I Am a Hermit, Don't Ask Me Questions

So, lately I've been doing pretty well and going about my business like a normal person.

Then tonight, I'm at my friends' house playing board games and they start talking politics. It's late, and they have moved seamlessly from one topic to this one and there was no chance to excuse myself.

Three Republicans in a room with me, the only little Democrat, trying as hard as I can to defend our president and other various 'liberal' atrocities. Even though, I'm interested in full discussions of things and examinations of issues and I don't necessarily have views that run exactly down the party lines, it feels to me like everyone is staring at me in anger. They get that angry tone everyone gets when discussing heated topics and it all seems directed at me. They move from one topic to the next, before I've even begun to analyze and ask questions about the first topic. It's not a tennis match - it's a battlefield with cannonballs whizzing past my head.

I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T EVEN WATCH THE NEWS BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF AND BE UPSET ALL THE TIME!!!

It just makes me feel like I can't socialize like normal people do, because I can't handle this - very normal thing. People discuss politics. Mostly they don't go home and cry afterwards because they feel like their friends were angry at them.

I don't know how to not take it personally. If someone is looking at me angrily and using an angry tone, it's upsetting!!! And, when I get tripped up and have no idea what anyone is talking about because I avoid all this stupid news crap because when I read it, it puts me in a negative frame of mind which can continue all day and is frankly quite dangerous for me.

I had another game day scheduled with a different group of people, people whom I have never met before on Sunday but I'm not sure if I'm going to be up for going. It was going to be stressful anyway because of the newness, but if I'm already hurt and not feeling great emotionally, it's going to be very difficult to socialize at the level of the 'normals.' I may end up being withdrawn and shy and it's an RPG and that is very bad for RPG's.

I will wait until tomorrow and see how I feel before cancelling. In the meantime, I really wish I had some chocolate.












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That Serial Killer I Dated, Part II (TW-assault)

             A while ago I wrote a post about a man who assaulted me on a date. I had a hard time finishing Part Two, but here it is;

Part Two:

             Obviously I have some things I need to work on personally and looking back it’s easy to see the red flags and the many opportunities I had to cut this guy loose before it got to any kind of threatening situation. Maybe it’s a symptom of the depression, but I think that deep down I just don’t see myself as a person who has value. It’s not like I’m thinking in the moment, “I deserved that,” it’s just a general feeling and a habitual way of responding to the world. And day to day, there are times when I think, “Hey, I’m awesome! I’m kick-ass! I’m a strong, independent woman who will never be taken advantage of by a man!” But those are surface thoughts.

 

 

                It tells me that other people can do whatever they want but I am always to remain polite, calm, courteous and agreeable. 

                And yes, apparently it means whatever they want.

                I could say if it ever happens again I’ll punch that loser right in the nose! But I know I wouldn’t. I’ll make up a polite excuse and leave. I’ll freeze up and do nothing and wait for it to be over. 

                But maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This is a legitimate survival instinct, isn’t it? If I can’t fight him and he’s got me trapped, then it’s best to pretend nothing weird is happening so that it’s more likely I’ll get an opportunity to get away. If I fought, he might have just held me down harder or even hurt me. 

                It just made me feel a little bit like I was contributing to the problem, making him think I condoned his actions. But in the moment, I shouldn’t feel bad about being only concerned about my safety and getting out of there without further incident. I did whatever it took and that happened to be being compliant and courteous. 

                But it’s true that in general, I have a problem using this defense mechanism ALL the time. I think it’s because when growing up, my dad was angry a lot. It’s not like he beat us, but he would rant and rave and I would have to walk on eggshells. He would get very mad at me if I got the A not the A+, and would force me to ask the teacher what I could do to ‘make up for it.’ I learned that if I was quiet and just sat there until the raging was over and I could run up to my room then that was the best and quickest way out of the situation. 

