When it's ADHD, but You Don't Find Out Until Your Mid-Thirties

 So, diagnosis update. I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type. It's been a long journey to get this diagnosis, both before and after I suspected I had it. It really sucks that I had to realize it myself before I could try to get formally diagnosed because it's something you have for your whole life and is usually diagnosed in childhood. But, because I wasn't a 'behavior problem' when I was young, and I got good grades, no one saw any reason to test me. I'm not sure that they completely understood ADHD in girls when I was young. My mom says I could never sit still, but I could sit still in class. I think I was always so scared of getting in trouble that I was able to minimize some of the symptoms. But, I wasn't really living in the world for a long time. I would daydream and stare into space a majority of the time but I was smart enough to not need to pay attention in class and I read books every chance I could get, so I was intuitively good at english and spelling. My mom worked with me on many concepts outside of school and made her own worksheets and lesson plans. I think the tendency to daydream was not only a result of ADHD but because I was being bullied in school and my dad was struggling with his own issues and would get really mad sometimes. I learned to be quiet and to not set people off. And I learned to be in my own little world and just endure what was happening in the real world. So, briefly I will say that I also have been diagnosed with PTSD, because of my childhood and then abusive romantic relationships as well as several assaults in my adult life. I think I also have PTSD from dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. I have had these symptoms all my life and have been asking for help with them for over a decade.

•  My struggle with being on time
• starting tasks
• completing tasks
• being very sensitive to any sign of rejection from other people
• strong, overwhelming emotions
• not being able to understand people when they speak at first - sometimes it seems like they are speaking another language and then if I'm given a few seconds, I can process what was said and suddenly I understand it. 
  

    These have been very scary to deal with and I always just thought there was something particularly wrong with me. I thought I must be lazy because everyone was telling me that I just needed more self-control, more will-power. I was told by a therapist that "you'll be on time when you want to be on time." It was always assumed that my struggle with being on time was because I didn't want to go to that particular place, even though I've insisted that it wasn't true and that I wanted to be on time. No one believed me. Even my own mother thought I was lying to get out of doing things when I said that I forgot to do them. Both my parents thought I was extremely passive-aggressive and that being late to family things was some sort of manipulation tactic.

     Especially the auditory processing disorder. I have always thought that I was just stupid. Or that it was anxiety. I say "what?" a lot. So much that I get embarrassed that I haven't heard someone and I just pretend that I did hear them and I try to guess what they said. That doesn't always work and it gets really awkward. Sometimes they repeat themselves several times and I still don't have any clue what they're saying. Sometimes I just give up and get quiet. Just go back to my fallback of enduring the situation until it's over.

    My current theory is that ADHD and PTSD are at the root of my other diagnoses. I think I get depressed because I can't do things that other people can do so easily, and I didn't know why until now. It's hard for me to relate to other people, because I don't just do things because I want to and when I think of them, and I have trouble participating in conversations because I can't understand what's being said and sometimes the conversations move too fast for me to process, especially if there are a lot of people involved. It's so alienating, and I've developed social anxiety because of that and because I wasn't a normal kid and spent so much time in my head. I've always been anxious about sharing too much with people about my daily experience because they will reject me. My boyfriend in college lost a lot of respect for me when I said that I watch TV to shut off my brain. He told me he couldn't believe that I would admit that, because he just didn't understand why you would want to shut off your thoughts, and he thought that was something only lazy people would do. I have too many thoughts. Sometimes I get into a thought loop and it just repeats the same thing over and over and over.... Sometimes I think about something in my past that is really upsetting, actually for much of my life that type of thought has been almost constant. It's really hard for me to get on a different track cognitively, and switch to thinking about something else once I start thinking about negative things, and TV is a great tool to help me shut things down and get into a different headspace.

    I just want to feel ok. Like I'm not a failure and a screw-up. When I don't have to do things right away, I watch TV and I get on my phone and cuddle with my cats and just revel in the feeling of not having things due and not having anyone demanding anything from me. I do that every chance I get and the result is unfortunately that I end up not getting things done. 

    I don't think I deserve condemnation for using TV to medicate. Or for using sugary foods and binge-eating to help with my emotions and then gaining a ton of weight, or for developing OCD to compensate for forgetting things all the time, or for developing dermatillomania because I'm restless and anxious, or for developing a strong freeze response when I feel threatened, or for being a really quiet person because I want to avoid upsetting other people and/or making them angry at me, or for developing this weird thing where the expression on my face doesn't match what I'm feeling - which is an effect of trauma.

    I am frustrated that I was not diagnosed earlier, and that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and took lithium for so long which I didn't need to be taking. I'm frustrated that my symptoms were ignored by so many people including my parents and several different mental health professionals. I am frustrated that I feel like I still can't talk to people about this in a way that will make them actually believe me that I'm struggling with these symptoms and not being lazy or trying to manipulate someone. 

