Thursday, October 10, 2013

Kissing Toads: It Gets Better, then Worse

                After Kato and I went on that really awful date (Kissing Toads: A Good Date is More Important than Cheese) I got really sympathetic and made a plan. I thought maybe Kato was distressed about the money thing so that’s why the last date was crap, and I decided to invite him over to my place to have him cook me dinner. This is something we had talked about before and he had wanted to cook for me at his place during a previous date but his roommates had left the kitchen a mess. To be fair, I saw that kitchen and it was a disaster area. There were dishes piled up well over the top rim of both sinks. I wouldn’t have wanted to cook in those conditions either.

                I invited him to mine to cook and left early from work so I could clean my apartment top to bottom, especially the kitchen. It ended up being a fantastic date. He really is a good cook and he paid for all the ingredients. He even successfully paired the meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. I was totally over the moon for him…

                We had a couple of other really great dates; sometimes staying in, sometimes going out, so I decided I wanted him to meet my friends (I had met some of his already). My friend was having a party at a bar and told me to invite Kato to come with me. I thought, ‘great idea! We could dance, have drinks, and have a great time!’ I invited him and he said yes without giving me any reason to think that this wouldn’t be a good idea. He even told me he planned to dress up and I was really excited.

                When we got to the bar the wind shifted. Kato was no longer the friendly, outgoing guy I’ve gotten to know. Kato was uptight, rigid, his face unexpressive, and he barely said two sentences to anyone. My friends all tried to engage him in conversation but he just wasn’t giving anything back. Not even when we go outside where it was quieter. 

                 I got stressed and started drinking (he had refused to get a drink – at a bar!), and the drinks were a little stronger than I was expecting. I tried to engage Kato, but he was a statue so I went off to dance with my friends for a bit. I kept going back to ask him to dance and he kept saying ‘no, I don’t dance.’ He finally ordered a drink but stayed put at that table like he was glued to it. I stayed by him for a while, but he was mostly catatonic so I went to go dance again.
                When I came back that time he was doodling chemical equations on a napkin.
                Let me say that again; he was referring to his phone, writing notes and chemical formulas on a napkin, and talking to himself quite animatedly!

                WTF?? He kept doing chemistry, insisting that he needed to get to a laboratory, and actually tried to leave. I have had experience with what guys do when they leave a bar as drunk and crazy as that so I wrapped my arm around his and physically kept him next to me. That was how I finally got him on the dance floor (by physically making him, what fun…), but he was still rigid and just standing there.  

                My friends started leaving and I realized that any fun would be leaving with them so I put Kato’s hand on the bar and told him to stay there until I got back. I settled the bill (yea, I paid for all my own drinks, he never even offered to get me one), collected Kato from where I left him and got out. I still needed to sober up so I found a bench where we could sit and wait it out.

                We talked for a good long while. I honestly don’t remember most of it. I just know that the first stuff I said to him was very loud and a little angry. I wanted to know why he wouldn’t dance with me, if he even liked me, and what was going on with him. He remained very rigid and gave truly robotic answers, saying that he has a hearing problem and loud areas physically hurt his head. He came with me that night because he likes me and I guess he had just decided to deal with it.

                So I felt bad, but not really. He had told me earlier that he was at the same bar with his friend last weekend and he hadn’t mentioned anything to me about a hearing problem or being uncomfortable at all when out with his friend.

                We talked a lot more as I sobered up and I’m really embarrassed that I don’t totally remember that conversation. I remember that I felt a little better about him afterwards and took him back to my place (although we just went to sleep). In the morning, he was very sweet and affectionate. We had sex and it was really nice (I even came, one of those spasm-y orgasms with a release but no ‘pleasure waves’). 

I was feeling pretty good about him and he was back to being the Kato I like. He took me out to lunch and we walked around the mall. He was not super talkative but not in an awkward way. I took him back to his place after that and unfortunately that was when it got weird again. We had planned to go to this festival downtown on Sunday and I asked him if he was still up for it. He said, ‘can we just see how I feel tomorrow?’ 

                So… I was pissed. And hurt. I tried to keep it under wraps, though, because it had been a really stressful night and I could understand not wanting to go out with me again. But I’m getting tired of the roller coaster he’s putting me through.

 Any thoughts?


  1. Ugh, girl-- NO. He is a hands down weirdy. I have dated moody controlling guys like this. He is manipulating you with his "i'm not having a good time, feel sorry for me" moods. It's a method of control and a big red flag is when you find yourself feeling guilty on account of his unhappiness.

    1. I just can't agree. Just because someone isn't having a good time and is having anxiety does not mean they're trying to manipulate me.