I Swear it's Not Boredom

 It's something so much worse. It HURTS. I can't focus on anything and I won't feel ok until I get the thing that I am searching for; which in this case is a cheeseburger. A good, restaurant-quality cheeseburger with lots of meat. I've already eaten dinner, and I've had two bowls of ice cream with chocolate sauce, that doesn't matter. It isn't a stomach hunger, it's a heart hunger. But sometimes if I listen to myself and exactly what I'm craving, a heart hunger can be satisfied if I get what I'm craving. And then I will feel ok for an evening. Then I can think about other things and talk to other people without feeling this mental pain that could be boredom but you can't call this shit boredom. 

The word 'boredom' feels dismissive. Well, maybe I should just do something, then I wouldn't be bored....

LOL

wrong.

I will be feeling this feeling for the rest of the evening and maybe into tomorrow. But, I'll be taking Concerta in the morning so hopefully that will put an end to it. It's like one of those migraines I get and I know I am just going to have to lay down in a dark, quiet room, with a wet cloth on my eyes and take a couple tylenol and wait it out the rest of the day.

I'm still trying to figure out this ADHD thing and it's frustrating because I feel like it just hasn't been researched very much in adult women yet. I don't feel like my therapist even understands and my psychiatrist just left the practice so I'll be seeing someone new soon and who knows if they will even believe in ADHD.

I feel like people think I'm nuts when I try to explain it, or worse; that I'm exaggerating and just a lazy piece of shit.

I wish I had someone in my life who understands. It would be so helpful to be able to talk about this to someone without feeling like I'm being judged, although that feeling might be my faulty perception because of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

oh, the mental anguish!!

It fucking sucks.

update for my records: it is one hour since I posted this and I feel better. I wrote this post and then went to catch up on my fav blogs posted in my sidebar. Then I went through the comments on The Bloggess and visited the commenters' blogs. Lots of 30+ women with inattentive adhd, made me feel a little better.

When it's ADHD, but You Don't Find Out Until Your Mid-Thirties

 So, diagnosis update. I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type. It's been a long journey to get this diagnosis, both before and after I suspected I had it. It really sucks that I had to realize it myself before I could try to get formally diagnosed because it's something you have for your whole life and is usually diagnosed in childhood. But, because I wasn't a 'behavior problem' when I was young, and I got good grades, no one saw any reason to test me. I'm not sure that they completely understood ADHD in girls when I was young. My mom says I could never sit still, but I could sit still in class. I think I was always so scared of getting in trouble that I was able to minimize some of the symptoms. But, I wasn't really living in the world for a long time. I would daydream and stare into space a majority of the time but I was smart enough to not need to pay attention in class and I read books every chance I could get, so I was intuitively good at english and spelling. My mom worked with me on many concepts outside of school and made her own worksheets and lesson plans. I think the tendency to daydream was not only a result of ADHD but because I was being bullied in school and my dad was struggling with his own issues and would get really mad sometimes. I learned to be quiet and to not set people off. And I learned to be in my own little world and just endure what was happening in the real world. So, briefly I will say that I also have been diagnosed with PTSD, because of my childhood and then abusive romantic relationships as well as several assaults in my adult life. I think I also have PTSD from dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. I have had these symptoms all my life and have been asking for help with them for over a decade.

•  My struggle with being on time
• starting tasks
• completing tasks
• being very sensitive to any sign of rejection from other people
• strong, overwhelming emotions
• not being able to understand people when they speak at first - sometimes it seems like they are speaking another language and then if I'm given a few seconds, I can process what was said and suddenly I understand it. 
  

    These have been very scary to deal with and I always just thought there was something particularly wrong with me. I thought I must be lazy because everyone was telling me that I just needed more self-control, more will-power. I was told by a therapist that "you'll be on time when you want to be on time." It was always assumed that my struggle with being on time was because I didn't want to go to that particular place, even though I've insisted that it wasn't true and that I wanted to be on time. No one believed me. Even my own mother thought I was lying to get out of doing things when I said that I forgot to do them. Both my parents thought I was extremely passive-aggressive and that being late to family things was some sort of manipulation tactic.

