My Playlist Right Now

                   There are some songs right now that are really jiving with me. Like Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off.’ So many players and haters in my life right now (including the imaginary ones in my head). Not that anyone’s saying I’m promiscuous; well, I don’t know what they are actually saying because what people say and think about me is their business, not mine. But, whatever they think;

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

                One of my new favorite artists, Meghan Trainor, sings ‘All About that Bass;’ a song all about curve appreciation. I love it; it makes me feel good to hear someone being brave and saying, “I know I’m bigger and you know you love it.” Full disclosure coming: I’m a size 16 in the hips and a 38D up top. I don’t really know how to dress myself to look good and I wear makeup really only 10% of the time. The fashion and makeup stuff is a skill/time issue but I still remember what it was like to be skinny and look very sexy naked and I just don’t feel like I do anymore. I have a new body now and it’s songs like this that help me learn to appreciate it. Body-anxiety is very distressing pretty much every time I think about trying to be in public or dating or even making friends (or being with my self-righteous sister who likes to condemn people when they order fries for lunch or breathe a little harder when going up stairs).

                Third, but definitely not least on my list is by another singer I’ve just discovered; Mary Lambert. Who, in one of her videos actually wears a dress that I own myself! I was geeking out about that (OMG, I wear the same dress as a celebrity, suck it my fashionista friends…). Her song, ‘Secrets’ hits a very personal nerve. About every line is true for me; except I don’t love my butt, I’m not gay,  and I’m not scared of the dentist I just hate it there.

I've got bi-polar disorder
My shit's not in order
I'm overweight
I'm always late
I've got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

[Pre-Chorus:]
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can't think straight, I'm so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I'm passive, aggressive
I'm scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won't shut up
And I never really grew up

[Pre-Chorus]

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

(I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

Link to her website http://marylambertsings.com/

Dear Universe, I call myself the Blue Morpho

Dear Universe, I call myself the Blue Morpho   

There’s a difference between laziness and being too afraid to face the world. I am the latter. Whether it’s because I fear failure, because I feel I’ve already failed, sometimes because I just can’t face all the stress of having to interact with people, and or sometimes because I just want time to stop. I just want to lie in bed, in that moment between waking and getting up, and stretch it out forever so I never have to face the day. I don’t have to face my mistakes or any sort of challenge. Sometimes I just stay in bed all day, awake for a while and then drifting back to sleep again. I feel like most of college I just wanted to be unconscious and for a while there I was sleeping about 17 hours a day. I wanted all the exciting potential ahead of me and the naïve belief that I wouldn’t screw it up again. I would think, ‘next semester I’ll do all my assignments on time and do them well.’ That hopeful moment where I really believed I could do everything the right way was the moment I wanted to live in. Time continues on. And it terrifies me. Sometimes I just Shut Down. 

I have had depression most of my life. I fluctuate between mild depression and major depressive disorder; I have some anxiety, some compulsions and I binge eat. I’ve been treated on and off starting in college, and (three years after college, I’m 26) recently started a new treatment program. One reason I’m starting this blog is to talk about my experience with mental illness; when I was younger I felt so cut off from the rest of humanity and I’d like to think I’m doing my part to get information out there that others can use to help themselves or just come to know they’re not alone.  Sometimes I struggle, sometimes I shut down and sometimes I feel free of it all; Caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly.

The Blue Morpho also represents change (morph), and how I am constantly trying to improve myself in various aspects of my life; losing weight, improving my wardrobe, making new friends and taking care of old friendships, expanding my skill-set, learning new things, improving my career, finding new hobbies, finding that special someone, reinventing my living space and last but not least – recovering from an injury that derailed my career and profoundly affected my life. I want to share some of these challenges as well through this blog; hopefully conveniently organized by adding a series title to the title of the post such as Fit and Fabulous and Write Again.

Also, I like butterflies so it works out.  : )


Sincerely,

Jane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.