go to that particular place, even though I've insisted that it wasn't true and that I wanted to be on time. No one believed me. Even my own mother thought I was lying to get out of doing things when I said that I forgot to do them. Both my parents thought I was extremely passive-aggressive and that being late to family things was some sort of manipulation tactic.

     Especially the auditory processing disorder. I have always thought that I was just stupid. Or that it was anxiety. I say "what?" a lot. So much that I get embarrassed that I haven't heard someone and I just pretend that I did hear them and I try to guess what they said. That doesn't always work and it gets really awkward. Sometimes they repeat themselves several times and I still don't have any clue what they're saying. Sometimes I just give up and get quiet. Just go back to my fallback of enduring the situation until it's over.

    My current theory is that ADHD and PTSD are at the root of my other diagnoses. I think I get depressed because I can't do things that other people can do so easily, and I didn't know why until now. It's hard for me to relate to other people, because I don't just do things because I want to and when I think of them, and I have trouble participating in conversations because I can't understand what's being said and sometimes the conversations move too fast for me to process, especially if there are a lot of people involved. It's so alienating, and I've developed social anxiety because of that and because I wasn't a normal kid and spent so much time in my head. I've always been anxious about sharing too much with people about my daily experience because they will reject me. My boyfriend in college lost a lot of respect for me when I said that I watch TV to shut off my brain. He told me he couldn't believe that I would admit that, because he just didn't understand why you would want to shut off your thoughts, and he thought that was something only lazy people would do. I have too many thoughts. Sometimes I get into a thought loop and it just repeats the same thing over and over and over.... Sometimes I think about something in my past that is really upsetting, actually for much of my life that type of thought has been almost constant. It's really hard for me to get on a different track cognitively, and switch to thinking about something else once I start thinking about negative things, and TV is a great tool to help me shut things down and get into a different headspace.

    I just want to feel ok. Like I'm not a failure and a screw-up. When I don't have to do things right away, I watch TV and I get on my phone and cuddle with my cats and just revel in the feeling of not having things due and not having anyone demanding anything from me. I do that every chance I get and the result is unfortunately that I end up not getting things done. 

    I don't think I deserve condemnation for using TV to medicate. Or for using sugary foods and binge-eating to help with my emotions and then gaining a ton of weight, or for developing OCD to compensate for forgetting things all the time, or for developing dermatillomania because I'm restless and anxious, or for developing a strong freeze response when I feel threatened, or for being a really quiet person because I want to avoid upsetting other people and/or making them angry at me, or for developing this weird thing where the expression on my face doesn't match what I'm feeling - which is an effect of trauma.

    I am frustrated that I was not diagnosed earlier, and that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and took lithium for so long which I didn't need to be taking. I'm frustrated that my symptoms were ignored by so many people including my parents and several different mental health professionals. I am frustrated that I feel like I still can't talk to people about this in a way that will make them actually believe me that I'm struggling with these symptoms and not being lazy or trying to manipulate someone. 

    I am happy that my parents finally believe me and are finally beginning to understand me better. I am glad that I have this diagnosis now so that I can try to get treatment and so I can finally understand myself and work toward a solution to what is the root of my problems.

Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









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Recovery: So What Now?

You know what's weird about recovery?

Every fucking thing.

If I'm not binging, or picking, or obsessing....

What the hell am I doing? It's like there's a great big hole in my life tonight. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't there yesterday and it probably won't be there tomorrow. But, tonight feels very weird.

I haven't binged in a month. I've rarely even felt the urge during that time and it's pretty unclear why. I got sick twice last month; the first time with a nasty stomach bug where I threw up bile (yay fun times...) and then a week later with the flu which included a lovely 101.7 F fever. That one took me about three weeks to fully recover from. And for two of those I was not regular at all.

So during these sick weeks I had zero appetite. The thought of food made me ill and all I ate was crackers, jello, applesauce, and maybe soup - near the end of it. The first time I was sick I was pretty much done with eating that stuff and SO ready to eat real food again. As soon as my appetite was back and pretty much right on the line of thinking I could handle it: I went out and bought myself a half dozen donuts.

My appetite still hasn't really come back after the second time of being sick. Well, I shouldn't say that exactly. I want to eat food but my appetite has changed and the way I go about making food choices has changed. Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

LISTEN TO ME.

Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

Not as a diet plan, not because my therapist suggested it that week, I'm doing it AUTOMATICALLY.

WITHOUT THINKING.

 Well fucking shit.

Do you know what I'm having right now? A smoothie. I have access to snacks, but right now my body wants something cold, refreshing, a little sweet - something like juice (but I don't have any juice) and I chose to make this smoothie. Although, I'm realizing now that I'm still hungry and I could use something more filling - maybe one of my veggie corn dogs or just a hot dog.

I usually would have consumed a package of something chocolate by now.

I'm sorry this post contains so many paragraphs - it's just how I'm feeling right now. Each thing I'm doing is a fucking Eureka - breakthrough - moment and shit.

I'm also sorry about all the cursing. Well, not really.

Anyway, let's return to the original thesis; recovery is seriously weird but I didn't really notice it until tonight. I talked with my therapist today and he asked me if I missed the binging and what I did instead as my evening ritual. I told him I didn't miss it and the truth is I barely even noticed. The transition from listening to what my body needed when I was sick to listening to it when I was well was so gradual it was absolutely seamless. I'm sure it also had a lot to do with all the things I've been learning in therapy about HOW to listen to my body. I'm definitely going to keep reading the book I started about mindful eating since I think it has had a direct correlation to this event and I only completed one of the exercises.

So what did I do instead of binging?

Honestly, some nights I picked. I have dermatillomania and I have often picked the skin off my feet before or after binging so I just went straight to it when stressed this past month. I also still watched a LOT of tv, and played on my phone - Sudoku is my thing.

But tonight I got bored of that. I mean, it IS pretty dull doing that in your free time all the time. I'm not saying I'm to the point where I'm really going to start doing anything else... simply because I'm too stubborn to say that. I don't know why - some sort of mental block. Like - I'm not wasting time, I'm gonna do whatever I WANT, bitch!

But... maybe what I want to do is changing a little?

I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say here. Recovery is uncomfortable. Sure, I'm not binging tonight but what AM I doing? Who am I underneath all my disorders? Now I'm restless and I've got to deal with everything that the binging 'treated.'

Blech.


























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