This can't become another place for me to lie. And smile. And pretend I'm ok. And everything's great. And that i'm normal, and that I can brush off any disappointment and look at the positive.
My therapist told me I need to cry until I can't speak. I'm crying now, but I can still speak so I don't think it's over yet.
I don't know what to do, my plans have fallen flat. I make so many plans, but I can't make any of them happen.
All to make up for how lonely I am. Because if you look lonely, no one wants to be around you.
i've always been lonely. I grew up afraid of my father and afraid of everyone around me. I isolated myself, but I thought I was surviving. I made up worlds in my head, made myself strong in fantasies.
There are some people whom I don't care about at all. I don't care if they reject me, I spit on the ground as they leave and I laugh.
But there are others whose rejection makes me feel like I'm dying inside. Why are these people so special? Sure, the ones who are family, I get that. But there are some seemingly random people who are somehow different than the others.
This is a weird post. I'm speaking too generally. Time to admit; I had feelings for a man and he is so confusing. He's sweet and caring and somehow also totally alien. I pride myself on being able to figure people out but he's inscrutable. I tried being direct, totally honest; it's my most effective weapon for bridging the male-female language barrier. But he's just ignoring me now. I solve problems by talking them through, thinking them through but he's shut me out completely.
Nothing further I can do. So, you might be thinking, 'why are you crying over this guy, he sounds like a jerk?'
Because I need to.