    I am happy that my parents finally believe me and are finally beginning to understand me better. I am glad that I have this diagnosis now so that I can try to get treatment and so I can finally understand myself and work toward a solution to what is the root of my problems.

Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









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That Serial Killer I Dated, Part II (TW-assault)

             A while ago I wrote a post about a man who assaulted me on a date. I had a hard time finishing Part Two, but here it is;

Part Two:

             Obviously I have some things I need to work on personally and looking back it’s easy to see the red flags and the many opportunities I had to cut this guy loose before it got to any kind of threatening situation. Maybe it’s a symptom of the depression, but I think that deep down I just don’t see myself as a person who has value. It’s not like I’m thinking in the moment, “I deserved that,” it’s just a general feeling and a habitual way of responding to the world. And day to day, there are times when I think, “Hey, I’m awesome! I’m kick-ass! I’m a strong, independent woman who will never be taken advantage of by a man!” But those are surface thoughts.

 

 

                It tells me that other people can do whatever they want but I am always to remain polite, calm, courteous and agreeable. 

                And yes, apparently it means whatever they want.

                I could say if it ever happens again I’ll punch that loser right in the nose! But I know I wouldn’t. I’ll make up a polite excuse and leave. I’ll freeze up and do nothing and wait for it to be over. 

                But maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This is a legitimate survival instinct, isn’t it? If I can’t fight him and he’s got me trapped, then it’s best to pretend nothing weird is happening so that it’s more likely I’ll get an opportunity to get away. If I fought, he might have just held me down harder or even hurt me. 

                It just made me feel a little bit like I was contributing to the problem, making him think I condoned his actions. But in the moment, I shouldn’t feel bad about being only concerned about my safety and getting out of there without further incident. I did whatever it took and that happened to be being compliant and courteous. 

                But it’s true that in general, I have a problem using this defense mechanism ALL the time. I think it’s because when growing up, my dad was angry a lot. It’s not like he beat us, but he would rant and rave and I would have to walk on eggshells. He would get very mad at me if I got the A not the A+, and would force me to ask the teacher what I could do to ‘make up for it.’ I learned that if I was quiet and just sat there until the raging was over and I could run up to my room then that was the best and quickest way out of the situation. 

                In summary; knowing all this about myself makes me want to pay more attention to those red flags in the beginning. Because they were there, and I ignored them because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated like a person. And, I think I started this post feeling a bit sorry for myself because I freeze-up and I am polite and courteous to people who are trying to hurt me but I am going to tell myself to refuse to feel that way (hopefully this will work) because I am just trying to protect myself the best way that I know how.  















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Filling Time

Sometimes things will really hit me. Like tonight, maybe it's the super-red-moon or the fact that there's someone outside my window looking at the moon and I kinda wanted to go out and look at it too, but I saw myself in the mirror and I look like an insane homeless person right now. So I can't go outside.

Then I think: this is why I'm not married, it's because I'm fat and ugly and I never really mastered the use of clothing and makeup. Then I feel angry-sad and frustrated and I think of the people in my life who have what I want and how picking out bridesmaids dresses with my sister is super frustrating and awkward because I'm so hideous. Then I think about other frustrating things like my job and how this one coworker is always interrupting me and talking over me to tell me how 'precious' and 'adorable' it is that I have a backbone over some issue or another, and then I start to see red. I get the tunnel vision and I tense up and wander angrily around my apartment, looking for things to eat.

My body image issues have been pushed up-front with the bridesmaid dress thing. Trying on dresses with my sister's other, thinner bridesmaids made me feel very on-display. Plus, my sister dancing around my size issue is like an old white man trying to pander to a minority crowd. She will never really get it and she makes these terrible, cringe-worthy comments. I had to come up and tell the sales-lady that the corset they gave me was two sizes too small, and I made a joke about it that I thought was fairly funny - the saleslady chuckled. But, I look over at my sister and she makes that 'tsss - oh' face and I think: what the hell?

Sometimes I hate my family. I know I can be rude sometimes, but I don't treat them the way they treat me. My rudeness is just repressed rage that comes out in little bursts so I don't literally explode.

So I decided I needed a break from family for a little while. Except, my sister keeps texting me about wedding stuff and I keep thinking about it because I'm not good at letting things go.

AND work has become 100% more stressful. Having staff is the worst. I'm getting frustrated with a few people who are not treating me with respect and taking me seriously.

