Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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Just Sayin'

I'm a good person


But I'm not a nice girl.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

My Playlist Right Now

                   There are some songs right now that are really jiving with me. Like Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off.’ So many players and haters in my life right now (including the imaginary ones in my head). Not that anyone’s saying I’m promiscuous; well, I don’t know what they are actually saying because what people say and think about me is their business, not mine. But, whatever they think;

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

                One of my new favorite artists, Meghan Trainor, sings ‘All About that Bass;’ a song all about curve appreciation. I love it; it makes me feel good to hear someone being brave and saying, “I know I’m bigger and you know you love it.” Full disclosure coming: I’m a size 16 in the hips and a 38D up top. I don’t really know how to dress myself to look good and I wear makeup really only 10% of the time. The fashion and makeup stuff is a skill/time issue but I still remember what it was like to be skinny and look very sexy naked and I just don’t feel like I do anymore. I have a new body now and it’s songs like this that help me learn to appreciate it. Body-anxiety is very distressing pretty much every time I think about trying to be in public or dating or even making friends (or being with my self-righteous sister who likes to condemn people when they order fries for lunch or breathe a little harder when going up stairs).

                Third, but definitely not least on my list is by another singer I’ve just discovered; Mary Lambert. Who, in one of her videos actually wears a dress that I own myself! I was geeking out about that (OMG, I wear the same dress as a celebrity, suck it my fashionista friends…). Her song, ‘Secrets’ hits a very personal nerve. About every line is true for me; except I don’t love my butt, I’m not gay,  and I’m not scared of the dentist I just hate it there.

I've got bi-polar disorder
My shit's not in order
I'm overweight
I'm always late
I've got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

[Pre-Chorus:]
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can't think straight, I'm so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I'm passive, aggressive
I'm scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won't shut up
And I never really grew up

[Pre-Chorus]

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

(I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

Link to her website http://marylambertsings.com/

The Celebrity Sex List

Since all my posts have been so negative lately (well, shit happens to me, what ya gonna do?) I thought I'd throw in something purely puffy just because and to say that I'm not upset all the time. Sometimes, I think about stuff like this;

The Celebrity Sex List

The Celebrity Sex List is the list of people you can have sex with even if you're in a relationship. Even though that really isn't me right now (When you're single, your sex list is just: 1. Everyone), I definitely know who would be on mine.

1. Benedict Cumberbatch

Well, he was just so fantastically HOT in The Hobbit;

  

 Couldn't resist.

But, he is hot.

I didn't see it immediately, but after a couple episodes of Sherlock something clicked for me. I think it's his smile and how he lights up when he's acting. You just have to see him work, I think. Also, word on the internet is that he's a fantastic guy, a feminist, and a soft kisser (Molly's own words);

Swoon.

2. Colin Morgan

He's more than just the skinny boy who started out on Merlin. I think I may have a think for unconventionally attractive European actors who play characters with supernatural abilities? In any case, yes to Colin : )

3. Aaron Taylor Johnson

I usually tend to go for smart, more handsome guys. But this guy I put on this list for one reason only and that is one of the last scenes in Kick-Ass 2 where he is all buff and doing one-arm pull-ups, Oh  my  God.

 

 

4. David Tennant

Um, well, he's the Doctor. 

And, his love story with Rose Tyler will always be one of my favorites. It's actually the reason that I got into watching Doctor Who.

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones

I've always had a celebrity crush on this lady. She is so classy and sophisticated, yet totally sexy. I may never have completely swung that way but I'm confident I would for Catherine.

Some Ado About Triggers

My blog talks about some heavier stuff in general, but there are times when I'll need to delve into even darker things and I don't want trigger any kind of negative response in someone else who might be sensitive to that topic.

So I'm taking my cue from other forums and websites on the internet and adding trigger warnings to my blog if I am going to talk about any kind of trigger-y topic. It will look something like this;

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

These are for the more serious topics such as suicide. For other topics, always use your discretion.

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You Know it’s Cold When…

     It’s cold as frozen shit here in the American Midwest and it doesn’t seem quite fair. Especially when comparing temps with other ‘classically cold’ places;

Temperatures this Monday;

Anchorage, Alaska: Hi 41⁰F   Lo 35⁰F

Moscow, Russia:     Hi 12⁰F    Lo -6⁰F

The North Pole:       Hi 29⁰F    Lo 15⁰F

Me:                            Hi 2⁰F      Lo -15⁰F

     At least it will be colder at the South Pole with a high of -30⁰F and a low of -33⁰F but that’s really not that comforting. Good luck, everyone, and I'll leave you with my list of the top ten You Know it's Cold When...

10.  You’ve turned the heat on as high as it can go.

9.  You take showers to stay warm, not to get clean.

8.  You stop shaving your legs because you need that extra hair to stay warm.

7.  Given a choice between a smoothie and bland hot cereal for breakfast, you choose the cereal and are really excited about it!

6.   You stop doing the dishes and cooking because it’s too cold to be in the kitchen.

5.  You have to seal up your a/c unit to keep from freezing inside your own home.

4.  You start to think of 10⁰F as a lovely, warm day.

3.  You have to rush out and buy a space heater as a matter of safety.

2.  You pile all the blankets on your bed, make a nest and proceed to hibernate like a bear (including bringing snacks).

1. Your cats join you.

                                          

 

my sealed-in a/c

Jane












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