     Especially the auditory processing disorder. I have always thought that I was just stupid. Or that it was anxiety. I say "what?" a lot. So much that I get embarrassed that I haven't heard someone and I just pretend that I did hear them and I try to guess what they said. That doesn't always work and it gets really awkward. Sometimes they repeat themselves several times and I still don't have any clue what they're saying. Sometimes I just give up and get quiet. Just go back to my fallback of enduring the situation until it's over.

    My current theory is that ADHD and PTSD are at the root of my other diagnoses. I think I get depressed because I can't do things that other people can do so easily, and I didn't know why until now. It's hard for me to relate to other people, because I don't just do things because I want to and when I think of them, and I have trouble participating in conversations because I can't understand what's being said and sometimes the conversations move too fast for me to process, especially if there are a lot of people involved. It's so alienating, and I've developed social anxiety because of that and because I wasn't a normal kid and spent so much time in my head. I've always been anxious about sharing too much with people about my daily experience because they will reject me. My boyfriend in college lost a lot of respect for me when I said that I watch TV to shut off my brain. He told me he couldn't believe that I would admit that, because he just didn't understand why you would want to shut off your thoughts, and he thought that was something only lazy people would do. I have too many thoughts. Sometimes I get into a thought loop and it just repeats the same thing over and over and over.... Sometimes I think about something in my past that is really upsetting, actually for much of my life that type of thought has been almost constant. It's really hard for me to get on a different track cognitively, and switch to thinking about something else once I start thinking about negative things, and TV is a great tool to help me shut things down and get into a different headspace.

    I just want to feel ok. Like I'm not a failure and a screw-up. When I don't have to do things right away, I watch TV and I get on my phone and cuddle with my cats and just revel in the feeling of not having things due and not having anyone demanding anything from me. I do that every chance I get and the result is unfortunately that I end up not getting things done. 

    I don't think I deserve condemnation for using TV to medicate. Or for using sugary foods and binge-eating to help with my emotions and then gaining a ton of weight, or for developing OCD to compensate for forgetting things all the time, or for developing dermatillomania because I'm restless and anxious, or for developing a strong freeze response when I feel threatened, or for being a really quiet person because I want to avoid upsetting other people and/or making them angry at me, or for developing this weird thing where the expression on my face doesn't match what I'm feeling - which is an effect of trauma.

    I am frustrated that I was not diagnosed earlier, and that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and took lithium for so long which I didn't need to be taking. I'm frustrated that my symptoms were ignored by so many people including my parents and several different mental health professionals. I am frustrated that I feel like I still can't talk to people about this in a way that will make them actually believe me that I'm struggling with these symptoms and not being lazy or trying to manipulate someone. 

    I am happy that my parents finally believe me and are finally beginning to understand me better. I am glad that I have this diagnosis now so that I can try to get treatment and so I can finally understand myself and work toward a solution to what is the root of my problems.

vent 2

 AND you ask me if there's something you can do to help me pack but it's a fucking trap.

Because what you really mean is if there's something you can do to help that YOU think is WORTH doing. You don't give a shit about what I think or the things I care about. You think those things are stupid.

I have tentatively given you a couple options.

They are apparently too stupid to even consider. Why would I ever want help hanging pictures? Why would I want to paint? Everything I tell you is ridiculous so why would you think I would tell you anything else? Why would I trust you to help me go through my things when I know you will just look at it with condescension and contempt? Because I am a burden to you, and all of my things represent that for you. 

Why do you think I avoid you when I'm home? Because I'm lazy? Or because it's too difficult to talk to you or hear your gigantic exasperated and exhausted sighs whenever I pass by your office. Because you look at me with contempt. You don't have to say anything for me to know how you really feel. I know what you think of me it's written all over your face.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make it better? It seems pretty hopeless. 

