Monday, April 18, 2016

Recovery: So What Now?

You know what's weird about recovery?

Every fucking thing.

If I'm not binging, or picking, or obsessing....

What the hell am I doing? It's like there's a great big hole in my life tonight. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't there yesterday and it probably won't be there tomorrow. But, tonight feels very weird.

I haven't binged in a month. I've rarely even felt the urge during that time and it's pretty unclear why. I got sick twice last month; the first time with a nasty stomach bug where I threw up bile (yay fun times...) and then a week later with the flu which included a lovely 101.7 F fever. That one took me about three weeks to fully recover from. And for two of those I was not regular at all.

So during these sick weeks I had zero appetite. The thought of food made me ill and all I ate was crackers, jello, applesauce, and maybe soup - near the end of it. The first time I was sick I was pretty much done with eating that stuff and SO ready to eat real food again. As soon as my appetite was back and pretty much right on the line of thinking I could handle it: I went out and bought myself a half dozen donuts.

My appetite still hasn't really come back after the second time of being sick. Well, I shouldn't say that exactly. I want to eat food but my appetite has changed and the way I go about making food choices has changed. Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.


Before I eat I check in with myself  to see if I'm really hungry, what I'm hungry for, and what will best actually satisfy that hunger.

Not as a diet plan, not because my therapist suggested it that week, I'm doing it AUTOMATICALLY.


 Well fucking shit.

Do you know what I'm having right now? A smoothie. I have access to snacks, but right now my body wants something cold, refreshing, a little sweet - something like juice (but I don't have any juice) and I chose to make this smoothie. Although, I'm realizing now that I'm still hungry and I could use something more filling - maybe one of my veggie corn dogs or just a hot dog.

I usually would have consumed a package of something chocolate by now.

I'm sorry this post contains so many paragraphs - it's just how I'm feeling right now. Each thing I'm doing is a fucking Eureka - breakthrough - moment and shit.

I'm also sorry about all the cursing. Well, not really.

Anyway, let's return to the original thesis; recovery is seriously weird but I didn't really notice it until tonight. I talked with my therapist today and he asked me if I missed the binging and what I did instead as my evening ritual. I told him I didn't miss it and the truth is I barely even noticed. The transition from listening to what my body needed when I was sick to listening to it when I was well was so gradual it was absolutely seamless. I'm sure it also had a lot to do with all the things I've been learning in therapy about HOW to listen to my body. I'm definitely going to keep reading the book I started about mindful eating since I think it has had a direct correlation to this event and I only completed one of the exercises.

So what did I do instead of binging?

Honestly, some nights I picked. I have dermatillomania and I have often picked the skin off my feet before or after binging so I just went straight to it when stressed this past month. I also still watched a LOT of tv, and played on my phone - Sudoku is my thing.

But tonight I got bored of that. I mean, it IS pretty dull doing that in your free time all the time. I'm not saying I'm to the point where I'm really going to start doing anything else... simply because I'm too stubborn to say that. I don't know why - some sort of mental block. Like - I'm not wasting time, I'm gonna do whatever I WANT, bitch!

But... maybe what I want to do is changing a little?

I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say here. Recovery is uncomfortable. Sure, I'm not binging tonight but what AM I doing? Who am I underneath all my disorders? Now I'm restless and I've got to deal with everything that the binging 'treated.'


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