When it's ADHD, but You Don't Find Out Until Your Mid-Thirties

 So, diagnosis update. I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type. It's been a long journey to get this diagnosis, both before and after I suspected I had it. It really sucks that I had to realize it myself before I could try to get formally diagnosed because it's something you have for your whole life and is usually diagnosed in childhood. But, because I wasn't a 'behavior problem' when I was young, and I got good grades, no one saw any reason to test me. I'm not sure that they completely understood ADHD in girls when I was young. My mom says I could never sit still, but I could sit still in class. I think I was always so scared of getting in trouble that I was able to minimize some of the symptoms. But, I wasn't really living in the world for a long time. I would daydream and stare into space a majority of the time but I was smart enough to not need to pay attention in class and I read books every chance I could get, so I was intuitively good at english and spelling. My mom worked with me on many concepts outside of school and made her own worksheets and lesson plans. I think the tendency to daydream was not only a result of ADHD but because I was being bullied in school and my dad was struggling with his own issues and would get really mad sometimes. I learned to be quiet and to not set people off. And I learned to be in my own little world and just endure what was happening in the real world. So, briefly I will say that I also have been diagnosed with PTSD, because of my childhood and then abusive romantic relationships as well as several assaults in my adult life. I think I also have PTSD from dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. I have had these symptoms all my life and have been asking for help with them for over a decade.

•  My struggle with being on time
• starting tasks
• completing tasks
• being very sensitive to any sign of rejection from other people
• strong, overwhelming emotions
• not being able to understand people when they speak at first - sometimes it seems like they are speaking another language and then if I'm given a few seconds, I can process what was said and suddenly I understand it. 
  

    These have been very scary to deal with and I always just thought there was something particularly wrong with me. I thought I must be lazy because everyone was telling me that I just needed more self-control, more will-power. I was told by a therapist that "you'll be on time when you want to be on time." It was always assumed that my struggle with being on time was because I didn't want to go to that particular place, even though I've insisted that it wasn't true and that I wanted to be on time. No one believed me. Even my own mother thought I was lying to get out of doing things when I said that I forgot to do them. Both my parents thought I was extremely passive-aggressive and that being late to family things was some sort of manipulation tactic.

     Especially the auditory processing disorder. I have always thought that I was just stupid. Or that it was anxiety. I say "what?" a lot. So much that I get embarrassed that I haven't heard someone and I just pretend that I did hear them and I try to guess what they said. That doesn't always work and it gets really awkward. Sometimes they repeat themselves several times and I still don't have any clue what they're saying. Sometimes I just give up and get quiet. Just go back to my fallback of enduring the situation until it's over.

    My current theory is that ADHD and PTSD are at the root of my other diagnoses. I think I get depressed because I can't do things that other people can do so easily, and I didn't know why until now. It's hard for me to relate to other people, because I don't just do things because I want to and when I think of them, and I have trouble participating in conversations because I can't understand what's being said and sometimes the conversations move too fast for me to process, especially if there are a lot of people involved. It's so alienating, and I've developed social anxiety because of that and because I wasn't a normal kid and spent so much time in my head. I've always been anxious about sharing too much with people about my daily experience because they will reject me. My boyfriend in college lost a lot of respect for me when I said that I watch TV to shut off my brain. He told me he couldn't believe that I would admit that, because he just didn't understand why you would want to shut off your thoughts, and he thought that was something only lazy people would do. I have too many thoughts. Sometimes I get into a thought loop and it just repeats the same thing over and over and over.... Sometimes I think about something in my past that is really upsetting, actually for much of my life that type of thought has been almost constant. It's really hard for me to get on a different track cognitively, and switch to thinking about something else once I start thinking about negative things, and TV is a great tool to help me shut things down and get into a different headspace.

    I just want to feel ok. Like I'm not a failure and a screw-up. When I don't have to do things right away, I watch TV and I get on my phone and cuddle with my cats and just revel in the feeling of not having things due and not having anyone demanding anything from me. I do that every chance I get and the result is unfortunately that I end up not getting things done. 

    I don't think I deserve condemnation for using TV to medicate. Or for using sugary foods and binge-eating to help with my emotions and then gaining a ton of weight, or for developing OCD to compensate for forgetting things all the time, or for developing dermatillomania because I'm restless and anxious, or for developing a strong freeze response when I feel threatened, or for being a really quiet person because I want to avoid upsetting other people and/or making them angry at me, or for developing this weird thing where the expression on my face doesn't match what I'm feeling - which is an effect of trauma.

    I am frustrated that I was not diagnosed earlier, and that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and took lithium for so long which I didn't need to be taking. I'm frustrated that my symptoms were ignored by so many people including my parents and several different mental health professionals. I am frustrated that I feel like I still can't talk to people about this in a way that will make them actually believe me that I'm struggling with these symptoms and not being lazy or trying to manipulate someone. 