I peeled so much skin off my feet tonight. That's going to hurt tomorrow.

vent

 Here I was, thinking that my dad and I could actually have a healthy relationship for one second.

Guess not.

He's such a toxic, problematic person. Am I annoying? You think I'm a jerk? Maybe you should think about why I am that way. Maybe I could have every therapist and psychiatrist I've ever had write you a letter. I don't even remember half of their names so maybe that should clue you in as to the damage you did.

That would be so many letters.

Did you know the state considers me MEDICALLY FRAIL due to the severity of my mental illness? I get extra fucking benefits because of it.

Fuck you.

That Serial Killer I Dated, Part III (TW-assault)

In therapy today we talked a lot about past relationships and how they made me feel about myself. The Serial Killer came up and my therapist told me that he does a lot of work with people who have trauma and PTSD and that actually in most cases the first instinct is to freeze. He told me I don't need to feel bad about that or own it as a part of me that is defective because it's a biological response that happens in a lot of animals. They may end up running but at first they freeze.

To some extent I already knew that, but I also took it as a sign that I am passive and defective. I wrote the first part of this in 2014 and I know the incident happened before that, but I'm not sure exactly when. I just now skimmed what I wrote and it's hard to read. I had forgotten most of what happened, especially his name. I don't remember some of the things I wrote actually happening, and maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure I would recognize him if I saw him. But then again, I'm sure I would recognize his mannerisms like his posture and the way he talked, that was definitely distinctive. And his thin, light blonde/brown hair. Definitely similar to Trump's toupee. I've thought a few times about what I would do if I saw him again, especially since now I'm working in a similar field to what he was. I've always tended to think I would threaten him, and tell him that I would never be alone with him and that if I saw him doing ANYTHING inappropriate with a patient that I would end his career. Or just tell his boss what he did to me, and try to get him fired. I've fantasized about him coming in to the therapy department, seeing me and then just walking out again because he would know that he wouldn't be able to work there. Or, that I would reference the movie we watched to see if he remembered and then watch the color drain from his face as he realizes that I OWN his career and I can sink it with just a few words to coworkers and bosses. 

My therapist said that we brought up a bunch of things I haven't thought of in a long time and it might make me have some uncomfortable emotions, and I guess we'll continue to talk about this next week. It's nice to feel heard and feel like I can be honest with someone without it going badly. In the end, this series of posts is not about the Serial Killer, it's about me. I would like it to be about me moving forward and improving and learning to trust people - but not putting my trust in the wrong people. There are some really terrible people out there and they don't deserve my trust or my time. 

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Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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Chaos

That's the only way I can describe living in the United States right now. 

Chaos.

I've already started thinking about leaving the US but it's not like you can just drive up to Canada. I have only looked into it a little but it seems like you have to have a master's degree and some savings. Plus my family is still here. But I don't think there's a very good future anymore in this country. Fascism is on the rise here, kids are getting shot in schools and I don't trust our government at all to deal with the coronavirus. But I don't want to go into all that right now. I just want to express my disappointment and my frustration in my country. I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix any of this or how to even try. I don't know what the right thing to do is, should I be taking every precaution to protect myself, my cats and my parents - since I'm living with them currently, or should I be out protesting? Risking life and limb to try to improve civil rights? 

I just read that Obama signed something into law when he was in office that gave federal agents the power to do what they are doing now in Portland. Of course I can't tell if it's really true, who knows what's true anymore? But now I just feel so disillusioned. I feel like Bernie Sanders was our last chance to stop this runaway train but the people at the top are driving it and are not going to let it slow down. 

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Again with the blog thing

So, I think I should start writing in this blog again because I think it's important for me to have some sort of journal. I just don't remember things well, if you asked me what I did for Christmas last year, I have to think really hard to figure it out. And it blows my mind that other people can remember that stuff! And it makes me feel like shit when someone asks me a question like that and I just can't remember at all. Or I'll say what I think might have happened but it's wrong. 

