My Playlist Right Now

                   There are some songs right now that are really jiving with me. Like Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off.’ So many players and haters in my life right now (including the imaginary ones in my head). Not that anyone’s saying I’m promiscuous; well, I don’t know what they are actually saying because what people say and think about me is their business, not mine. But, whatever they think;

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

                One of my new favorite artists, Meghan Trainor, sings ‘All About that Bass;’ a song all about curve appreciation. I love it; it makes me feel good to hear someone being brave and saying, “I know I’m bigger and you know you love it.” Full disclosure coming: I’m a size 16 in the hips and a 38D up top. I don’t really know how to dress myself to look good and I wear makeup really only 10% of the time. The fashion and makeup stuff is a skill/time issue but I still remember what it was like to be skinny and look very sexy naked and I just don’t feel like I do anymore. I have a new body now and it’s songs like this that help me learn to appreciate it. Body-anxiety is very distressing pretty much every time I think about trying to be in public or dating or even making friends (or being with my self-righteous sister who likes to condemn people when they order fries for lunch or breathe a little harder when going up stairs).

                Third, but definitely not least on my list is by another singer I’ve just discovered; Mary Lambert. Who, in one of her videos actually wears a dress that I own myself! I was geeking out about that (OMG, I wear the same dress as a celebrity, suck it my fashionista friends…). Her song, ‘Secrets’ hits a very personal nerve. About every line is true for me; except I don’t love my butt, I’m not gay,  and I’m not scared of the dentist I just hate it there.

I've got bi-polar disorder
My shit's not in order
I'm overweight
I'm always late
I've got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

[Pre-Chorus:]
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can't think straight, I'm so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I'm passive, aggressive
I'm scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won't shut up
And I never really grew up

[Pre-Chorus]

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

(I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

Link to her website http://marylambertsings.com/

The Celebrity Sex List

Since all my posts have been so negative lately (well, shit happens to me, what ya gonna do?) I thought I'd throw in something purely puffy just because and to say that I'm not upset all the time. Sometimes, I think about stuff like this;

The Celebrity Sex List

The Celebrity Sex List is the list of people you can have sex with even if you're in a relationship. Even though that really isn't me right now (When you're single, your sex list is just: 1. Everyone), I definitely know who would be on mine.

1. Benedict Cumberbatch

Well, he was just so fantastically HOT in The Hobbit;

  

 Couldn't resist.

But, he is hot.

I didn't see it immediately, but after a couple episodes of Sherlock something clicked for me. I think it's his smile and how he lights up when he's acting. You just have to see him work, I think. Also, word on the internet is that he's a fantastic guy, a feminist, and a soft kisser (Molly's own words);

Swoon.

2. Colin Morgan

He's more than just the skinny boy who started out on Merlin. I think I may have a think for unconventionally attractive European actors who play characters with supernatural abilities? In any case, yes to Colin : )

3. Aaron Taylor Johnson

I usually tend to go for smart, more handsome guys. But this guy I put on this list for one reason only and that is one of the last scenes in Kick-Ass 2 where he is all buff and doing one-arm pull-ups, Oh  my  God.

 

 

4. David Tennant

Um, well, he's the Doctor. 

And, his love story with Rose Tyler will always be one of my favorites. It's actually the reason that I got into watching Doctor Who.

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones

I've always had a celebrity crush on this lady. She is so classy and sophisticated, yet totally sexy. I may never have completely swung that way but I'm confident I would for Catherine.

Spring and Summer in a Nutshell (TW-suicide)

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION

I haven't been posting much lately; I'm not really good about getting things done or following through on plans. I have a box full of dirty dishes in my dining room and actually it's not the only one.

I didn't go to work today. I actually just looked at the clock, realized I was ridiculously late and I knew I didn't give a shit about going in or even trying to get ready much less booking it to get there on time.

So I called in sick. It's not like I had a lot of work to do anyway and I'm not sure I would care if I did. I think something that was said at work yesterday triggered me. We are trying to improve our processes and there is a woman helping us; we had a meeting with her yesterday and she said she would be meeting with all of us to ask basically which tasks we like about our jobs and which we don't. One of my braver coworkers spoke up in the meeting and said it best, "I come to work, but not to work, because there isn't any work for me to do!"

I'm not sure I like anything about my job. But it's hard for me to look for new ones. I look through positions online but when I see open ones they usually do not excite me. Mostly it looks just like more tiresome bullshit. The ones I do get excited about and apply for, it's really difficult for me to write the cover letters because I get so anxious. But then I don't hear anything back and my self-esteem and motivation take hits that they can't really afford.

I tried to look a little for jobs today, but I couldn't do much. I got a headache and laid back down. There was a bit of sunlight that was very bright shining in my eyes and sunlight triggers my headaches. I think perhaps I am a vampire now. I've worked so long in a basement that I just can't handle being above ground during the day. It's probably a thing.