    I am happy that my parents finally believe me and are finally beginning to understand me better. I am glad that I have this diagnosis now so that I can try to get treatment and so I can finally understand myself and work toward a solution to what is the root of my problems.

Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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Play it Again

Fuck.


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.

Jane

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Back and As Much As Ever

I'm not doing well. I didn't go to work today. Although, to be fair, I was worried about my cat since he puked something nasty on my pillow and I thought he might have an intestinal blockage. Now I'm watching him to see if he poops and he has not, all day.

Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.

I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.

I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.

My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.

She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.

Maybe I should make that list of  negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.

1. My father thinks I'm a failure.

There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain. 

1. My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
2. my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable

I am getting chest pains already.

     2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school

     3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree

     4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application

     5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester

Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.

I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago. 

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Crashing

I'm not sure if this is going to be a coherent post. I was clearly in hypomania for at least six weeks or so; I was sped up and felt like I had caffeine in me all the time. But now I feel slow and depressed. It's hard for me to think of things when people ask me questions and my thought processes are all around slowed down. I have a heavy heart and I feel like shit. Like a shit. I feel like a piece of shit.

Good and bad things have happened, that's not what this is about. I can clearly feel that this is my chemistry cycling into depression just as it has many times before. I was happy earlier, then irritated, angry, now sad. I just don't want to be this sad. I guess I have to pay the price for the high I felt earlier.

I told my meds doctor that I had stopped taking my Lithium because I thought I didn't need it. I thought that perhaps I was misdiagnosed and maybe my illness should be classified as Major Depressive Disorder as it has been for like 10 years...

And the lithium didn't seem to be doing anything for me, I don't even get side effects from it, it felt like a sugar pill. So, I just didn't worry about taking it every day.

Once I started to feel some negative effects of the hypomania like the irritation and the anger, and I was super rude to this guy at work and starting to get written up again for being a jerk, I started taking my lithium again.

AND I've asked my meds doctor to add something for anxiety because I have been on the edge of my seat nearly every moment of the day. It takes so much for me to relax at night. Sometimes I do ok and then other times I need to listen to guided sleep meditations and it might take multiple ones before I can relax my muscles and breathe easy.

My illness has been nuts lately. The hypomania and depression and anxiety would be enough but I've also been possibly experiencing such social anxiety as to border on paranoia. On wikipedia (great source, I know, I know...) it says that "Social anxiety is at the bottom of this hierarchy as the most frequently exhibited level of paranoia."

And " A paranoid person may view someone else's accidental behavior as though it is with intent or threatening."

I feel that these quotes totally describe me. Recently, I've had to turn my music up in the office so that I can't hear others' conversations because otherwise I start to think they are talking about me; gossiping and saying negative things. A couple times I've felt so intense about it I've had to go down and try to get a drink of water or something near them so I could hear what they were saying and see if they were talking about me. They weren't of course.

Or, once, a couple of my coworkers left around lunchtime and I thought they had gone out to lunch without inviting me. I had to listen to some breathing exercises on my phone to calm down. It turned out they had just gone to the post office and as soon as they got back they invited me to lunch.

Another time, I noticed my boss had left the office with our HR director and I was sure they were talking about how I was 5 minutes late that morning and how HR didn't like me and wanted me gone. But it turned out they had gone to buy food for our annual picnic. I mean, they could have still been talking about me.

I've had this problem since middle school, where I'll be certain that a nearby group of people is saying bad things about me and I'll be really angry and embarrassed and not be able to think about anything else.

Last week I accused my therapist of not listening to me, being condescending, and saying a few things with a nasty/mocking tone. She assured me that was not her intention, and told me that it made her uncomfortable that I said those things and that she felt she had to be careful with every facial expression, gesture, and word she said. She said she would still work with me but did not understand why I wanted to still work with her.

If I have intense social anxiety, every therapist is going to make me feel uncomfortable, but should I keep silent when I feel hurt? Or is she maybe a jerk and not owning up to it? Who would?

The problem is dizzying.

Does my therapist have good intentions?

Well, it didn't feel like it to me.

But, I know that I often have symptoms of paranoia.

And yet, shitty people still exist and have done shitty things to me.

She seems to know her stuff, knows CBT and does more than just ask, 'so how was your week?'

Doesn't mean she didn't have a bad day, and is now trying to cover her ass.

Well, everyone has bad days, they shouldn't be hated forever for it.

That is true, and she does seem like a good therapist. But, I'm not sure she wants to work with me anymore. And, maybe her bedside manner just sucks. And, if social interactions are my problem shouldn't she be trying to help me instead of kicking me to the curb?

Well, she said she would continue to work with you. So she didn't completely kick you to the curb. There is some uncertainty about whether she will end up cancelling. A good therapist should definitely help no matter how uncomfortable they are, as long as it's not in a sexual way. It's what I would do. Haven't I earned that in Karma, yet?

