Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

I think my blog got deleted

I think this blog got deleted? So we'll see if this actually publishes. Anyway, it's been almost three years since my last post so obviously I'm great at consistency. I just wanted to post this short thing today because I watched a TED talk that really resonated with me;

I Am Not a Monster: Schizophrenia by Cecilia McGough

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbagFzcyNiM

I recently told my therapist that I feel like people treat me like a monster when they learn that I have Bipolar disorder, and I think this video really illustrates what life is like sometimes with a disorder like this. We can't let fear rule our lives and lead us to treat vulnerable people like they are dangerous.

That's all.

I hope you all are having a safe isolation period.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Play it Again

Fuck.


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.

Jane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Waste of Space and Time

Tonight I feel fundamentally flawed.

Having Friends.   Having a Relationship.  Success in Work.   Going Out.   Getting Married.  Having Kids.  Getting a House.


These are all things that happen to other people. I'm just one of those people who has something wrong with them and other people can see it and they avoid it, they stay away. They give each other sidelong glances when they think I'm not looking. They try to end conversations with me.

And I try so hard to be liked, it's my driving force in life. It motivates nearly every decision.

But I'm so deeply flawed I can't even find a therapist who will talk to me like I'm a normal person. They are stilted with me, condescending, treat me like I'm crazy. Treat me like I'm wasting their time.

I'm wasting their time.

wasting their time

wasting
 their time.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Back and As Much As Ever

I'm not doing well. I didn't go to work today. Although, to be fair, I was worried about my cat since he puked something nasty on my pillow and I thought he might have an intestinal blockage. Now I'm watching him to see if he poops and he has not, all day.

Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.

I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.

I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.

My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.

She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.

Maybe I should make that list of  negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.

1. My father thinks I'm a failure.

There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain. 

1. My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
2. my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable

I am getting chest pains already.

     2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school

     3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree

     4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application

     5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester

Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.

I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago. 

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Crashing

I'm not sure if this is going to be a coherent post. I was clearly in hypomania for at least six weeks or so; I was sped up and felt like I had caffeine in me all the time. But now I feel slow and depressed. It's hard for me to think of things when people ask me questions and my thought processes are all around slowed down. I have a heavy heart and I feel like shit. Like a shit. I feel like a piece of shit.

Good and bad things have happened, that's not what this is about. I can clearly feel that this is my chemistry cycling into depression just as it has many times before. I was happy earlier, then irritated, angry, now sad. I just don't want to be this sad. I guess I have to pay the price for the high I felt earlier.

I told my meds doctor that I had stopped taking my Lithium because I thought I didn't need it. I thought that perhaps I was misdiagnosed and maybe my illness should be classified as Major Depressive Disorder as it has been for like 10 years...

And the lithium didn't seem to be doing anything for me, I don't even get side effects from it, it felt like a sugar pill. So, I just didn't worry about taking it every day.

Once I started to feel some negative effects of the hypomania like the irritation and the anger, and I was super rude to this guy at work and starting to get written up again for being a jerk, I started taking my lithium again.

AND I've asked my meds doctor to add something for anxiety because I have been on the edge of my seat nearly every moment of the day. It takes so much for me to relax at night. Sometimes I do ok and then other times I need to listen to guided sleep meditations and it might take multiple ones before I can relax my muscles and breathe easy.

My illness has been nuts lately. The hypomania and depression and anxiety would be enough but I've also been possibly experiencing such social anxiety as to border on paranoia. On wikipedia (great source, I know, I know...) it says that "Social anxiety is at the bottom of this hierarchy as the most frequently exhibited level of paranoia."

And " A paranoid person may view someone else's accidental behavior as though it is with intent or threatening."

I feel that these quotes totally describe me. Recently, I've had to turn my music up in the office so that I can't hear others' conversations because otherwise I start to think they are talking about me; gossiping and saying negative things. A couple times I've felt so intense about it I've had to go down and try to get a drink of water or something near them so I could hear what they were saying and see if they were talking about me. They weren't of course.