My therapist awhile back suggested that I might have ADHD and I said no, no way. But then I kept thinking about it and noticing how my coworkers processed and remembered information so reliably and quickly. At first I blamed it on the bipolar, or the lithium, or missing my dose of lithium, but I've read up on it and talked with other therapists (I've had a few over the years) and I think it really explains a lot of my symptoms. I think it's even possible that it explains some things that I attributed to bipolar. I talked to my most recent therapist and she thinks it's possible I might not even have bipolar.

WTF??!!

My psychiatrist is going to do a med review when I see him in a few weeks. 

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I think my blog got deleted

I think this blog got deleted? So we'll see if this actually publishes. Anyway, it's been almost three years since my last post so obviously I'm great at consistency. I just wanted to post this short thing today because I watched a TED talk that really resonated with me;

I Am Not a Monster: Schizophrenia by Cecilia McGough

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbagFzcyNiM

I recently told my therapist that I feel like people treat me like a monster when they learn that I have Bipolar disorder, and I think this video really illustrates what life is like sometimes with a disorder like this. We can't let fear rule our lives and lead us to treat vulnerable people like they are dangerous.

That's all.

I hope you all are having a safe isolation period.

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Play it Again

Fuck.


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.

Jane

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Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









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Just Sayin'

I'm a good person


But I'm not a nice girl.

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Waste of Space and Time

Tonight I feel fundamentally flawed.

Having Friends.   Having a Relationship.  Success in Work.   Going Out.   Getting Married.  Having Kids.  Getting a House.


These are all things that happen to other people. I'm just one of those people who has something wrong with them and other people can see it and they avoid it, they stay away. They give each other sidelong glances when they think I'm not looking. They try to end conversations with me.

And I try so hard to be liked, it's my driving force in life. It motivates nearly every decision.

But I'm so deeply flawed I can't even find a therapist who will talk to me like I'm a normal person. They are stilted with me, condescending, treat me like I'm crazy. Treat me like I'm wasting their time.

I'm wasting their time.

wasting their time

wasting
 their time.

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Back and As Much As Ever

I'm not doing well. I didn't go to work today. Although, to be fair, I was worried about my cat since he puked something nasty on my pillow and I thought he might have an intestinal blockage. Now I'm watching him to see if he poops and he has not, all day.

Luckily, my homework got postponed, so I don't need to do it in the next hour.

I have been a mess. Not going to class, not turning in assignments, getting to work later and later. Sleeping all day, all I want to do is watch Golden Girls, eat Reese's eggs, and lay in bed with my cats. I want to get better. I've made some strides; I've gotten a new therapist - I see her online, which is a new thing for me but probably good. I cleaned a little the past few days.

I keep resolving to get out of bed, do my homework, get to work on time, and get things in order. But, I just let the days pass by.

My therapist told me to make a list of the negative thoughts I have and write positive ones so I can counter them. However, I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. It's practically constant, except when I'm watching TV, which is why I'm addicted.

She told me to say 'Stop' out loud when I have a negative thought, but once I do that, sometimes I just go on to think other negative thoughts, especially when I'm on a roll. I'm an old hand at this by now and I know that there are no easy fixes and changing the way you think is incredibly difficult. So why am I suddenly expecting this technique to work immediately? Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I was searching online for answers, something to tell me step-by-step what to do to get out of this funk and doing a hobby you used to enjoy/express yourself creatively was one of the steps. Yes, amazingly, I did find a step by step thing. Who knows if it will work but I'm giving it a shot because I looked for advice and I found it so I might as well follow it.

Maybe I should make that list of  negative thoughts. She said I only needed a few to start with, so it doesn't need to be comprehensive.

1. My father thinks I'm a failure.

There are unlimited iterations of this in my brain. 

1. My father thinks I should have gone to a different college
2. my father thinks my degree makes me basically unemployable

I am getting chest pains already.

