That Serial Killer I Dated, Part III (TW-assault)

In therapy today we talked a lot about past relationships and how they made me feel about myself. The Serial Killer came up and my therapist told me that he does a lot of work with people who have trauma and PTSD and that actually in most cases the first instinct is to freeze. He told me I don't need to feel bad about that or own it as a part of me that is defective because it's a biological response that happens in a lot of animals. They may end up running but at first they freeze.

To some extent I already knew that, but I also took it as a sign that I am passive and defective. I wrote the first part of this in 2014 and I know the incident happened before that, but I'm not sure exactly when. I just now skimmed what I wrote and it's hard to read. I had forgotten most of what happened, especially his name. I don't remember some of the things I wrote actually happening, and maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure I would recognize him if I saw him. But then again, I'm sure I would recognize his mannerisms like his posture and the way he talked, that was definitely distinctive. And his thin, light blonde/brown hair. Definitely similar to Trump's toupee. I've thought a few times about what I would do if I saw him again, especially since now I'm working in a similar field to what he was. I've always tended to think I would threaten him, and tell him that I would never be alone with him and that if I saw him doing ANYTHING inappropriate with a patient that I would end his career. Or just tell his boss what he did to me, and try to get him fired. I've fantasized about him coming in to the therapy department, seeing me and then just walking out again because he would know that he wouldn't be able to work there. Or, that I would reference the movie we watched to see if he remembered and then watch the color drain from his face as he realizes that I OWN his career and I can sink it with just a few words to coworkers and bosses. 

My therapist said that we brought up a bunch of things I haven't thought of in a long time and it might make me have some uncomfortable emotions, and I guess we'll continue to talk about this next week. It's nice to feel heard and feel like I can be honest with someone without it going badly. In the end, this series of posts is not about the Serial Killer, it's about me. I would like it to be about me moving forward and improving and learning to trust people - but not putting my trust in the wrong people. There are some really terrible people out there and they don't deserve my trust or my time. 

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Fuck

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. It lasted forever and I'm not sure about this guy. He said that family physicians are more appropriate to treat binge eating disorder, which says to me that he doesn't believe it's a psychological issue. And, that's just crazy because the last family physician I told about my binge eating practically laughed me out of the office. She was so condescending. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy asshole who eats too much. That's what everyone seems to think. And now I'm a drug-seeker too, because I want to stay on Vyvanse prescribed to me by my last psychiatrist. It's the only way I've been able to lose weight ever, and it's urgent for me to lose weight because I don't want to die from covid-19 and I'm currently obese which is a high risk factor. I can't just diet, it makes me gain weight because I can't handle it. But everyone thinks it's because I'm fat and lazy. But, it's a stimulant so because I want to be prescribed Vyvanse, I must be just trying to abuse it. I hate all of this. I want out of this backwards country. I don't know where to go because people suck everywhere. Maybe I'll find a place in the woods and go off the grid and never talk to anyone again. 

That sounds so amazing.

He doesn't think I have bipolar OR ADHD. But tell me, if I don't have ADHD then why is my memory so bad? He asked me who my last psychiatrist was and I couldn't remember her name. So he asked me, oh, how long did you see her for? Well, about a year. So I know he probably doesn't believe that I don't remember her name. But I truly didn't. People think I'm just lying when I say I don't remember things or when I don't know why I'm late, because it doesn't make sense to them. But I don't know how they CAN remember stuff. My brain is Swiss cheese, why does everyone else have sharp cheddar? 

These are my things. These are the things people think I do on purpose;

*Late all the time, for everything. I've been written up, even fired before. It doesn't stop me.

*Forget important dates

*Forget to do things that I said I would do or that I was asked to do, even if it was just a minute ago.

*Forget the past, anything from details of vacations, events from childhood, how long did I work at that place was it three months or a year? I don't fucking know. My whole life leading up to right now is basically a blur. Some things stick out in my head but mostly I have to think really hard about even what I had for breakfast this morning. 

How come I once was at the doctor and they asked me for my height and I said, "I'm 6 foot 5" and it took me a full five minutes to figure out why the nurses were laughing. Because I didn't think I was wrong and I wasn't telling a joke. I think I got it mixed up in my head because I'm 65 inches tall and I just said the wrong words for the units. I don't know. Who forgets how tall they are? 

Why does my mind go completely blank sometimes when I'm asked a question? And I can't remember anything about whatever the question was?

How come I can go to the psychologist and they ask me, "how was your week?" And I can't remember a SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK. Or they ask me, " what thought was going through your head at some particular point?" And I have no idea?

How come I have so much trouble with word finding? I once worked at a library and someone asked where a book was and I couldn't think of the word "bookshelf" to direct them to where it was.

How come sometimes when people talk to me it sounds like a foreign language for a few seconds and I have to think hard to figure out what they said?

Why do I get so obsessed with what people think of me that when I worked at *redacted* I would just sit in my office with my head in my hands, staring at the wall because I couldn't focus on anything except thinking about what people downstairs were saying, whether or not it was about me, and whether or not they hated me?! 