                In summary; knowing all this about myself makes me want to pay more attention to those red flags in the beginning. Because they were there, and I ignored them because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated like a person. And, I think I started this post feeling a bit sorry for myself because I freeze-up and I am polite and courteous to people who are trying to hurt me but I am going to tell myself to refuse to feel that way (hopefully this will work) because I am just trying to protect myself the best way that I know how.  















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Filling Time

Sometimes things will really hit me. Like tonight, maybe it's the super-red-moon or the fact that there's someone outside my window looking at the moon and I kinda wanted to go out and look at it too, but I saw myself in the mirror and I look like an insane homeless person right now. So I can't go outside.

Then I think: this is why I'm not married, it's because I'm fat and ugly and I never really mastered the use of clothing and makeup. Then I feel angry-sad and frustrated and I think of the people in my life who have what I want and how picking out bridesmaids dresses with my sister is super frustrating and awkward because I'm so hideous. Then I think about other frustrating things like my job and how this one coworker is always interrupting me and talking over me to tell me how 'precious' and 'adorable' it is that I have a backbone over some issue or another, and then I start to see red. I get the tunnel vision and I tense up and wander angrily around my apartment, looking for things to eat.

My body image issues have been pushed up-front with the bridesmaid dress thing. Trying on dresses with my sister's other, thinner bridesmaids made me feel very on-display. Plus, my sister dancing around my size issue is like an old white man trying to pander to a minority crowd. She will never really get it and she makes these terrible, cringe-worthy comments. I had to come up and tell the sales-lady that the corset they gave me was two sizes too small, and I made a joke about it that I thought was fairly funny - the saleslady chuckled. But, I look over at my sister and she makes that 'tsss - oh' face and I think: what the hell?

Sometimes I hate my family. I know I can be rude sometimes, but I don't treat them the way they treat me. My rudeness is just repressed rage that comes out in little bursts so I don't literally explode.

So I decided I needed a break from family for a little while. Except, my sister keeps texting me about wedding stuff and I keep thinking about it because I'm not good at letting things go.

AND work has become 100% more stressful. Having staff is the worst. I'm getting frustrated with a few people who are not treating me with respect and taking me seriously.

My work environment is very informal, so some of rage-y Jane is starting to show herself. I'm getting a little too comfortable and a little too stressed, I think. I'm a quiet person and I don't have a lot to say most of the time but when I do want to talk, I expect people to listen. Because it's my turn, I listened to them and they should listen to me; that's what's fair. But certain people at work like to interrupt me or talk over me and not let me speak. And that is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. So... last week I just kept talking, and cut them off when they cut me off and did what I had to do to say my piece. But it did not feel good at all. I felt angry and disrespected and dirty. Polite conversation is my thing, I don't like what I have to do to talk them. I mean, it's not like I yelled or anything but it would be nice to find a different solution to this.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this post really has any cohesive point. Maybe just that I would like to begin separating my personal and professional lives a little more, now that I'm beginning to have distinct differences there. And, focus on work during work time only, so that I can try to cut down on some of this extra thinking about work that is not productive and just angers me. If I can make my personal time more fulfilling then I'll be more refreshed to deal with work stress.

I went on two dates with a guy, but that didn't go anywhere and wasn't very eventful. I've been going to play board games at this couple's house who I met though meetup.com. I was going to a game night at a church but recently have just been gaming with this smaller group at their house. It's been pretty fun. Kinda stressful at times, because I'm not used to having friends and socializing in a non-work setting. Especially awkward was when they were talking politics, partly because they all seem to be republicans and I'm a democrat. But, they seem to like me so far so I'm trying to keep that going.

I met up with an old friend from high school who I had a falling-out with in college. We caught up and I'll probably meet with her again. (The falling-out was partly over religion. Hooray, religion and politics - worst topics to discuss with people, ever)

I started counting my steps when I work on Saturdays since I do a TON of walking, and I'll count it as an exercise day as long as I reach 10,000 steps. I did 23,000 last Saturday and at least 15,000 yesterday (I forgot to check again at the end).

So, I guess that's it. Miscellaneous update about stuff.