Or, once, a couple of my coworkers left around lunchtime and I thought they had gone out to lunch without inviting me. I had to listen to some breathing exercises on my phone to calm down. It turned out they had just gone to the post office and as soon as they got back they invited me to lunch.

Another time, I noticed my boss had left the office with our HR director and I was sure they were talking about how I was 5 minutes late that morning and how HR didn't like me and wanted me gone. But it turned out they had gone to buy food for our annual picnic. I mean, they could have still been talking about me.

I've had this problem since middle school, where I'll be certain that a nearby group of people is saying bad things about me and I'll be really angry and embarrassed and not be able to think about anything else.

Last week I accused my therapist of not listening to me, being condescending, and saying a few things with a nasty/mocking tone. She assured me that was not her intention, and told me that it made her uncomfortable that I said those things and that she felt she had to be careful with every facial expression, gesture, and word she said. She said she would still work with me but did not understand why I wanted to still work with her.

If I have intense social anxiety, every therapist is going to make me feel uncomfortable, but should I keep silent when I feel hurt? Or is she maybe a jerk and not owning up to it? Who would?

The problem is dizzying.

Does my therapist have good intentions?

Well, it didn't feel like it to me.

But, I know that I often have symptoms of paranoia.

And yet, shitty people still exist and have done shitty things to me.

She seems to know her stuff, knows CBT and does more than just ask, 'so how was your week?'

Doesn't mean she didn't have a bad day, and is now trying to cover her ass.

Well, everyone has bad days, they shouldn't be hated forever for it.

That is true, and she does seem like a good therapist. But, I'm not sure she wants to work with me anymore. And, maybe her bedside manner just sucks. And, if social interactions are my problem shouldn't she be trying to help me instead of kicking me to the curb?

Well, she said she would continue to work with you. So she didn't completely kick you to the curb. There is some uncertainty about whether she will end up cancelling. A good therapist should definitely help no matter how uncomfortable they are, as long as it's not in a sexual way. It's what I would do. Haven't I earned that in Karma, yet?

I don't know, maybe you need to wipe some more butts and wash some more feet first. Or maybe Karma doesn't work that way - or doesn't exist. 

 I don't know where to go from here. This was supposed to be the basic argument - I didn't feel like she had good intentions but I'm crazy so maybe she did, but I'm crazy so how am I ever supposed to know the difference?

Yea, it kinda got off track.

It's ok, no one's going to read this far. 

 I can't afford my therapist anymore anyway.

I kinda think you should do one more session with her - just to see what happens. Will she cancel? Will she freak out? Will it be awful? Will it be ok? Will she insist you see someone else afterwards? It could confirm or deny your fears.

Some fears are better left unconfirmed...

For science?

I was going to say let's talk again but now you're getting on my nerves.

Sorry.  

Damn, I can't even be nice to myself. Well, I knew that. My nightmares are too disturbing to talk about. 




 
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

I Am a Hermit, Don't Ask Me Questions

So, lately I've been doing pretty well and going about my business like a normal person.

Then tonight, I'm at my friends' house playing board games and they start talking politics. It's late, and they have moved seamlessly from one topic to this one and there was no chance to excuse myself.

Three Republicans in a room with me, the only little Democrat, trying as hard as I can to defend our president and other various 'liberal' atrocities. Even though, I'm interested in full discussions of things and examinations of issues and I don't necessarily have views that run exactly down the party lines, it feels to me like everyone is staring at me in anger. They get that angry tone everyone gets when discussing heated topics and it all seems directed at me. They move from one topic to the next, before I've even begun to analyze and ask questions about the first topic. It's not a tennis match - it's a battlefield with cannonballs whizzing past my head.

I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T EVEN WATCH THE NEWS BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF AND BE UPSET ALL THE TIME!!!

It just makes me feel like I can't socialize like normal people do, because I can't handle this - very normal thing. People discuss politics. Mostly they don't go home and cry afterwards because they feel like their friends were angry at them.