Does that not sound like ADHD, auditory processing disorder and rejection sensitivity disorder, the last two of which are common with ADHD? 

Why is psychology so subjective? I hate it! I don't want to have so many different psychiatrists and psychologists having all these different opinions, it's like, THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! I want fucking answers so I can deal with it and move on! And frankly? I don't want to have to keep things from people, I want to be able to show them who I really am and be open and stuff but if you tell someone you have bipolar disorder then they think I am going to shoot them! When, I'm so fucking passive if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably apologize to THEM. But people get so afraid of that word they will disappear out of your life as if you had actually threatened them. I'm sick of it. And if there's a doubt that I'm bipolar I'm going to take that doubt and just go ahead and say I'm not. And it sucks for all the people that are because it makes you feel so alone that all the things you go through every day you can never tell anyone in case they find out about the bipolar and leave or accuse you of creating a hostile work environment when really you just need a friend. It's fucking bullshit and I'm so done with all of it. 

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Chaos

That's the only way I can describe living in the United States right now. 

Chaos.

I've already started thinking about leaving the US but it's not like you can just drive up to Canada. I have only looked into it a little but it seems like you have to have a master's degree and some savings. Plus my family is still here. But I don't think there's a very good future anymore in this country. Fascism is on the rise here, kids are getting shot in schools and I don't trust our government at all to deal with the coronavirus. But I don't want to go into all that right now. I just want to express my disappointment and my frustration in my country. I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix any of this or how to even try. I don't know what the right thing to do is, should I be taking every precaution to protect myself, my cats and my parents - since I'm living with them currently, or should I be out protesting? Risking life and limb to try to improve civil rights? 

I just read that Obama signed something into law when he was in office that gave federal agents the power to do what they are doing now in Portland. Of course I can't tell if it's really true, who knows what's true anymore? But now I just feel so disillusioned. I feel like Bernie Sanders was our last chance to stop this runaway train but the people at the top are driving it and are not going to let it slow down. 

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Again with the blog thing

So, I think I should start writing in this blog again because I think it's important for me to have some sort of journal. I just don't remember things well, if you asked me what I did for Christmas last year, I have to think really hard to figure it out. And it blows my mind that other people can remember that stuff! And it makes me feel like shit when someone asks me a question like that and I just can't remember at all. Or I'll say what I think might have happened but it's wrong. 

My therapist awhile back suggested that I might have ADHD and I said no, no way. But then I kept thinking about it and noticing how my coworkers processed and remembered information so reliably and quickly. At first I blamed it on the bipolar, or the lithium, or missing my dose of lithium, but I've read up on it and talked with other therapists (I've had a few over the years) and I think it really explains a lot of my symptoms. I think it's even possible that it explains some things that I attributed to bipolar. I talked to my most recent therapist and she thinks it's possible I might not even have bipolar.

WTF??!!

My psychiatrist is going to do a med review when I see him in a few weeks. 

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I think my blog got deleted

I think this blog got deleted? So we'll see if this actually publishes. Anyway, it's been almost three years since my last post so obviously I'm great at consistency. I just wanted to post this short thing today because I watched a TED talk that really resonated with me;

I Am Not a Monster: Schizophrenia by Cecilia McGough

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbagFzcyNiM

I recently told my therapist that I feel like people treat me like a monster when they learn that I have Bipolar disorder, and I think this video really illustrates what life is like sometimes with a disorder like this. We can't let fear rule our lives and lead us to treat vulnerable people like they are dangerous.

That's all.

I hope you all are having a safe isolation period.

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Play it Again

Fuck.


I'm so screwed money-wise right now. I've been reckless. Racked up some credit card debt with misc purchases, grad school applications and just simply charged my card for online therapy without knowing how I was going to pay that off.

So yeah, things are amazing. I cut up one of my cards today and made a plan for paying things off. I'm going to have to liquidate my IRA to do it, and then I'll likely still have some monthly payments. And for school?

Fuck it man. I have to go to school or I'll never make more money. I'm just going to take it one semester at a time, racking up the debt and paying it off. I'm hoping I can sell a bunch of my stuff to help out. I don't need all this crap, and I'll only keep books that I read over and over again. Every penny will help at this point.

Unfortunately I can't live off of ramen, because when I eat like shit I feel ,like shit. BUT I may start doing that whole cash-envelope system for daily expenses because obviously when I just charge my card I'm not thinking enough about how much I'm spending.

Also.... I just took a trip out to the other side of the country to see a man. You know him, reader, I dated him before. I reached out to him through Facebook and we reconnected. He told me basically that he had freaked out on me because he realized he was falling in love with me but he didn't want to have children and I did, so he just couldn't deal.

Sounds a lot less romantic when I say it. So he warmed my heart and we were talking for about two months and then I went out to see him. He did pay for my ticket, guys. And all my food, and souvenirs.

Some things are different with him, and some things are the same. He's VERY polite to waiters/waitresses, and tips generously. We talk, but there's a lot of awkward silence that I've attributed so far to both of us being introverted and my hermit-like life currently. (if you don't use that social muscle you lose it)

But... I have noticed that he doesn't always reciprocate in conversations. If I ask him a question like, "where did you grow up?" He'll answer but he won't ask me anything in return. So I'm sitting there waiting for his question but it never comes. I need input on this - I don't believe I'm qualified to figure out what's going on. Autism???