Jane                

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My TV addiction

Let's talk about how boring writing is and how much I've needed noise in my life since college.

So, lately my obsession has been watching vlogbrothers videos on youtube. John Green is a novelist who writes YA books like Paper Towns, which I just read on vacation. I discovered John's videos before reading his books and I think the main reason for my obsession is just that he is very mature while also being very silly. He is smart but humble and the one picture that caused me to look him up from the start was this;

 

As a person who has been struggling with questions of the dating realm for a few years now (and probably should have struggled a bit more with those questions earlier in life) this really struck home for me. Suddenly I thought, well... this guy exists and has this awesome opinion so maybe men aren't all bad. I know, I don't ever want to come across as the 'Feminazi' but if you read my previous blog posts you have to admit I've had it pretty rough lately and I've only written about a fraction of it, you guys.

Hopefully he's not a unicorn.

Dating sucks ass, you guys, but I'm not really wanting to talk about that right now.

The point is that John Green and his brother are awesome, smart, and compassionate, and they are just the sort of people that I am looking to try and surround myself with. AND it turns out they actually have a whole community of fans called nerdfighters that maybe I can get involved with. I haven't seen anything IRL as of yet, but I will be keeping an eye out.

ANYWAY, the thing I actually wanted to talk a bit about was how I was watching one of John Green's video's today and he was talking about how boring writing is and how reading is not really conducive to our multi-tasking, immediate-update culture. That made me think about how since college, I have needed noise in my life. I've just needed to have some kind of TV show running basically at all times because when I don't, I start to think too much and get into depressive thought cycles. College was one of the more difficult times of my life because of how depressed I was and how early on I was into my diagnosis and treatment. I have done so much work since then on my thought processes;

Meta-cognition; thinking about thinking, and then changing how you think, is incredibly difficult.

Anyway, when I was so sick with depression, TV was a fantastic balm. Books didn't work because my anxiety level was so high for a year I physically could not read any more. But I could lose myself in television. My boyfriend (this is the Jack from my earliest posts) thought it was pretty sick: a Fahrenheit 451 level of distasteful. But, when you have cancer, don't they shoot poison into your veins? Most people don't understand just how bad my illness got.

I'm not at that level of depression anymore but I still watch TV like it's my job. I feel a little uncomfortable without it being on. Maybe it was my methadone? But now I'm still addicted to it. And, it impairs my ability to be quiet and to do things that require quiet such as writing. I even do my yoga while watching a TV show (one that isn't yoga). When I was living with my parents I think I sought out quiet more because it was so loud there with my sister and my dad. And, of course, going to high school there was so much noise there.

Maybe I don't really like the quiet as much as I used to think I did and when I moved out on my own  I ended up being a lot more lonely than I have cared to admit. And so, I just like to hear the people talking on the TV even if I'm not really paying attention to the show. Maybe if I balance my life out a little more and have more people in it then I will seek out the quiet again and write and read and play music and do yoga without needing TV.

I am working on my life balance and most of the time I feel so unsatisfied because I am 29 and things are not where I want them to be. But it has been good today to remember where I used to be. I'm glad I'm not there anymore and I have come a long way, I have made progress. But, I probably will continue to watch John Green videos while I finish my laundry because he inspires me. He inspired me to write today. Thanks, John.

Jane               

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THE UPDATE

     A lot has happened in my life over the past 6-8 months. I got fired from my crappy job for really crappy reasons, spent maybe one working day unemployed and then started a new job in home health care. After about four months of that, I was promoted to supervisor and even though I'm still down about $10,000 a year from what I was making at my last job I have to say it's completely

WORTH IT

     Is my food budget $25 a week? Yes. Do I now consider buying clothes at Goodwill a splurge? Yes. My life is completely turning around and it's all because I got pushed into a situation that looked incredibly terrifying and could have resulted in the more terrifying situation of moving back in with the parents (I would have needed more medication but I still don't know if they would ever condone treating my mental illness to the point of helping me get meds for it; and who knows if they would have let me keep my cats - thank God this didn't happen).  But then my supervisor thought that maybe I could do more for the company and a position opened up at just the right time as I was letting her know that I was available to work more hours so she put me up for an interview.


