Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Dear Universe, This is Definitely TMI. You’ve Been Warned.

I just shit in my bathtub.

My toilet was clogged and I tried plunging it but couldn’t fix it. ‘The need’ was getting pretty painful so I just squatted over the side of the bathtub. It wasn’t that bad but I never really realized how bad shit smells when it doesn’t go into water right away. I feel a little bad about thinking that cat shit smells terrible when mine is just as bad and possibly stronger smelling since there’s so much more of it.

So I cleaned up the tub and went to work. What a fantastic start to the day. 

But today isn’t yesterday so that’s a plus. Yesterday I was feeling really awful; I’ve been falling into a slump for the past few days. Sunday night I told Kato that it’s difficult for me to reach orgasm and that I’d really like to just focus on pleasure when having sex. Worrying about the orgasm is stressful for me and that by itself makes it really difficult to orgasm! He told me that he’s never really had an issue with pleasing women before and mentioned something about how ‘the screams turn him on.’ I’m like, ‘the screams? Seriously? Do they scream?’ Then I realize I believe him because he’s got the right kind of touch and I definitely like it. I know I would totally orgasm if I could and believe me I want to; for some reason it’s just not possible right now. It hasn’t been possible for over a year.

Well, let me qualify that. The way that an orgasm feels has changed many times during my life and perhaps this is just another one of those times. At first, it was the best thing ever; I felt it throughout my entire body. The only way to describe that type of orgasm is that it’s like sugar; if sugar were a feeling and not a taste. Sugar-orgasms are definitely my favorite but I still have others that are intense but don’t feel quite the same. And then there’s ones that are just spasms and there’s a release but it’s not earth-shattering like the sugar-orgasms. In the past year the orgasms I’ve been able to give myself are just puny and barely a release. It lasts a second and I’m left feeling a bit frustrated and kind of like, ‘oh, well, I’ll just watch TV now.’

At first I thought it was an emotional issue because after J left I was pretty broken in a lot of ways. However, it’s been a little time since then. So now I think it’s the new medication I’m on because some women have reported absent orgasms on Cymbalta. It’s supposed to be a rare side effect, but statistics don’t really matter when you’re in that 7% or whatever it is. So let’s count all the ways this sucks;

  1. Sex feels good but I can’t get a release
  2. I’m not a good liar and Kato has realized I’m not finishing
  3. Kato’s ego took a hit
  4. Kato is upset that I’m not orgasming, feels guilty I guess
  5. I’m upset that he’s upset. This upset is worse than the disappointment of not getting off.
  6. I feel that something is wrong with me
  7. I’m afraid Kato won’t stay
  8. I’m afraid that since I’m thinking about Kato being upset, I REALLY won’t get off because of all the stress
  9. I’m afraid that we’ve moved too fast in the relationship, that the emotional intimacy hasn’t caught up with the physical, so I’m not sure how personal I can get with this conversation (or any conversation with him)

What the hell should I do??!

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