Saturday, February 15, 2014

Dear Universe; Screw the Vampires, I'm Writing This

This can't become another place for me to lie. And smile. And pretend I'm ok. And everything's great. And that i'm normal, and that I can brush off any disappointment and look at the positive.

My therapist told me I need to cry until I can't speak. I'm crying now, but I can still speak so I don't think it's over yet.

I don't know what to do, my plans have fallen flat. I make so many plans, but I can't make any of them happen.

All to make up for how lonely I am. Because if you look lonely, no one wants to be around you.

i've always been lonely. I grew up afraid of my father and afraid of everyone around me. I isolated myself, but I thought I was surviving. I made up worlds in my head, made myself strong in fantasies.

There are some people whom I don't care about at all. I don't care if they reject me, I spit on the ground as they leave and I laugh.

But there are others whose rejection makes me feel like I'm dying inside. Why are these people so special? Sure, the ones who are family, I get that. But there are some seemingly random people who are somehow different than the others.

This is a weird post. I'm speaking too generally. Time to admit; I had feelings for a man and he is so confusing. He's sweet and caring and somehow also totally alien. I pride myself on being able to figure people out but he's inscrutable. I tried being direct, totally honest; it's my most effective weapon for bridging the male-female language barrier. But he's just ignoring me now.  I solve problems by talking them through, thinking them through but he's shut me out completely.

Nothing further I can do. So, you might be thinking, 'why are you crying over this guy, he sounds like a jerk?'

Because I need to.

4 comments:

  1. Jerk or not, sometimes you just gotta cry! I can relate -- there are plenty of times that something happens and I think "this isn't worth crying over" but then I do anyway -- and sometimes, it makes it better. -- Darcy

    By the way, on a totally unrelated note, I love your plant and flower photos! :o)

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  2. I'm with Darcy-- sometimes you just have to cry even if it doesn't even seem like a legit reason. I have the most illegitimate cries all the time.

    And girl... I know what you mean about making plans that keep falling through or never panning out. I have been there, done that, a gillion times. Honestly, reading this post felt like reading a past journal entry. Just keep hanging in there, keep your chin up, and keep moving forward.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Aussa. I'm still here, still fighting.

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