Anyway; to break down the timeline between my previous postings and now,

In a Nutshell

• I saw my psychiatrist (hereafter known as Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside); he was a horrible person. He deserves for me to sue him because he messed up my meds and upset me repeatedly; often yelling at me and all but telling me to shut up when I tried to tell him my symptoms.
• This spring I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal ideation. I would come in to work fresh from thinking about walking in front of traffic. 
• I didn't have much of a support system. For various reasons I basically have no one to talk to about this. And because I was becoming desperate and because my coworker (hereafter known as Bitchy McTraitor) and I had started becoming closer friends, I confided in her that I was having a rough time and that I had been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 
• She said I should tell my manager about my diagnosis but I disagreed. I didn't tell my employer about my diagnosis because I was afraid of giving them another reason to fire me. I know it's illegal, but they almost fired me before for a workplace injury that happened there so why not depression? They're shady, horrible people, and they proved it with all the shit that happened before with my injury. I have never trusted my manager and I told Bitchy McTraitor that.
• Bitchy McTraitor was initially sympathetic but soon distanced herself from me, and then began talking about me behind my back to other coworkers and complained about me to management. Apparently, she told management she was 'concerned about me,' but the stuff I've heard that she told other people does not support that at all. Mostly I think she was upset because I wasn't getting work done right away and she has always been one to look over my shoulder. But she should have also noticed me crying next to her at work most days. She is a heartless bitch. I mean, what kind of person sees a person, presumably a friend, who is in real trouble and says, 'man, look how this is affecting me? Look how much my workload has slightly increased because there's obviously a serious problem going on in my coworker's life. Instead of saying anything to this friend of mine and seeing if I can help her in any way, maybe I should go to management who have shown in the past that they have zero actual investment in the happiness of their employees and see how that works out.'
• This complaint led to me being written up for creating a 'hostile working environment,' and other work mistakes that were a bit shady and left mostly unexplained. I was given a week to 'improve the situation' or be terminated.
• By this time I had left Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside's practice and found someone new (an NP we'll call NP Flowers) who had straightened out my meds and explained (as much as I could understand) why Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside was obviously an incompetent prick. NP Flowers and I had a bit of a rough start but we're getting along fine now.
• So; once I got written up I kicked my working mode into high gear, I was mostly on time every day (as good as it gets), I quadruple-checked all my work before it went out, I did all my work right when I got it, and most importantly I scheduled time with my manager to discuss how to deal with Bitchy McTraitor. 
• There's a lot more to this story, a LOT. But bascially, I kicked ass and I took fucking names and one of them is Bitchy McTraitor's. I am now back in my manager's good graces and I cover my ass every time Bitchy McTraitor makes some new bitch move against me, so that my manager can see what a complete bully and horrible person she is. I am friendly to them even though neither of them are in MY good graces.

Maybe I will tell the rest of that story some other time. There are a lot of stories here but I think it's time to admit I'm not good at getting things done and I just want to get some of this hurt written down. Maybe it will help me sleep tonight, I don't know. I'm really considering making cookies. Or going out to buy cookies. I don't know, I feel like I need cookies.

I think I may be on a downward turn again and that is not good. Maybe it was the adrenaline and anxiety keeping me going this summer and now I'm spent. I'm finally getting a new therapist and I have made the appointment for next Friday. Hopefully she can help me get enough confidence and motivation or whatever I need to get the right stuff to finally get out of this job.

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In Memory of Kitten

Kitten,

                I didn’t get to say a last goodbye but I’d like to put one out there. You were a very special cat and my family and I will all miss you so much. You were found in our neighbor’s garage as a kitten and we took you in. You were an adorable kitten and you never really grew up, you even stayed mostly the same size. You’ve had so many different names; because you were so feisty and bitey we named you after a shark, and then at times you’d let loose some real smelly ones so we called you skunk. My family had a very heated argument over what your official name would be but mom’s name won out because she’s the one who filled out the vet papers.

                During my life there were a lot of times that I didn’t want to be around people but I’d always leave the door open a crack for you. You are always welcome wherever I am. When I came to visit after I moved out, sometimes you were the first I looked for and said hello to. I was flattered when I realized you recognized my car and would come out from whatever bush you were in to greet me.

                I knew you trusted me because when you were pregnant, you choose the space under my bed to have your kittens. It was pretty gross but also amazing and special. I really wish I could have been there for your last moments so you knew I loved you and knew I was there for you, but I’m thankful that my little brother was able to be there. He put you in a cushy bed and sat with you for hours and giving you attention. I almost made it in time, I hope you know I was rushing to get there but it just wasn’t enough. My brother told me you seemed ready to go and very peaceful.

                We have so many memories of you that we will always cherish, even my dad liked you and he doesn’t usually like cats. It won’t be the same without you.

I love you and will miss you always Kitten. Rest easy.

Jane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

Newly Diagnosed, Confused and Anxious

The next few posts are going to be ones that I wrote this past winter and never got around to publishing. This is a post I wrote in February and didn't publish.

I don’t know what I’m writing today. Perhaps just an update. I’m one day away from seeing my psychiatrist and possibly getting my meds changed. Hopefully for the better and for the cheaper.

