The Blue Morpho: March 2014

This post is to officially put my blog on hiatus. I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II, and I think it’s just too soon to write about it. Right now, I am going through a crazy amount (no pun intended) of emotions; I am questioning this diagnosis and trying to find another psychiatrist to give me a second opinion. At other times I clearly see that the diagnosis fits and I am trying to understand what that means for my life. It’s very difficult to tease out what in my life is a symptom and what is normal. That is a HUGE question; what is normal? Besides the more philosophical part of that question, I need to know what my normal is so that I can figure out if my treatment is working.

It’s been difficult for me to accept that I need a treatment that seems so scary (lithium). Lithium comes with plenty of warnings and possible side effects. I am struggling with how this will affect my everyday life; can I have alcohol? You mean, I have to go to bed at the same time every night? Which recommendations for life with bipolar will I need to follow religiously and which ones can I leave by the wayside without a second thought? How will this affect my weight loss efforts? Sometimes, these drugs can cause weight gain and prevent weight loss. Should I just accept my size? Should I keep trying to lose weight? Am I going to gain 100 lbs? Are my current intense cravings for sugary snacks a symptom of bipolar, an effect of the new medication, sugar addiction, or perhaps I’ve been letting myself off the hook more often because of all the craziness going on in my life right now?

The change in medication is messing with me. It’s been weeks since I had a clean kitchen, and going out has been a struggle. I have been a bit depressed but also there have been times when I couldn’t focus but been restless. I’ve always attributed this to depression, but is it hypomania? Is it the bipolar? Or is it just that I have a boring job and scarce social life?

Basically, I haven’t been blogging. And I think perhaps the best thing to do now would be to forget editing and posting, and just do a lot of journaling for myself. When I come back in June, I am sure I will have TONS of stories to tell. I feel like I’ve crammed a couple years’ worth of life into just the past couple months. I’ll still be on twitter and reading other people’s blog posts and commenting. And, I’ll probably be editing my Zazzle store Phonemes where I’ve put my photography on different products and made some other miscellaneous things.

So, that’s it, and I wish everyone the best of luck. I’ll see you in June.