I don't know. Anyway, he's smart, sexy, and respectful. I'm trying to be patient with the other stuff, communicate, and see how it works out. Its SO HARD, though, because I'm not a patient woman. I want what I want, and I don't like to wait. But, my usual approach to relationships has left me alone. No boyfriend, no friends. So I'm open to trying new things. I just think I might need therapy while I'm trying them. Therapy I can't afford. And we've come full circle.

I have my therapy workbooks. I may work through some pages, watch some Kati Morton. I don't know. We'll see how it all plays out, I guess.

Jane

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Blech

I am literally disgusting.

And I don't mean that in a "oh please shower me with compliments" kind of way.

Let's look at the facts.

Ok, sure I showered today. Ku-freaking-dos. I go days without showering sometimes and I know it's gross. It makes me feel awful but I keep doing it because I feel like I don't have the time or energy to shower. I wake up too late in the morning and I mean to shower at night but I get tired and just want to go to sleep.

I sleep all the time. All day, all night. I would spend the rest of my life in a coma if it were an option. I mean, as long as I had someone I trusted to feed my cats.

I am so fucking fat.

I have never had a gut and now my stomach is so big and pushes out. And I have giant thighs and a giant butt and my face is swollen and gross. I wouldn't go anywhere near me if I were the opposite sex. Maybe that's why I'm not into bigger guys right now, because it's like a reflection of myself. Men's weight didn't use to put me off and now I am so critical. Unless it's Kato, who I referenced earlier in this blog but I'm not going to link to it because it's probably pretty shameful and weird how obsessed I am with him right now.

Long story short, we reconnected and he told me he had freaked out because he was falling in love with me which was why he went MIA. Well, I pretty much fell in love with him the moment I saw him for some godforsaken reason so I was over the goddamned moon. Anyway, we talked pretty consistently for a while but now he's gone MIA again and it flipped my crazy switch.

When he said he loved me I immediately began to see a future with him, and how we would compromise and make everything work out and things would be perfect. Never mind that he lives on the other side of the country and is honestly pretty fucking weird. I mean, I am no person to judge at all though, so I thought that maybe our weirdness could complement each other.

But, now he's gone dark for...let's check...two weeks and why is it gutting me? We never honestly had a real future together. I guess I'm hurt because I absolutely hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I am worthless. And, him going dark just happened to coincide with when I asked him if I could visit him on Labor Day. HE asked ME to come visit! HE offered! But then when I start actually making plans he's done, I guess. This just makes me feel like shit. On the one hand, I am wondering if something happened to him because I don't even know! And then the other possibility is he never saw my question about Labor Day and he's just not getting on Facebook (we are talking through messenger), OR he's freaking out because he has feelings for me but we just live too far away and he that is scary - it was scary when we lived 15 minutes from each other, apparently. *OR* he's just a jerk, manipulating me and right now he's got his fill on that so he doesn't need to right now.

Whatever the reason, this is an unhealthy situation and I know that. It's why when I changed my number a couple years ago I never told him about it. He's just the last person who I felt affection and real attraction to who wasn't a celebrity or a fictional character. The last person I was with when I felt sexy enough to be with someone.

And we've circled back to me being disgusting.

I'm working on it, I feel like I've taken some small steps forward and some big steps back. I'm finally getting to work on time but it's a struggle every morning. I made it to a doctor's appointment without being turned away for being too late. Granted, I was 15 minutes late, but she's a nice lady.

My stove has mouse urine and feces in it. I should probably call APS on myself. Stupid mouse got in and did it's business in my kitchen and I can't clean it. The damn range won't open, I sprayed a ton of lysol in there but it won't stop smelling of urine when I turn it on. I know I have to take the range apart but it's one of those things that is so gross and hard that I can't do it. Still have some mouse droppings in the cabinets, too, though I've stopped using whatever was in them. Thankfully not all the cabinets were hit. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. Yay...

I haven't vacuumed in ages and my bathroom is disgusting. There is so much cat litter on the floor. I need to sweep but I don't. I need to do a lot of things that I don't do. That's just how it is right now.

Things suck at home right now. My job is good, though. I finally got out of that hostile work environment. I always seem to get into those. This job is good so far, though, after one month. There are good, regular hours so I've been establishing a daily routine. I'm really a very cheerful, happy person at work.

I read this article online today about people who use escapism to avoid their problems, and it was very tough-love. I've used escapism my whole life and it probably hasn't been the greatest thing for me. I think it got me through some hard times as a kid when I didn't have any control over anything and I needed an out. So now, my life is just about breaking these habits that I've gotten into that I have no use for anymore. Escapism made me feel powerful when I was powerless, it gave me enough strength so I didn't buckle under the verbal abuse from my dad, and the emotional distance from all my family members. I am learning now how to live in the world, and it's hard because I feel like I should already know how. And, I'm trying to learn how to be mentally and physically healthier but for now it's just hard. It's just really hard.









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