My work environment is very informal, so some of rage-y Jane is starting to show herself. I'm getting a little too comfortable and a little too stressed, I think. I'm a quiet person and I don't have a lot to say most of the time but when I do want to talk, I expect people to listen. Because it's my turn, I listened to them and they should listen to me; that's what's fair. But certain people at work like to interrupt me or talk over me and not let me speak. And that is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. So... last week I just kept talking, and cut them off when they cut me off and did what I had to do to say my piece. But it did not feel good at all. I felt angry and disrespected and dirty. Polite conversation is my thing, I don't like what I have to do to talk them. I mean, it's not like I yelled or anything but it would be nice to find a different solution to this.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this post really has any cohesive point. Maybe just that I would like to begin separating my personal and professional lives a little more, now that I'm beginning to have distinct differences there. And, focus on work during work time only, so that I can try to cut down on some of this extra thinking about work that is not productive and just angers me. If I can make my personal time more fulfilling then I'll be more refreshed to deal with work stress.

I went on two dates with a guy, but that didn't go anywhere and wasn't very eventful. I've been going to play board games at this couple's house who I met though meetup.com. I was going to a game night at a church but recently have just been gaming with this smaller group at their house. It's been pretty fun. Kinda stressful at times, because I'm not used to having friends and socializing in a non-work setting. Especially awkward was when they were talking politics, partly because they all seem to be republicans and I'm a democrat. But, they seem to like me so far so I'm trying to keep that going.

I met up with an old friend from high school who I had a falling-out with in college. We caught up and I'll probably meet with her again. (The falling-out was partly over religion. Hooray, religion and politics - worst topics to discuss with people, ever)

I started counting my steps when I work on Saturdays since I do a TON of walking, and I'll count it as an exercise day as long as I reach 10,000 steps. I did 23,000 last Saturday and at least 15,000 yesterday (I forgot to check again at the end).

So, I guess that's it. Miscellaneous update about stuff.

Jane                

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My TV addiction

Let's talk about how boring writing is and how much I've needed noise in my life since college.

So, lately my obsession has been watching vlogbrothers videos on youtube. John Green is a novelist who writes YA books like Paper Towns, which I just read on vacation. I discovered John's videos before reading his books and I think the main reason for my obsession is just that he is very mature while also being very silly. He is smart but humble and the one picture that caused me to look him up from the start was this;

 

As a person who has been struggling with questions of the dating realm for a few years now (and probably should have struggled a bit more with those questions earlier in life) this really struck home for me. Suddenly I thought, well... this guy exists and has this awesome opinion so maybe men aren't all bad. I know, I don't ever want to come across as the 'Feminazi' but if you read my previous blog posts you have to admit I've had it pretty rough lately and I've only written about a fraction of it, you guys.

Hopefully he's not a unicorn.

Dating sucks ass, you guys, but I'm not really wanting to talk about that right now.

The point is that John Green and his brother are awesome, smart, and compassionate, and they are just the sort of people that I am looking to try and surround myself with. AND it turns out they actually have a whole community of fans called nerdfighters that maybe I can get involved with. I haven't seen anything IRL as of yet, but I will be keeping an eye out.

ANYWAY, the thing I actually wanted to talk a bit about was how I was watching one of John Green's video's today and he was talking about how boring writing is and how reading is not really conducive to our multi-tasking, immediate-update culture. That made me think about how since college, I have needed noise in my life. I've just needed to have some kind of TV show running basically at all times because when I don't, I start to think too much and get into depressive thought cycles. College was one of the more difficult times of my life because of how depressed I was and how early on I was into my diagnosis and treatment. I have done so much work since then on my thought processes;

Meta-cognition; thinking about thinking, and then changing how you think, is incredibly difficult.

Anyway, when I was so sick with depression, TV was a fantastic balm. Books didn't work because my anxiety level was so high for a year I physically could not read any more. But I could lose myself in television. My boyfriend (this is the Jack from my earliest posts) thought it was pretty sick: a Fahrenheit 451 level of distasteful. But, when you have cancer, don't they shoot poison into your veins? Most people don't understand just how bad my illness got.

I'm not at that level of depression anymore but I still watch TV like it's my job. I feel a little uncomfortable without it being on. Maybe it was my methadone? But now I'm still addicted to it. And, it impairs my ability to be quiet and to do things that require quiet such as writing. I even do my yoga while watching a TV show (one that isn't yoga). When I was living with my parents I think I sought out quiet more because it was so loud there with my sister and my dad. And, of course, going to high school there was so much noise there.

Maybe I don't really like the quiet as much as I used to think I did and when I moved out on my own  I ended up being a lot more lonely than I have cared to admit. And so, I just like to hear the people talking on the TV even if I'm not really paying attention to the show. Maybe if I balance my life out a little more and have more people in it then I will seek out the quiet again and write and read and play music and do yoga without needing TV.