     2. I'm not good enough to get into OT school

     3. I'll never be a good enough student for a master's degree

     4. I'll never get my stats grade up enough to look good for my application

     5. I won't be able to manage three classes next semester

Tell me how to counter these? They seem carved in stone.

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate you.

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch more Golden Girls.

I did take new pictures in Florida a few weeks ago. 

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Crashing

I'm not sure if this is going to be a coherent post. I was clearly in hypomania for at least six weeks or so; I was sped up and felt like I had caffeine in me all the time. But now I feel slow and depressed. It's hard for me to think of things when people ask me questions and my thought processes are all around slowed down. I have a heavy heart and I feel like shit. Like a shit. I feel like a piece of shit.

Good and bad things have happened, that's not what this is about. I can clearly feel that this is my chemistry cycling into depression just as it has many times before. I was happy earlier, then irritated, angry, now sad. I just don't want to be this sad. I guess I have to pay the price for the high I felt earlier.

I told my meds doctor that I had stopped taking my Lithium because I thought I didn't need it. I thought that perhaps I was misdiagnosed and maybe my illness should be classified as Major Depressive Disorder as it has been for like 10 years...

And the lithium didn't seem to be doing anything for me, I don't even get side effects from it, it felt like a sugar pill. So, I just didn't worry about taking it every day.

Once I started to feel some negative effects of the hypomania like the irritation and the anger, and I was super rude to this guy at work and starting to get written up again for being a jerk, I started taking my lithium again.

AND I've asked my meds doctor to add something for anxiety because I have been on the edge of my seat nearly every moment of the day. It takes so much for me to relax at night. Sometimes I do ok and then other times I need to listen to guided sleep meditations and it might take multiple ones before I can relax my muscles and breathe easy.

My illness has been nuts lately. The hypomania and depression and anxiety would be enough but I've also been possibly experiencing such social anxiety as to border on paranoia. On wikipedia (great source, I know, I know...) it says that "Social anxiety is at the bottom of this hierarchy as the most frequently exhibited level of paranoia."

And " A paranoid person may view someone else's accidental behavior as though it is with intent or threatening."

I feel that these quotes totally describe me. Recently, I've had to turn my music up in the office so that I can't hear others' conversations because otherwise I start to think they are talking about me; gossiping and saying negative things. A couple times I've felt so intense about it I've had to go down and try to get a drink of water or something near them so I could hear what they were saying and see if they were talking about me. They weren't of course.

Or, once, a couple of my coworkers left around lunchtime and I thought they had gone out to lunch without inviting me. I had to listen to some breathing exercises on my phone to calm down. It turned out they had just gone to the post office and as soon as they got back they invited me to lunch.

Another time, I noticed my boss had left the office with our HR director and I was sure they were talking about how I was 5 minutes late that morning and how HR didn't like me and wanted me gone. But it turned out they had gone to buy food for our annual picnic. I mean, they could have still been talking about me.

I've had this problem since middle school, where I'll be certain that a nearby group of people is saying bad things about me and I'll be really angry and embarrassed and not be able to think about anything else.

Last week I accused my therapist of not listening to me, being condescending, and saying a few things with a nasty/mocking tone. She assured me that was not her intention, and told me that it made her uncomfortable that I said those things and that she felt she had to be careful with every facial expression, gesture, and word she said. She said she would still work with me but did not understand why I wanted to still work with her.

If I have intense social anxiety, every therapist is going to make me feel uncomfortable, but should I keep silent when I feel hurt? Or is she maybe a jerk and not owning up to it? Who would?

The problem is dizzying.

Does my therapist have good intentions?

Well, it didn't feel like it to me.

But, I know that I often have symptoms of paranoia.

And yet, shitty people still exist and have done shitty things to me.

She seems to know her stuff, knows CBT and does more than just ask, 'so how was your week?'

Doesn't mean she didn't have a bad day, and is now trying to cover her ass.

Well, everyone has bad days, they shouldn't be hated forever for it.