I don't know, maybe you need to wipe some more butts and wash some more feet first. Or maybe Karma doesn't work that way - or doesn't exist. 

 I don't know where to go from here. This was supposed to be the basic argument - I didn't feel like she had good intentions but I'm crazy so maybe she did, but I'm crazy so how am I ever supposed to know the difference?

Yea, it kinda got off track.

It's ok, no one's going to read this far. 

 I can't afford my therapist anymore anyway.

I kinda think you should do one more session with her - just to see what happens. Will she cancel? Will she freak out? Will it be awful? Will it be ok? Will she insist you see someone else afterwards? It could confirm or deny your fears.

Some fears are better left unconfirmed...

For science?

I was going to say let's talk again but now you're getting on my nerves.

Sorry.  

Damn, I can't even be nice to myself. Well, I knew that. My nightmares are too disturbing to talk about. 




 
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Recovery: So What Now?

You know what's weird about recovery?

Every fucking thing.

If I'm not binging, or picking, or obsessing....

What the hell am I doing? It's like there's a great big hole in my life tonight. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't there yesterday and it probably won't be there tomorrow. But, tonight feels very weird.

I haven't binged in a month. I've rarely even felt the urge during that time and it's pretty unclear why. I got sick twice last month; the first time with a nasty stomach bug where I threw up bile (yay fun times...) and then a week later with the flu which included a lovely 101.7 F fever. That one took me about three weeks to fully recover from. And for two of those I was not regular at all.

So during these sick weeks I had zero appetite. The thought of food made me ill and all I ate was crackers, jello, applesauce, and maybe soup - near the end of it. The first time I was sick I was pretty much done with eating that stuff and SO ready to eat real food again. As soon as my appetite was back and pretty much right on the line of thinking I could handle it: I went out and bought myself a half dozen donuts.

My appetite still hasn't really come back after the second time of being sick. Well, I shouldn't say that exactly. I want to eat food but my appetite has changed and the way I go about making food choices has changed. Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

LISTEN TO ME.

Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

Not as a diet plan, not because my therapist suggested it that week, I'm doing it AUTOMATICALLY.

WITHOUT THINKING.

 Well fucking shit.

Do you know what I'm having right now? A smoothie. I have access to snacks, but right now my body wants something cold, refreshing, a little sweet - something like juice (but I don't have any juice) and I chose to make this smoothie. Although, I'm realizing now that I'm still hungry and I could use something more filling - maybe one of my veggie corn dogs or just a hot dog.

I usually would have consumed a package of something chocolate by now.

I'm sorry this post contains so many paragraphs - it's just how I'm feeling right now. Each thing I'm doing is a fucking Eureka - breakthrough - moment and shit.

I'm also sorry about all the cursing. Well, not really.

Anyway, let's return to the original thesis; recovery is seriously weird but I didn't really notice it until tonight. I talked with my therapist today and he asked me if I missed the binging and what I did instead as my evening ritual. I told him I didn't miss it and the truth is I barely even noticed. The transition from listening to what my body needed when I was sick to listening to it when I was well was so gradual it was absolutely seamless. I'm sure it also had a lot to do with all the things I've been learning in therapy about HOW to listen to my body. I'm definitely going to keep reading the book I started about mindful eating since I think it has had a direct correlation to this event and I only completed one of the exercises.

So what did I do instead of binging?

Honestly, some nights I picked. I have dermatillomania and I have often picked the skin off my feet before or after binging so I just went straight to it when stressed this past month. I also still watched a LOT of tv, and played on my phone - Sudoku is my thing.

But tonight I got bored of that. I mean, it IS pretty dull doing that in your free time all the time. I'm not saying I'm to the point where I'm really going to start doing anything else... simply because I'm too stubborn to say that. I don't know why - some sort of mental block. Like - I'm not wasting time, I'm gonna do whatever I WANT, bitch!

But... maybe what I want to do is changing a little?

I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say here. Recovery is uncomfortable. Sure, I'm not binging tonight but what AM I doing? Who am I underneath all my disorders? Now I'm restless and I've got to deal with everything that the binging 'treated.'

Blech.


























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Newly Diagnosed, Confused and Anxious

The next few posts are going to be ones that I wrote this past winter and never got around to publishing. This is a post I wrote in February and didn't publish.

I don’t know what I’m writing today. Perhaps just an update. I’m one day away from seeing my psychiatrist and possibly getting my meds changed. Hopefully for the better and for the cheaper.

I’ve been so anxious lately, though, I’ll definitely have to mention that. I got a little behind on my work so for the past few work days I’ve been anxious in the mornings to the point where my throat closes up a bit and it’s hard to breathe. I can usually take deep breathes and breathe through it, though. It takes a while to calm down and then I’m yawning the rest of the day. I’m getting plenty of sleep; I’ve been going to bed regularly at 10:30pm (then it takes about an hour to actually sleep) and then getting up around 7:30am. It’s all part of my effort to get to work on time.