I don't know how to not take it personally. If someone is looking at me angrily and using an angry tone, it's upsetting!!! And, when I get tripped up and have no idea what anyone is talking about because I avoid all this stupid news crap because when I read it, it puts me in a negative frame of mind which can continue all day and is frankly quite dangerous for me.

I had another game day scheduled with a different group of people, people whom I have never met before on Sunday but I'm not sure if I'm going to be up for going. It was going to be stressful anyway because of the newness, but if I'm already hurt and not feeling great emotionally, it's going to be very difficult to socialize at the level of the 'normals.' I may end up being withdrawn and shy and it's an RPG and that is very bad for RPG's.

I will wait until tomorrow and see how I feel before cancelling. In the meantime, I really wish I had some chocolate.












This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

My TV addiction

Let's talk about how boring writing is and how much I've needed noise in my life since college.

So, lately my obsession has been watching vlogbrothers videos on youtube. John Green is a novelist who writes YA books like Paper Towns, which I just read on vacation. I discovered John's videos before reading his books and I think the main reason for my obsession is just that he is very mature while also being very silly. He is smart but humble and the one picture that caused me to look him up from the start was this;

 

As a person who has been struggling with questions of the dating realm for a few years now (and probably should have struggled a bit more with those questions earlier in life) this really struck home for me. Suddenly I thought, well... this guy exists and has this awesome opinion so maybe men aren't all bad. I know, I don't ever want to come across as the 'Feminazi' but if you read my previous blog posts you have to admit I've had it pretty rough lately and I've only written about a fraction of it, you guys.

Hopefully he's not a unicorn.

Dating sucks ass, you guys, but I'm not really wanting to talk about that right now.

The point is that John Green and his brother are awesome, smart, and compassionate, and they are just the sort of people that I am looking to try and surround myself with. AND it turns out they actually have a whole community of fans called nerdfighters that maybe I can get involved with. I haven't seen anything IRL as of yet, but I will be keeping an eye out.

ANYWAY, the thing I actually wanted to talk a bit about was how I was watching one of John Green's video's today and he was talking about how boring writing is and how reading is not really conducive to our multi-tasking, immediate-update culture. That made me think about how since college, I have needed noise in my life. I've just needed to have some kind of TV show running basically at all times because when I don't, I start to think too much and get into depressive thought cycles. College was one of the more difficult times of my life because of how depressed I was and how early on I was into my diagnosis and treatment. I have done so much work since then on my thought processes;

Meta-cognition; thinking about thinking, and then changing how you think, is incredibly difficult.

Anyway, when I was so sick with depression, TV was a fantastic balm. Books didn't work because my anxiety level was so high for a year I physically could not read any more. But I could lose myself in television. My boyfriend (this is the Jack from my earliest posts) thought it was pretty sick: a Fahrenheit 451 level of distasteful. But, when you have cancer, don't they shoot poison into your veins? Most people don't understand just how bad my illness got.

I'm not at that level of depression anymore but I still watch TV like it's my job. I feel a little uncomfortable without it being on. Maybe it was my methadone? But now I'm still addicted to it. And, it impairs my ability to be quiet and to do things that require quiet such as writing. I even do my yoga while watching a TV show (one that isn't yoga). When I was living with my parents I think I sought out quiet more because it was so loud there with my sister and my dad. And, of course, going to high school there was so much noise there.

Maybe I don't really like the quiet as much as I used to think I did and when I moved out on my own  I ended up being a lot more lonely than I have cared to admit. And so, I just like to hear the people talking on the TV even if I'm not really paying attention to the show. Maybe if I balance my life out a little more and have more people in it then I will seek out the quiet again and write and read and play music and do yoga without needing TV.

I am working on my life balance and most of the time I feel so unsatisfied because I am 29 and things are not where I want them to be. But it has been good today to remember where I used to be. I'm glad I'm not there anymore and I have come a long way, I have made progress. But, I probably will continue to watch John Green videos while I finish my laundry because he inspires me. He inspired me to write today. Thanks, John.