That is true, and she does seem like a good therapist. But, I'm not sure she wants to work with me anymore. And, maybe her bedside manner just sucks. And, if social interactions are my problem shouldn't she be trying to help me instead of kicking me to the curb?

Well, she said she would continue to work with you. So she didn't completely kick you to the curb. There is some uncertainty about whether she will end up cancelling. A good therapist should definitely help no matter how uncomfortable they are, as long as it's not in a sexual way. It's what I would do. Haven't I earned that in Karma, yet?

I don't know, maybe you need to wipe some more butts and wash some more feet first. Or maybe Karma doesn't work that way - or doesn't exist. 

 I don't know where to go from here. This was supposed to be the basic argument - I didn't feel like she had good intentions but I'm crazy so maybe she did, but I'm crazy so how am I ever supposed to know the difference?

Yea, it kinda got off track.

It's ok, no one's going to read this far. 

 I can't afford my therapist anymore anyway.

I kinda think you should do one more session with her - just to see what happens. Will she cancel? Will she freak out? Will it be awful? Will it be ok? Will she insist you see someone else afterwards? It could confirm or deny your fears.

Some fears are better left unconfirmed...

For science?

I was going to say let's talk again but now you're getting on my nerves.

Sorry.  

Damn, I can't even be nice to myself. Well, I knew that. My nightmares are too disturbing to talk about. 




 
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Recovery: So What Now?

You know what's weird about recovery?

Every fucking thing.

If I'm not binging, or picking, or obsessing....

What the hell am I doing? It's like there's a great big hole in my life tonight. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't there yesterday and it probably won't be there tomorrow. But, tonight feels very weird.

I haven't binged in a month. I've rarely even felt the urge during that time and it's pretty unclear why. I got sick twice last month; the first time with a nasty stomach bug where I threw up bile (yay fun times...) and then a week later with the flu which included a lovely 101.7 F fever. That one took me about three weeks to fully recover from. And for two of those I was not regular at all.

So during these sick weeks I had zero appetite. The thought of food made me ill and all I ate was crackers, jello, applesauce, and maybe soup - near the end of it. The first time I was sick I was pretty much done with eating that stuff and SO ready to eat real food again. As soon as my appetite was back and pretty much right on the line of thinking I could handle it: I went out and bought myself a half dozen donuts.

My appetite still hasn't really come back after the second time of being sick. Well, I shouldn't say that exactly. I want to eat food but my appetite has changed and the way I go about making food choices has changed. Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

LISTEN TO ME.

Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

Not as a diet plan, not because my therapist suggested it that week, I'm doing it AUTOMATICALLY.

WITHOUT THINKING.

 Well fucking shit.

Do you know what I'm having right now? A smoothie. I have access to snacks, but right now my body wants something cold, refreshing, a little sweet - something like juice (but I don't have any juice) and I chose to make this smoothie. Although, I'm realizing now that I'm still hungry and I could use something more filling - maybe one of my veggie corn dogs or just a hot dog.

I usually would have consumed a package of something chocolate by now.

I'm sorry this post contains so many paragraphs - it's just how I'm feeling right now. Each thing I'm doing is a fucking Eureka - breakthrough - moment and shit.

I'm also sorry about all the cursing. Well, not really.

Anyway, let's return to the original thesis; recovery is seriously weird but I didn't really notice it until tonight. I talked with my therapist today and he asked me if I missed the binging and what I did instead as my evening ritual. I told him I didn't miss it and the truth is I barely even noticed. The transition from listening to what my body needed when I was sick to listening to it when I was well was so gradual it was absolutely seamless. I'm sure it also had a lot to do with all the things I've been learning in therapy about HOW to listen to my body. I'm definitely going to keep reading the book I started about mindful eating since I think it has had a direct correlation to this event and I only completed one of the exercises.

So what did I do instead of binging?