I am working on my life balance and most of the time I feel so unsatisfied because I am 29 and things are not where I want them to be. But it has been good today to remember where I used to be. I'm glad I'm not there anymore and I have come a long way, I have made progress. But, I probably will continue to watch John Green videos while I finish my laundry because he inspires me. He inspired me to write today. Thanks, John.

Jane               

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Time for a Change

I’m having a hard time this morning. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times;

MY JOB SUCKS!

I hate coming in on a Monday morning and having absolutely nothing to do. Now, some people say, ‘oh, I had nothing to do today,’ but what they mean is they had light work all day. They probably came in, read some emails, did a little work, made some phone calls, maybe paid some bills. In reality they got some shit done.

I came in to work today to nothing. Zilch. Nada. Nary an email or phone call or item of business to attend to. So what do I do? Well, I haven’t had breakfast so I go get a bagel and some water.

Now that’s done. Now what?

Let’s do facebook, see what people are up to. Okay… self-indulgent status updates… pinterest stuff… a few political items… interesting, attention moving from the fact that a friend is blowing me off now even though she posted a status asking if anyone wanted to do a writing project with her and I volunteered, to a poorly written article about ISIL fighters returning to the US; this probably isn’t healthy and is certainly mildy upsetting. Let’s do something else. 

Maybe I should read a book? I’ve got my kindle with me so I’ll download something.  There’s that Jim Butcher book I’ve been meaning to read and I’ve got a few extra dollars, I’ll buy it on Amazon. Crap, my kindle’s not charged and I don’t like reading books on a computer screen. So what now? Time for lunch? I just had that bagel, I should probably wait a little longer and it’s only 11:30 am. WTF am I going to do for the rest of the day?

This would be an ok thing to happen every once in a while. But, this is my life way too often and it’s not good for productivity or my state of mind. I was actually feeling good at home this morning, which is something that hardly ever happens. But once the ‘work’ boredom set in, I was nearly immediately lethargic, depressed and uninterested in doing anything. You know things are bad when you are so bored you find yourself just staring at your desk because there is just nothing at all to do. There is only so much internet content you can consume before your brain starts to feel like mush. And, after 2 ½ years of this job I’m sick to death of it. I want to feel like a real person again.

At least we have laptops and I can leave my desk in the awful dreary basement to come upstairs where I am now and try to write a bit a feel like I’m not a zombie. Plus, at my desk I have to sit next to Bitchy McTraitor, and even though we have professionally ‘made up,’ I do not like how she is always very aware of what I am doing and I still do not trust her. Her presence stresses me out so I’ve come upstairs to see daylight and write and be alive.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about applying to graduate school to become a therapist. I know that might be a bit shocking, and it might be scary and maybe even abhorrent to some people. But, I have been thinking about it since high school and it was actually my first choice before becoming a biologist. I decided not to go get my PhD because I wanted to marry that asshole I was dating and I thought it would get in the way of having kids and whatnot. 

But, now that biology is off the table due to my injury, I’m thinking psychology again. And, there are other psychologists with mental illnesses, the most famous one being Kay Jamison who was a PhD with bipolar I. But other than her, there’s even a school of thought that believes that you can’t effectively help someone through something unless you’ve been through it yourself, and when you’re in school for psychology you’re required to go through therapy yourself.

I probably will think it through to death, I probably already have. The fact is I need more from my life and I’m feeling that one thing my breakdown last spring taught me is that this life I’ve been living is not sustainable. It’s time to stop giving myself to things and people that are absolute shitheads, like this job. 

I have an endgame plan. Next February, if nothing else, I will apply to become an occupational therapy assistant. It’s not an occupational therapist, so there are fewer restrictions on things like GPA and prerequisites, so I’ll have a better chance of getting in. Also, it sounds like a pretty kickass job and it makes decent money. My only concern is that I’ve been out of school for a few years now and I’m not sure if I’ll be entirely interested enough to learn all the physiology I will need. But, I’ve decided that in February I will HAVE to learn it, come what may. Because I need a change. Unless, of course, I get accepted into a school for psychology where I’ll be fascinated by the material and it will therefore be much easier to learn it. But, psychology comes with a few other anxiety points;

• I need a therapist myself. What if that fact compromises my patient care?
• What if I am triggered by the things my patients say?
• What if my social phobias interfere with interacting with patients?
• Will the competitive nature of graduate school be too stressful?

I don’t know how to find the answers to these questions. I mean, I think I would be a kickass therapist. I am compassionate and a good listener, I’m able to identify important details in what people say and use them to help people understand themselves and others, I am able to see things from other people’s point of view and help people understand each other, I am passionate about issues such as domestic violence, proper mental healthcare, and women’s issues. I am also a careful scientist and enthusiastic researcher. I have already worked with participants in a psychology clinical research study and the PhD candidate I was working with said I didn’t seem nervous at all working with them and that I did a good job. 

Yea, I think it’s time.

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