Jane               

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

THE UPDATE

     A lot has happened in my life over the past 6-8 months. I got fired from my crappy job for really crappy reasons, spent maybe one working day unemployed and then started a new job in home health care. After about four months of that, I was promoted to supervisor and even though I'm still down about $10,000 a year from what I was making at my last job I have to say it's completely

WORTH IT

     Is my food budget $25 a week? Yes. Do I now consider buying clothes at Goodwill a splurge? Yes. My life is completely turning around and it's all because I got pushed into a situation that looked incredibly terrifying and could have resulted in the more terrifying situation of moving back in with the parents (I would have needed more medication but I still don't know if they would ever condone treating my mental illness to the point of helping me get meds for it; and who knows if they would have let me keep my cats - thank God this didn't happen).  But then my supervisor thought that maybe I could do more for the company and a position opened up at just the right time as I was letting her know that I was available to work more hours so she put me up for an interview.


    I have also stopped dating. There are many reasons I can say that I am doing this but at the end of the day it is because I am tired of men trying to push me into things I'm not ready to do, sometimes literally and physically. Maybe I choose the wrong guys - even though when I am choosing them many times I barely know them, having just met them through a site or maybe 5 minutes of speed dating or something - or maybe there are just a lot of assholes out there. Either way, while I'm healing and growing and exploring my own psychology, I just want to stay safe and the best way I know how to do that is to stay single and 'off the market.'


    I am doing better psychologically. Working in home health care has been great for me. My hygiene has improved, I even clean my apartment more. I've been taking my meds really regularly, maybe something about telling other people to do it makes me feel I need to be really responsible about it. Taking care of people is really therapeutic and has made me feel really connected to people. I usually feel like such an outsider, but my social anxiety is really lessening. Well, besides it being a very busy office where I have to make phone calls RIGHT NOW and I have no time to ruminate about things (well, less time), knowing that people's health and well being, and sometimes their lives, are in my hands has made me step up and somehow past my own insecurities. When it's about me, it's not as easy to give a shit. But I've started to become a bit of a mother hen to a collection of very random people, some of whom I may see only a couple times and then never again and it's VERY COOL.


note: sorry about the grammar, my computer is very slow right now and it's seriously throwing me off.

   Jane                

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Do I Care Who Knows My Secrets?

I was reading this article this morning - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html, and it triggered some thoughts for me.

First, how many people have I told about my mental illness and what percentage of negative versus positive reactions have I gotten from them (not including medical professionals)? 

Let’s explore;

SC – mixed, tried to help but didn’t really understand. When her help didn’t ‘work,’ she gave up.

AA – apathy

Support group online – positive, helpful

AM – positive, empathetic

JC – mixed, tried to help but didn’t understand, often very disrespectful. Same thing as SC, when his help didn’t ‘work,’ he would get very frustrated.

Father – somewhat empathetic but told me I would have to ‘go it alone,’ because therapists are not to be trusted and they just want your money. He hasn’t said a word to me about it since then.

Sister – empathetic, helpful. I’m not sure she understands totally, but I only just told her this summer.

Bitchy mcTraitor – freaked out, tried to get me fired

GS – empathetic and understanding when I told her but when I tried to talk to her about my feelings and things that happened that relate to my disorder, I couldn't get empathy at all from her. She was very good at giving emotionless advice…

So; three purely positive responses, four mixed and two purely negative.

I’m counting apathy as a negative, especially since he and I were supposedly ‘in love’ and he never tried to help with my illness or mentioned it at all even though I was clearly suffering.

TRIGGER WARNING

Also, when I asked him if I should commit suicide, he told me he couldn’t think of a reason why not. So; definitely negative.

END TRIGGER

I’ve always kept the information that I have a mental illness very close, and obviously have only told a very few people. I always suspected something was wrong, but I didn’t get help until college when I went to my school counseling center. I didn’t even tell my father, he actually found out because he was trying to buy insurance for me and the insurance companies came back and said they wouldn’t cover me because of my depression (my dx at the time, also this was before the ACA made it illegal to deny coverage based on pre-existing conditions). So he called me up to his office area in the master bedroom when I was visiting and asked me if it were true, did I have depression?