I’ve been so anxious lately, though, I’ll definitely have to mention that. I got a little behind on my work so for the past few work days I’ve been anxious in the mornings to the point where my throat closes up a bit and it’s hard to breathe. I can usually take deep breathes and breathe through it, though. It takes a while to calm down and then I’m yawning the rest of the day. I’m getting plenty of sleep; I’ve been going to bed regularly at 10:30pm (then it takes about an hour to actually sleep) and then getting up around 7:30am. It’s all part of my effort to get to work on time.

So, I’ve been sleeping ok, waking up pretty well, and getting to work mostly on time. I’ve been taking my meds and even tracking my moods with moodtracker.com. I like that website because I can send myself reminders to track my mood, I can track multiple times a day, and even report mixed moods. I’m not sure if the anxiety has always been there so often or if I’m just noticing it more now that I’ve been tracking my moods.

Anyway, so I wrote down some stuff to tell the psychiatrist tomorrow to help him diagnose me correctly and I’m going to list them out here to help me organize my thoughts. Shit, I forgot my notebook. Maybe I can do it from memory?

Happening now

·         Anxiety most days; throat closing up, shallow breaths

·         Binge eating; out of control cravings when I feel like I just have to eat and eat NOW! Usually chocolate, cookies, donuts, etc. I will go out to the store and buy snacks if craving is strong enough. Definitely interfering with my weight loss efforts.

·         Peeling skin off the bottom of my feet. Sort of like the need to eat, sometimes I feel a need to peel skin. It’s really gross, my feet smell bad all the time and sometimes it’s difficult to walk because I’ll keep peeling them even after they are bleeding.

·         When I leave in the morning I check that the door is locked at least 10 times, sometimes more if I’m feeling more anxious.

·         I have very vivid dreams that can be violent and disturbing. I have been raped in my nightmares several times.

·         Sometimes my dreams are so real that I think they’re memories.

·         I’m often depressed; it doesn’t always last all day. Lately I have been anxious/happy/elevated in the mornings but then down in the afternoon and evening. It hasn’t been super bad lately (the past week).

·         I did feel ‘sped up’ when I first started Cymbalta, but I didn’t report the symptom because I thought it was just a really good antidepressant. Also, I liked the feeling and didn’t want it taken away.

·         Sometimes I have a lot of projects; I make huge lists of all the things I want to do, but then when I feel down again I don’t do any of those things.

·         Last year, about August or something I met this guy and slept with him on the third date, which is very unlike me. I wanted to sleep with him on the second date and I even told him we didn’t need a condom (but he said no because he wanted to be safe and he didn’t have any condoms).

Happened in the past

·         Extreme mood swings during college that happened very quickly. Feeling like I can do anything to despair within a minute. And then back again

·         Was a point when I couldn’t read anymore in college; my eyes would just slip off the page

·          Again, in college, outbursts of violent anger. I felt out-of-control; I hit things, threw things, kicked things, broke things, yelled and screamed.

·         Sometimes I could get suddenly ‘rage-level’ angry at someone just because they were near me or slightly in front of me. I yelled at my sister a lot sometimes because I felt like she was getting in my way on purpose to block me from a conversation or keep me excluded or away from whoever we were with, usually my mother.

·         Felt like people were purposefully excluding me a lot of the time. I felt like people were always talking about me behind my back or watching me.

·         Sometimes I thought there were cameras watching me (middle school and elementary school)

·         Once, I had a hallucination that spiders were crawling all over me when I was in bed, but I’ve always thought of that as a one-time thing. Just a weird thing that happened between waking and sleeping.

·         There was some time where I thought I had been in space (elementary school/middle school) but I had just dreamed it.

·         I used to think that if I didn’t worry, something bad would happen. I was very superstitious and I felt like if I had certain thoughts, they could make things happen.

·         Racing thoughts and ruminating thoughts so bad I would use TV to literally and purposefully ‘stop’ my brain.

·         At one of my friend’s parties when I was younger I was ‘the life of the party’ (elementary school)

·         Once, at a dance in high school I just went up to a guy I didn’t know and asked him to dance. But usually, I could barely talk to anyone.

Right now I’m thinking he’ll say ‘Bipolar with OCD, anxiety, and Binge eating disorder’. I’ve read that Bipolar + Binge eating is really complex and behaves differently than other Bipolar types and can even be more severe.

Shit, that’s a lot of stuff and I don’t think it’s even all of it. That list covers most of the things I remember that might be important for diagnosis. Except for some things that I’m not sure I can admit to anyone. I’m still not sure I’m going to tell him about wanting to sleep with a guy without a condom.

I’m also a bit nervous because my psychiatrist (pdoc) is a much older man and I’m not sure what his opinions are. I’ve had a lot of experience with older men and how they treat me like… well, like a little child who doesn’t know anything and doesn’t even deserve to be listened to. I’m not sure older men even HEAR young woman like me when we speak to them. But, my therapist is in partnership with my tdoc and he is also an older male (although not quite as ancient). Seriously, my pdoc looks like he’s mostly in the grave now, he’s just sitting up inside his coffin, pecking at his computer with his pointer fingers.

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