That Serial Killer I Dated, Part II (TW-assault)

             A while ago I wrote a post about a man who assaulted me on a date. I had a hard time finishing Part Two, but here it is;

Part Two:

             Obviously I have some things I need to work on personally and looking back it’s easy to see the red flags and the many opportunities I had to cut this guy loose before it got to any kind of threatening situation. Maybe it’s a symptom of the depression, but I think that deep down I just don’t see myself as a person who has value. It’s not like I’m thinking in the moment, “I deserved that,” it’s just a general feeling and a habitual way of responding to the world. And day to day, there are times when I think, “Hey, I’m awesome! I’m kick-ass! I’m a strong, independent woman who will never be taken advantage of by a man!” But those are surface thoughts.

 

 

                It tells me that other people can do whatever they want but I am always to remain polite, calm, courteous and agreeable. 

                And yes, apparently it means whatever they want.

                I could say if it ever happens again I’ll punch that loser right in the nose! But I know I wouldn’t. I’ll make up a polite excuse and leave. I’ll freeze up and do nothing and wait for it to be over. 

                But maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This is a legitimate survival instinct, isn’t it? If I can’t fight him and he’s got me trapped, then it’s best to pretend nothing weird is happening so that it’s more likely I’ll get an opportunity to get away. If I fought, he might have just held me down harder or even hurt me. 

                It just made me feel a little bit like I was contributing to the problem, making him think I condoned his actions. But in the moment, I shouldn’t feel bad about being only concerned about my safety and getting out of there without further incident. I did whatever it took and that happened to be being compliant and courteous. 

                But it’s true that in general, I have a problem using this defense mechanism ALL the time. I think it’s because when growing up, my dad was angry a lot. It’s not like he beat us, but he would rant and rave and I would have to walk on eggshells. He would get very mad at me if I got the A not the A+, and would force me to ask the teacher what I could do to ‘make up for it.’ I learned that if I was quiet and just sat there until the raging was over and I could run up to my room then that was the best and quickest way out of the situation. 

                In summary; knowing all this about myself makes me want to pay more attention to those red flags in the beginning. Because they were there, and I ignored them because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated like a person. And, I think I started this post feeling a bit sorry for myself because I freeze-up and I am polite and courteous to people who are trying to hurt me but I am going to tell myself to refuse to feel that way (hopefully this will work) because I am just trying to protect myself the best way that I know how.  















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That Serial Killer I Dated, Part I (TW-assault)

                 It was our third date if you count the speed-dating event where we met. He was a doctor of physical therapy with a nice condo in the city and he had asked me over to cook dinner for me. His place was clean and very bachelor-y with the only décor being his framed degree hung up on the wall next to a bookcase full of binders of school notes and anatomy and physiology books. His furniture was all brown or black pieces; not fashionable or modern, but it was clean and tidy. Big TV, naturally. When I got there he was still cooking the meal, fiddling with the stuff on the stove and vegetables in the microwave. He poured a couple glasses of wine while we waited and it was nice, really. I had some reservations about him because of our last date but I was being put at ease. 

                On our second date, we went to a museum and it was really awkward trying to hold a conversation with him there. He was soft-spoken and would walk behind me or away from me in the middle of a conversation so that I couldn’t hear him anymore and I would have to follow him around or twist myself around to keep talking. That got old as soon as it started. Besides that, he was literally pushy. I think he was trying to joke around and he just randomly shoved me while I was on the steps at the museum. Looking back now I know to think: WTF??!! But at the time I was just annoyed and took it like I always take things like that: pissed off inside but not really clicking that it’s wrong for someone to do that to me. I pushed the feelings down, said nothing and kept walking. He pushed me a few times. I thought about taking the elevator to be sure that I wouldn’t fall down the stairs in the parking garage.

                Back to our third date; dinner was nice. We had a much livelier conversation than on the previous date and the food was pretty good. The steak was a little too overdone but he had still cooked for me and that’s bound to win you 3,000 points unless it’s absolutely inedible. I was enjoying myself but then somehow we got on the topic of Disney fairy tales versus the original stories. I say something about how sleeping beauty was not kissed but actually raped awake (remember we are having a good conversation and I am feeling at ease at this point). Then he comes back with, “Yeah, but he married her afterward,” with an absolutely serious face.

                “What?”

                “He raped her but he married her afterwards.”

                “That doesn’t make it not rape. That doesn’t make it any better.”

                He didn’t answer me, just took a drink of wine. 

    “I need to know that you know rape isn’t cancelled out by marriage.”

    “No, of course it’s not.”

                After dinner he offered me more wine and even though I said no, he went on to pour me a very large glass, finishing off the bottle. After our exchange, I was set on not drinking it to make sure I was sober enough to leave. I was looking for a polite way out when he suggested we watch a movie. 

                “Ok, maybe I can stay for half a movie.”

                He put on an old, obscure movie that I had never seen before but one that he insisted was a ‘classic’ and I ‘had to see it.’ He sat down on one side of the sectional sofa and I placed myself on the far side of the L shape, away from him. 

                “You haven’t been drinking your wine.”

                “I told you I didn’t want any more. It keeps me up at night.”

                “Come sit over here.” I didn’t really want to, but he insisted so I sat down next to him. He inched a bit closer. After a while, he put his arm around my shoulders. I was still a bit tense and the movie was from the 90’s and boring. I watched the clock and wondered when would be a good time to make my exit. Then, without any kind of warning, he scooted himself down and laid his head in my lap.

                I was in shock. 

               “Will you pat my hair?”

               “What?”

               “I want you to pat my hair,” he picked up my hand and laid it on his head, moving it up and down in patting motions.