Honestly, some nights I picked. I have dermatillomania and I have often picked the skin off my feet before or after binging so I just went straight to it when stressed this past month. I also still watched a LOT of tv, and played on my phone - Sudoku is my thing.

But tonight I got bored of that. I mean, it IS pretty dull doing that in your free time all the time. I'm not saying I'm to the point where I'm really going to start doing anything else... simply because I'm too stubborn to say that. I don't know why - some sort of mental block. Like - I'm not wasting time, I'm gonna do whatever I WANT, bitch!

But... maybe what I want to do is changing a little?

I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say here. Recovery is uncomfortable. Sure, I'm not binging tonight but what AM I doing? Who am I underneath all my disorders? Now I'm restless and I've got to deal with everything that the binging 'treated.'

Blech.


























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Republican Gamers, Homophobes, and Staying Home

     I can't believe it's been three months since I last talked to those Republican Gamers. The DM did text me and asked me back over for a game night a month later but I turned it down. They have not asked again. I guess I just didn't feel like I could go back over there.

I haven't been gaming anywhere else either, there's this guy who is a giant homophobic bigot (who reeks of cigarette smoke - sorry, guys, I hate that smell) who declared in the middle of Machi Koru that he thought he and I liked each other and that he wanted to make sure that we played the next game together. I laughed way too loud and awkwardly and really did not know what to say. If I had been suave and cool and perhaps a normal person I might have said,

"I'm sorry, I was really just enjoying your company as a friend and I'm not really interested in anything more."

But in front of everyone? I'm just not that coherent. I mean, he was fun to play with and I was friendly toward him but not that friendly. At least I didn't think so.

And, if you're wondering if I have any reason to call him a homophobic bigot, I do. He got up on his soap box in front of everyone about how he had to stop watching certain shows because they have gay men on them now, but he's OK with lesbians as long as they aren't 'the butch dyke ones.' Right...

The sad thing is when I was there I was talking to the Republican Gamers, and lamenting how people can actually still hold these opinions and the DM drops the bomb on me that he really feels the same way about gay people but he 'knows better than to spout off about it in mixed company.'

Shit.
So, I haven't been back to that gaming circle either. Two down.

I HAD been trying a new place downtown. That's the one I had been thinking about cancelling in my last post. It went SO WELL. We played Fate which is an RPG where there is no DM and you basically take turns telling parts of the story. It was really fun and there was a couple of really cool guys who showed up to play.

 But guess who suddenly started showing up downtown for their next games?... um, yes, Homophobic Dude. I guess I could have gone anyway but honestly he's a big guy and it's scary enough trying to go to new places where you don't know anyone and you're not really sure of your surroundings, then suddenly you think this big, crazy guy who may or may not have been a gunner in the military seems to be stalking you? Easier to stay home.

It's really a shame because I was getting into gaming and RPG's. Mostly the people there are into the same things I'm into plus the games were the right amount of complicated so that I could sink my brain into them and not think about anything else. It's kind of like what I was doing with TV before, but healthier. Instead of using a hobby to shut off my brain, I was trying to think through all these rules so that I could ruthlessly destroy my opponent (and drop some nerdy jokes while doing so). It really was a lot of fun, I miss those Republican Gamers. But, I am really not sure what I would do at this point.

I don't know if the problem was me or them, you know? Should I really expect myself to be able to get along with people whose views are so fundamentally different from mine? And, weren't they pretty big jerks about it?

OR, is it me? Is my view skewed? I saw them as attacking me but is that my personal neuroses? Were they really acting like normal people and I was the one acting like a fucking nutcase?

I'm really a broken toy right now when it comes to personal relationships. 'You hurt me, or scare me, or weird me out at all and you're gone' has been my rule for a while now. It's not a fantastic rule.











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I Am a Hermit, Don't Ask Me Questions

So, lately I've been doing pretty well and going about my business like a normal person.

Then tonight, I'm at my friends' house playing board games and they start talking politics. It's late, and they have moved seamlessly from one topic to this one and there was no chance to excuse myself.

