Dear Universe, I call myself the Blue Morpho
There’s a difference between laziness and being too afraid to face the world. I am the latter. Whether it’s because I fear failure, because I feel I’ve already failed, sometimes because I just can’t face all the stress of having to interact with people, and or sometimes because I just want time to stop. I just want to lie in bed, in that moment between waking and getting up, and stretch it out forever so I never have to face the day. I don’t have to face my mistakes or any sort of challenge. Sometimes I just stay in bed all day, awake for a while and then drifting back to sleep again. I feel like most of college I just wanted to be unconscious and for a while there I was sleeping about 17 hours a day. I wanted all the exciting potential ahead of me and the naïve belief that I wouldn’t screw it up again. I would think, ‘next semester I’ll do all my assignments on time and do them well.’ That hopeful moment where I really believed I could do everything the right way was the moment I wanted to live in. Time continues on. And it terrifies me. Sometimes I just Shut Down.
I have had depression most of my life. I fluctuate between mild depression and major depressive disorder; I have some anxiety, some compulsions and I binge eat. I’ve been treated on and off starting in college, and (three years after college, I’m 26) recently started a new treatment program. One reason I’m starting this blog is to talk about my experience with mental illness; when I was younger I felt so cut off from the rest of humanity and I’d like to think I’m doing my part to get information out there that others can use to help themselves or just come to know they’re not alone. Sometimes I struggle, sometimes I shut down and sometimes I feel free of it all; Caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly.
The Blue Morpho also represents change (morph), and how I am constantly trying to improve myself in various aspects of my life; losing weight, improving my wardrobe, making new friends and taking care of old friendships, expanding my skill-set, learning new things, improving my career, finding new hobbies, finding that special someone, reinventing my living space and last but not least – recovering from an injury that derailed my career and profoundly affected my life. I want to share some of these challenges as well through this blog; hopefully conveniently organized by adding a series title to the title of the post such as Fit and Fabulous and Write Again.
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