                There wasn’t anything else for me to say at that point but yes. And we talked a bit about it, it was good, I think, to have finally let him know about it because up to that point I had been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist in secret. I was so afraid of my father finding out about it that I lied about being on his insurance plan and told my school counseling center that I didn’t have insurance. That actually worked out great for a while since they had a sliding scale for appointments, I was only paying $40 for psychiatry appointments and $2 per therapy appointment. I had a part-time job so I could pay for it all myself. I think I was afraid if my dad found out he would demand I live at home again because he would think I wasn’t able to deal with living at school. I spent my two years of college living at home but it was actually my therapist who suggested that I get the hell out of there and live on campus. It made a huge difference for me to not be around my father all the time.

                It’s not that he was abusive or anything. I’m not even sure I can explain it and have anyone understand. He was just angry all the time and I’m a very sensitive person. You know when you’re with a group of people and then one person just gets really angry about something and starts ranting about it, and then everyone gets really quiet and is afraid to speak up or say anything because if they do they know they’ll get shot down by that person and/or have that person’s anger suddenly directed at them? Like, everyone feels so awkward and afraid that they barely want to move or make a sound? 

                That is what growing up with my father was like. Pretty much every night at dinner would be like that. And he would be angry at everything and everyone. Oh, you have a tattoo? You just sealed your fate as a worthless bum because no one decent will ever employ you. The same goes for men with long hair, people who own motorcycles, and music majors.

                I had also overheard a rant my father was having about me. He seemed to think that the college I had decided to go to would turn me into a burden to the family, because I would never get a job with a degree from there. A burden to the family.

                So; I never told my father about my mental illness and I still haven’t told him about my new diagnosis. If he hadn’t found out about my depression he wouldn’t know now. I still count it as mixed because he didn’t make me live at home, and he didn’t flip out and the world didn’t explode or anything. But, not necessarily positive either. You don’t tell an almost completely isolated, lonely depressed person that they’ll have to deal with it alone. That’s simply irresponsible and ignorant. I needed help, I was desperate for it and I got it, behind his back because I believed I had to. His response confirmed that I was right to do that. 

As he has gotten older, his anger has mellowed out a bit. Also, I’ve gotten stronger and have been able to call him on his bullshit. So, maybe one day I will tell him. I seem to be moving more in that direction by telling my sister – who supports me in waiting to tell my parents until I am ready. I’m also pretty tired of hiding. I have no patience for lying and hiding anymore. 

Especially since he seems more concerned sometimes with pestering me about making sure I have maternity coverage on my insurance (which I now buy myself), than ever even asking me how my mental health is. God forbid he should make sure I have mental health coverage or a proper psychiatrist/psychologist. How it is more pressing in his brain to make sure he will not have to pay for all my illegitimate children from all the wild sex I am supposedly having than to make sure I am being treated for an illness that I will have my entire life and is often fatal, is simply beyond my understanding. Simply…. fucking…. beyond me. So; it’s not easy to not go off on him. But that's not the way I want this conversation to come up.

Anyway, this has gotten off track. The point is I want people to know and I want them to be ok with it and not freak out and complain to management or stop talking to me or talk to me but tell me shitty, ignorant things. But, since I can’t have that ideal situation most of the time I have to keep things under wraps.

-Jane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Time for a Change

I’m having a hard time this morning. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times;

MY JOB SUCKS!

I hate coming in on a Monday morning and having absolutely nothing to do. Now, some people say, ‘oh, I had nothing to do today,’ but what they mean is they had light work all day. They probably came in, read some emails, did a little work, made some phone calls, maybe paid some bills. In reality they got some shit done.

I came in to work today to nothing. Zilch. Nada. Nary an email or phone call or item of business to attend to. So what do I do? Well, I haven’t had breakfast so I go get a bagel and some water.

Now that’s done. Now what?