Three Republicans in a room with me, the only little Democrat, trying as hard as I can to defend our president and other various 'liberal' atrocities. Even though, I'm interested in full discussions of things and examinations of issues and I don't necessarily have views that run exactly down the party lines, it feels to me like everyone is staring at me in anger. They get that angry tone everyone gets when discussing heated topics and it all seems directed at me. They move from one topic to the next, before I've even begun to analyze and ask questions about the first topic. It's not a tennis match - it's a battlefield with cannonballs whizzing past my head.

I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T EVEN WATCH THE NEWS BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF AND BE UPSET ALL THE TIME!!!

It just makes me feel like I can't socialize like normal people do, because I can't handle this - very normal thing. People discuss politics. Mostly they don't go home and cry afterwards because they feel like their friends were angry at them.

I don't know how to not take it personally. If someone is looking at me angrily and using an angry tone, it's upsetting!!! And, when I get tripped up and have no idea what anyone is talking about because I avoid all this stupid news crap because when I read it, it puts me in a negative frame of mind which can continue all day and is frankly quite dangerous for me.

I had another game day scheduled with a different group of people, people whom I have never met before on Sunday but I'm not sure if I'm going to be up for going. It was going to be stressful anyway because of the newness, but if I'm already hurt and not feeling great emotionally, it's going to be very difficult to socialize at the level of the 'normals.' I may end up being withdrawn and shy and it's an RPG and that is very bad for RPG's.

I will wait until tomorrow and see how I feel before cancelling. In the meantime, I really wish I had some chocolate.












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That Serial Killer I Dated, Part II (TW-assault)

             A while ago I wrote a post about a man who assaulted me on a date. I had a hard time finishing Part Two, but here it is;

Part Two:

             Obviously I have some things I need to work on personally and looking back it’s easy to see the red flags and the many opportunities I had to cut this guy loose before it got to any kind of threatening situation. Maybe it’s a symptom of the depression, but I think that deep down I just don’t see myself as a person who has value. It’s not like I’m thinking in the moment, “I deserved that,” it’s just a general feeling and a habitual way of responding to the world. And day to day, there are times when I think, “Hey, I’m awesome! I’m kick-ass! I’m a strong, independent woman who will never be taken advantage of by a man!” But those are surface thoughts.

 

 

                It tells me that other people can do whatever they want but I am always to remain polite, calm, courteous and agreeable. 

                And yes, apparently it means whatever they want.

                I could say if it ever happens again I’ll punch that loser right in the nose! But I know I wouldn’t. I’ll make up a polite excuse and leave. I’ll freeze up and do nothing and wait for it to be over. 

                But maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This is a legitimate survival instinct, isn’t it? If I can’t fight him and he’s got me trapped, then it’s best to pretend nothing weird is happening so that it’s more likely I’ll get an opportunity to get away. If I fought, he might have just held me down harder or even hurt me. 

                It just made me feel a little bit like I was contributing to the problem, making him think I condoned his actions. But in the moment, I shouldn’t feel bad about being only concerned about my safety and getting out of there without further incident. I did whatever it took and that happened to be being compliant and courteous. 

                But it’s true that in general, I have a problem using this defense mechanism ALL the time. I think it’s because when growing up, my dad was angry a lot. It’s not like he beat us, but he would rant and rave and I would have to walk on eggshells. He would get very mad at me if I got the A not the A+, and would force me to ask the teacher what I could do to ‘make up for it.’ I learned that if I was quiet and just sat there until the raging was over and I could run up to my room then that was the best and quickest way out of the situation. 

                In summary; knowing all this about myself makes me want to pay more attention to those red flags in the beginning. Because they were there, and I ignored them because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated like a person. And, I think I started this post feeling a bit sorry for myself because I freeze-up and I am polite and courteous to people who are trying to hurt me but I am going to tell myself to refuse to feel that way (hopefully this will work) because I am just trying to protect myself the best way that I know how.  















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