               “No, that’s ok.” I took my hand away. He grabbed it back and put it on his head. I tried to take back my hand but he held it firmly on his head. I tried to stand up, but he used his head on my lap to apply pressure and keep me sitting down. My heart was beating at a thousand times a second, I had no idea what to do. I stayed still.

                He made me stroke his hair again for a little while and then he sat up straight again. He was talking to me but I have no idea what he said. I was panicking. But I stayed still.

                He put his hand on my head and pushed me down into his lap. I think I actually felt a piece of my mind snapping. He held me down there with his arm and wouldn’t let me up. I think he continued to talk. I struggled but he was too strong. So I stopped and waited.

                He let me up and I stood/rolled off the couch and onto my feet, sliding my coat from the chair onto my back like I’d practiced it a million times and grabbed my purse. 

               “I have to get up early in the morning so I’d better go.”

              “Why do you have to go all of a sudden? We haven’t finished the movie,” he reminded me of a snake, poised and dangerous.

               “I really have to go.” I walked calmly towards his door, “Maybe we can finish it next time.”

               He got up and walked to the door as well, joining me in the doorway. I wondered if I screamed, if any of the neighbors would notice. I remembered my mother always told me to shout ‘fire!’ because that’s what gets people’s attention.

               I said, “Have a good night,” and I gave him a short hug. I walked away briskly to my car. I have never driven away from a place so fast in my life.

Kissing Toads: It Gets Better, then Worse

 

                After Kato and I went on that really awful date (Kissing Toads: A Good Date is More Important than Cheese) I got really sympathetic and made a plan. I thought maybe Kato was distressed about the money thing so that’s why the last date was crap, and I decided to invite him over to my place to have him cook me dinner. This is something we had talked about before and he had wanted to cook for me at his place during a previous date but his roommates had left the kitchen a mess. To be fair, I saw that kitchen and it was a disaster area. There were dishes piled up well over the top rim of both sinks. I wouldn’t have wanted to cook in those conditions either.

                I invited him to mine to cook and left early from work so I could clean my apartment top to bottom, especially the kitchen. It ended up being a fantastic date. He really is a good cook and he paid for all the ingredients. He even successfully paired the meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. I was totally over the moon for him…

                We had a couple of other really great dates; sometimes staying in, sometimes going out, so I decided I wanted him to meet my friends (I had met some of his already). My friend was having a party at a bar and told me to invite Kato to come with me. I thought, ‘great idea! We could dance, have drinks, and have a great time!’ I invited him and he said yes without giving me any reason to think that this wouldn’t be a good idea. He even told me he planned to dress up and I was really excited.

                When we got to the bar the wind shifted. Kato was no longer the friendly, outgoing guy I’ve gotten to know. Kato was uptight, rigid, his face unexpressive, and he barely said two sentences to anyone. My friends all tried to engage him in conversation but he just wasn’t giving anything back. Not even when we go outside where it was quieter. 

                 I got stressed and started drinking (he had refused to get a drink – at a bar!), and the drinks were a little stronger than I was expecting. I tried to engage Kato, but he was a statue so I went off to dance with my friends for a bit. I kept going back to ask him to dance and he kept saying ‘no, I don’t dance.’ He finally ordered a drink but stayed put at that table like he was glued to it. I stayed by him for a while, but he was mostly catatonic so I went to go dance again.

                When I came back that time he was doodling chemical equations on a napkin.

                Let me say that again; he was referring to his phone, writing notes and chemical formulas on a napkin, and talking to himself quite animatedly!

                WTF?? He kept doing chemistry, insisting that he needed to get to a laboratory, and actually tried to leave. I have had experience with what guys do when they leave a bar as drunk and crazy as that so I wrapped my arm around his and physically kept him next to me. That was how I finally got him on the dance floor (by physically making him, what fun…), but he was still rigid and just standing there.  

                My friends started leaving and I realized that any fun would be leaving with them so I put Kato’s hand on the bar and told him to stay there until I got back. I settled the bill (yea, I paid for all my own drinks, he never even offered to get me one), collected Kato from where I left him and got out. I still needed to sober up so I found a bench where we could sit and wait it out.

                We talked for a good long while. I honestly don’t remember most of it. I just know that the first stuff I said to him was very loud and a little angry. I wanted to know why he wouldn’t dance with me, if he even liked me, and what was going on with him. He remained very rigid and gave truly robotic answers, saying that he has a hearing problem and loud areas physically hurt his head. He came with me that night because he likes me and I guess he had just decided to deal with it.

                So I felt bad, but not really. He had told me earlier that he was at the same bar with his friend last weekend and he hadn’t mentioned anything to me about a hearing problem or being uncomfortable at all when out with his friend.

                We talked a lot more as I sobered up and I’m really embarrassed that I don’t totally remember that conversation. I remember that I felt a little better about him afterwards and took him back to my place (although we just went to sleep). In the morning, he was very sweet and affectionate. We had sex and it was really nice (I even came, one of those spasm-y orgasms with a release but no ‘pleasure waves’). 

I was feeling pretty good about him and he was back to being the Kato I like. He took me out to lunch and we walked around the mall. He was not super talkative but not in an awkward way. I took him back to his place after that and unfortunately that was when it got weird again. We had planned to go to this festival downtown on Sunday and I asked him if he was still up for it. He said, ‘can we just see how I feel tomorrow?’ 

                So… I was pissed. And hurt. I tried to keep it under wraps, though, because it had been a really stressful night and I could understand not wanting to go out with me again. But I’m getting tired of the roller coaster he’s putting me through.


 Any thoughts?

Jane







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