    I have also stopped dating. There are many reasons I can say that I am doing this but at the end of the day it is because I am tired of men trying to push me into things I'm not ready to do, sometimes literally and physically. Maybe I choose the wrong guys - even though when I am choosing them many times I barely know them, having just met them through a site or maybe 5 minutes of speed dating or something - or maybe there are just a lot of assholes out there. Either way, while I'm healing and growing and exploring my own psychology, I just want to stay safe and the best way I know how to do that is to stay single and 'off the market.'


    I am doing better psychologically. Working in home health care has been great for me. My hygiene has improved, I even clean my apartment more. I've been taking my meds really regularly, maybe something about telling other people to do it makes me feel I need to be really responsible about it. Taking care of people is really therapeutic and has made me feel really connected to people. I usually feel like such an outsider, but my social anxiety is really lessening. Well, besides it being a very busy office where I have to make phone calls RIGHT NOW and I have no time to ruminate about things (well, less time), knowing that people's health and well being, and sometimes their lives, are in my hands has made me step up and somehow past my own insecurities. When it's about me, it's not as easy to give a shit. But I've started to become a bit of a mother hen to a collection of very random people, some of whom I may see only a couple times and then never again and it's VERY COOL.


note: sorry about the grammar, my computer is very slow right now and it's seriously throwing me off.

   Jane                

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Angry at the Parents

I'm feeling very disappointed and just hopeless that I'll have a good relationship with my parents. I found out this weekend that, although my dad had found out through the insurance company that I was diagnosed with depression when in college, he never told my mom. And then I told her, and her response was pretty underwhelming. I expected she might be angry at my dad, I thought she might want to talk to me about it maybe even apologize for not being there for me.

But there was none of that. She just carried on like I had said nothing. She even had a great opportunity to talk to me alone about it, and she didn't say a word. 

Then I had an argument with my dad. We are switching cars and I signed over my title to him and now he's saying we need to switch license plates. He's a terrible communicator and I just can't believe he really understood the person at the BMV because how can you take a plate off of one car and put it on another? So I said that I don't think that's what the woman meant and he started to get angry and said, 'well, i don't want to buy new plates!'  

And it went downhill from there. First I've heard that we'd have to get new plates, and if he was so against it, why did he insist we sign the titles now in the first place? This was just something i'd been doing to humor him, because he wouldn't leave me alone about it, I don't have any idea why he wants me to have the title to this car, they're both his cars and even when I've had the title to one of his cars, he treats me like he still owns the thing so I really don't give a shit. I'm saving up to buy my own so I can be free of his insanity.

So I left pretty angry and my mom was like, 'let's make a plan to go walking next week,' and I didn't make any commitments because spending time with them any time soon is the LAST thing I want. I am at the point where even thinking about them stresses me out enough that I'll want to abandon all healthy plans and go home, curl up in bed with some chocolate. If they call or text me, I'm mad for days. Who knows how long it's going to take to recover after these interactions.

I just want to forget these people exist for a while.

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Proposal Season

My sister is getting married; she just told me tonight.

I'm glad I'm not there and that she told me over the phone because I don't think I could muster up being happy for her right now. I'm sure I'll be happy soon, once I get over myself but right now I'm just feeling all kinds of dark, awful things.

It just makes me feel more acutely all the things I don't have right now. Career? Gone. Love? No boyfriends, not even platonic friends.

She said he proposed to her at this spot they go to every year, even though they've had a long-distance relationship they've managed to meet there. It's very romantic. I wish I had a spot I went to with someone repeatedly. There is no spot, there is no one.

I can't even seem to put my life together, every time I try it falls further apart. I'm just grasping at threads that used to be seams, bits of fuzz that used to be fabric.

When will I be anything else? Will I grow old and die as the fat spinster aunt that everyone is just a little bit worried about and a little bit wary of?

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