Let’s do facebook, see what people are up to. Okay… self-indulgent status updates… pinterest stuff… a few political items… interesting, attention moving from the fact that a friend is blowing me off now even though she posted a status asking if anyone wanted to do a writing project with her and I volunteered, to a poorly written article about ISIL fighters returning to the US; this probably isn’t healthy and is certainly mildy upsetting. Let’s do something else. 

Maybe I should read a book? I’ve got my kindle with me so I’ll download something.  There’s that Jim Butcher book I’ve been meaning to read and I’ve got a few extra dollars, I’ll buy it on Amazon. Crap, my kindle’s not charged and I don’t like reading books on a computer screen. So what now? Time for lunch? I just had that bagel, I should probably wait a little longer and it’s only 11:30 am. WTF am I going to do for the rest of the day?

This would be an ok thing to happen every once in a while. But, this is my life way too often and it’s not good for productivity or my state of mind. I was actually feeling good at home this morning, which is something that hardly ever happens. But once the ‘work’ boredom set in, I was nearly immediately lethargic, depressed and uninterested in doing anything. You know things are bad when you are so bored you find yourself just staring at your desk because there is just nothing at all to do. There is only so much internet content you can consume before your brain starts to feel like mush. And, after 2 ½ years of this job I’m sick to death of it. I want to feel like a real person again.

At least we have laptops and I can leave my desk in the awful dreary basement to come upstairs where I am now and try to write a bit a feel like I’m not a zombie. Plus, at my desk I have to sit next to Bitchy McTraitor, and even though we have professionally ‘made up,’ I do not like how she is always very aware of what I am doing and I still do not trust her. Her presence stresses me out so I’ve come upstairs to see daylight and write and be alive.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about applying to graduate school to become a therapist. I know that might be a bit shocking, and it might be scary and maybe even abhorrent to some people. But, I have been thinking about it since high school and it was actually my first choice before becoming a biologist. I decided not to go get my PhD because I wanted to marry that asshole I was dating and I thought it would get in the way of having kids and whatnot. 

But, now that biology is off the table due to my injury, I’m thinking psychology again. And, there are other psychologists with mental illnesses, the most famous one being Kay Jamison who was a PhD with bipolar I. But other than her, there’s even a school of thought that believes that you can’t effectively help someone through something unless you’ve been through it yourself, and when you’re in school for psychology you’re required to go through therapy yourself.

I probably will think it through to death, I probably already have. The fact is I need more from my life and I’m feeling that one thing my breakdown last spring taught me is that this life I’ve been living is not sustainable. It’s time to stop giving myself to things and people that are absolute shitheads, like this job. 

I have an endgame plan. Next February, if nothing else, I will apply to become an occupational therapy assistant. It’s not an occupational therapist, so there are fewer restrictions on things like GPA and prerequisites, so I’ll have a better chance of getting in. Also, it sounds like a pretty kickass job and it makes decent money. My only concern is that I’ve been out of school for a few years now and I’m not sure if I’ll be entirely interested enough to learn all the physiology I will need. But, I’ve decided that in February I will HAVE to learn it, come what may. Because I need a change. Unless, of course, I get accepted into a school for psychology where I’ll be fascinated by the material and it will therefore be much easier to learn it. But, psychology comes with a few other anxiety points;

• I need a therapist myself. What if that fact compromises my patient care?
• What if I am triggered by the things my patients say?
• What if my social phobias interfere with interacting with patients?
• Will the competitive nature of graduate school be too stressful?

I don’t know how to find the answers to these questions. I mean, I think I would be a kickass therapist. I am compassionate and a good listener, I’m able to identify important details in what people say and use them to help people understand themselves and others, I am able to see things from other people’s point of view and help people understand each other, I am passionate about issues such as domestic violence, proper mental healthcare, and women’s issues. I am also a careful scientist and enthusiastic researcher. I have already worked with participants in a psychology clinical research study and the PhD candidate I was working with said I didn’t seem nervous at all working with them and that I did a good job. 

Yea, I think it’s time.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.