So, I’ve been sleeping ok, waking up pretty well, and getting to work mostly on time. I’ve been taking my meds and even tracking my moods with moodtracker.com. I like that website because I can send myself reminders to track my mood, I can track multiple times a day, and even report mixed moods. I’m not sure if the anxiety has always been there so often or if I’m just noticing it more now that I’ve been tracking my moods.

Anyway, so I wrote down some stuff to tell the psychiatrist tomorrow to help him diagnose me correctly and I’m going to list them out here to help me organize my thoughts. Shit, I forgot my notebook. Maybe I can do it from memory?

Happening now

·         Anxiety most days; throat closing up, shallow breaths

·         Binge eating; out of control cravings when I feel like I just have to eat and eat NOW! Usually chocolate, cookies, donuts, etc. I will go out to the store and buy snacks if craving is strong enough. Definitely interfering with my weight loss efforts.

·         Peeling skin off the bottom of my feet. Sort of like the need to eat, sometimes I feel a need to peel skin. It’s really gross, my feet smell bad all the time and sometimes it’s difficult to walk because I’ll keep peeling them even after they are bleeding.

·         When I leave in the morning I check that the door is locked at least 10 times, sometimes more if I’m feeling more anxious.

·         I have very vivid dreams that can be violent and disturbing. I have been raped in my nightmares several times.

·         Sometimes my dreams are so real that I think they’re memories.

·         I’m often depressed; it doesn’t always last all day. Lately I have been anxious/happy/elevated in the mornings but then down in the afternoon and evening. It hasn’t been super bad lately (the past week).

·         I did feel ‘sped up’ when I first started Cymbalta, but I didn’t report the symptom because I thought it was just a really good antidepressant. Also, I liked the feeling and didn’t want it taken away.

·         Sometimes I have a lot of projects; I make huge lists of all the things I want to do, but then when I feel down again I don’t do any of those things.

·         Last year, about August or something I met this guy and slept with him on the third date, which is very unlike me. I wanted to sleep with him on the second date and I even told him we didn’t need a condom (but he said no because he wanted to be safe and he didn’t have any condoms).

Happened in the past

·         Extreme mood swings during college that happened very quickly. Feeling like I can do anything to despair within a minute. And then back again

·         Was a point when I couldn’t read anymore in college; my eyes would just slip off the page

·          Again, in college, outbursts of violent anger. I felt out-of-control; I hit things, threw things, kicked things, broke things, yelled and screamed.

·         Sometimes I could get suddenly ‘rage-level’ angry at someone just because they were near me or slightly in front of me. I yelled at my sister a lot sometimes because I felt like she was getting in my way on purpose to block me from a conversation or keep me excluded or away from whoever we were with, usually my mother.

·         Felt like people were purposefully excluding me a lot of the time. I felt like people were always talking about me behind my back or watching me.

·         Sometimes I thought there were cameras watching me (middle school and elementary school)

·         Once, I had a hallucination that spiders were crawling all over me when I was in bed, but I’ve always thought of that as a one-time thing. Just a weird thing that happened between waking and sleeping.

·         There was some time where I thought I had been in space (elementary school/middle school) but I had just dreamed it.

·         I used to think that if I didn’t worry, something bad would happen. I was very superstitious and I felt like if I had certain thoughts, they could make things happen.

·         Racing thoughts and ruminating thoughts so bad I would use TV to literally and purposefully ‘stop’ my brain.

·         At one of my friend’s parties when I was younger I was ‘the life of the party’ (elementary school)

·         Once, at a dance in high school I just went up to a guy I didn’t know and asked him to dance. But usually, I could barely talk to anyone.

Right now I’m thinking he’ll say ‘Bipolar with OCD, anxiety, and Binge eating disorder’. I’ve read that Bipolar + Binge eating is really complex and behaves differently than other Bipolar types and can even be more severe.

Shit, that’s a lot of stuff and I don’t think it’s even all of it. That list covers most of the things I remember that might be important for diagnosis. Except for some things that I’m not sure I can admit to anyone. I’m still not sure I’m going to tell him about wanting to sleep with a guy without a condom.

I’m also a bit nervous because my psychiatrist (pdoc) is a much older man and I’m not sure what his opinions are. I’ve had a lot of experience with older men and how they treat me like… well, like a little child who doesn’t know anything and doesn’t even deserve to be listened to. I’m not sure older men even HEAR young woman like me when we speak to them. But, my therapist is in partnership with my tdoc and he is also an older male (although not quite as ancient). Seriously, my pdoc looks like he’s mostly in the grave now, he’s just sitting up inside his coffin, pecking at his computer with his pointer fingers.

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