Dealing with Dr. Dickhead

A few posts ago I wrote about was what I was thinking before my appointment with my psychiatrist in February, when it had first been brought up that I might have Bipolar Disorder. That appointment was a turning point in my treatment.

For the worse.

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards;

Cried a lot after meeting with Dr **** because he was dismissive and very disrespectful. I cried on the way to work and tried to text G and when she gave me a very PC answer and said she couldn't talk I cried more because it seemed like no one was treating me like a human being. At least the girls in the psych office were nice and helpful. I was so frustrated. Dr **** just wanted to write me a script for lithium and not listen to anything I had to say. But I sat in my car when I got to work, waited until I could speak clearly, and called my insurance company and got a referral for a new psychiatrist. I called their intake line and hopefully they will call back soon. I will not see Dr **** anymore and I want a second opinion on my diagnosis from someone who won't tell me “I don't want to talk about that anymore” when I’m trying to list my symptoms, or “you're OCD, people with OCD tend to worry a lot about new medications but you'll just have to trust me” and “every medication for bipolar causes weight gain, do you want me to give you a different medication that causes weight gain?” when I brought up legitimate concerns about the lithium.

I'm an intelligent person and OCD or not, I deserve to be listened to when I ask questions, not dismissed! And no, I will not just trust you, you old, white dinosaur!

…..

He constantly interrupted me, told me to stop talking, and raised his voice to me several times. Here I thought psychiatrists were supposed to be good listeners or at least caring individuals. Not Dr Dumbass. I got the feeling I didn’t even need to be there really except to pick up whatever script he had decided on for me. I basically had to shove information down his throat, but trying to force him to hear my symptoms was like trying to search for extraterrestrial life by hiding under a blanket and trying to ‘think’ my message to the stars.

After talking to my friend and some people from my online support group, I decided it was best to go with Dr Fucktard’s treatment plan for the time being, although I dropped my Cymbalta dose more slowly than he said to. Cymbalta has little white beads packaged in a capsule and there are 200 beads in each one. I took 60mg and I needed to taper off to 30mg, so every 5 days I took a few more of the beads out of the capsules. I went down an eighth of the capsule at a time, and then once I got to 30mg, I started taking the Lithium. 

I have a mail-order pharmacy but I wanted to be sure to talk to a pharmacist when I got the Lithium because there are some warnings online about it that worried me; such as the weight gain, making sure to eat salt, drinking more water, and not sweating??

Since I could get a sixty-day supply from Target for $10, I just went to Target and not through my insurance for at least the first supply of pills I got, so that I would be able to talk to the pharmacist. I suppose I could have called my mail-order pharmacist but I’ve never really done that before and I preferred something this important be discussed face-to-face.

So far, officially, I have Bipolar Disorder, OCD and Social Phobia. 

I also believe I have Anxiety, Dermatillomania and Binge Eating Disorder, although I wasn’t able to talk these over with Dr Loser, since he was done talking to me.

I think when I fall hard into depressions it’s usually because I’ve slipped and there was no one to catch me. I talk a lot about how lonely am I and it’s really key to my disorder. When the people who are supposed to care for me and help me fall through, that’s when I fall down hard.

 

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.

My Playlist Right Now

                   There are some songs right now that are really jiving with me. Like Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off.’ So many players and haters in my life right now (including the imaginary ones in my head). Not that anyone’s saying I’m promiscuous; well, I don’t know what they are actually saying because what people say and think about me is their business, not mine. But, whatever they think;

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

                One of my new favorite artists, Meghan Trainor, sings ‘All About that Bass;’ a song all about curve appreciation. I love it; it makes me feel good to hear someone being brave and saying, “I know I’m bigger and you know you love it.” Full disclosure coming: I’m a size 16 in the hips and a 38D up top. I don’t really know how to dress myself to look good and I wear makeup really only 10% of the time. The fashion and makeup stuff is a skill/time issue but I still remember what it was like to be skinny and look very sexy naked and I just don’t feel like I do anymore. I have a new body now and it’s songs like this that help me learn to appreciate it. Body-anxiety is very distressing pretty much every time I think about trying to be in public or dating or even making friends (or being with my self-righteous sister who likes to condemn people when they order fries for lunch or breathe a little harder when going up stairs).

                Third, but definitely not least on my list is by another singer I’ve just discovered; Mary Lambert. Who, in one of her videos actually wears a dress that I own myself! I was geeking out about that (OMG, I wear the same dress as a celebrity, suck it my fashionista friends…). Her song, ‘Secrets’ hits a very personal nerve. About every line is true for me; except I don’t love my butt, I’m not gay,  and I’m not scared of the dentist I just hate it there.

I've got bi-polar disorder
My shit's not in order
I'm overweight
I'm always late
I've got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

[Pre-Chorus:]
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can't think straight, I'm so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I'm passive, aggressive
I'm scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won't shut up
And I never really grew up

[Pre-Chorus]

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

[Chorus:]
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

(I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are)
So what
So what
So what
So what

Link to her website http://marylambertsings.com/

The Celebrity Sex List

Since all my posts have been so negative lately (well, shit happens to me, what ya gonna do?) I thought I'd throw in something purely puffy just because and to say that I'm not upset all the time. Sometimes, I think about stuff like this;

The Celebrity Sex List

The Celebrity Sex List is the list of people you can have sex with even if you're in a relationship. Even though that really isn't me right now (When you're single, your sex list is just: 1. Everyone), I definitely know who would be on mine.

1. Benedict Cumberbatch

Well, he was just so fantastically HOT in The Hobbit;

  

 Couldn't resist.

But, he is hot.

I didn't see it immediately, but after a couple episodes of Sherlock something clicked for me. I think it's his smile and how he lights up when he's acting. You just have to see him work, I think. Also, word on the internet is that he's a fantastic guy, a feminist, and a soft kisser (Molly's own words);

Swoon.

2. Colin Morgan

He's more than just the skinny boy who started out on Merlin. I think I may have a think for unconventionally attractive European actors who play characters with supernatural abilities? In any case, yes to Colin : )

3. Aaron Taylor Johnson

I usually tend to go for smart, more handsome guys. But this guy I put on this list for one reason only and that is one of the last scenes in Kick-Ass 2 where he is all buff and doing one-arm pull-ups, Oh  my  God.

 

 

4. David Tennant

Um, well, he's the Doctor. 

And, his love story with Rose Tyler will always be one of my favorites. It's actually the reason that I got into watching Doctor Who.

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones

I've always had a celebrity crush on this lady. She is so classy and sophisticated, yet totally sexy. I may never have completely swung that way but I'm confident I would for Catherine.

Spring and Summer in a Nutshell (TW-suicide)

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION

I haven't been posting much lately; I'm not really good about getting things done or following through on plans. I have a box full of dirty dishes in my dining room and actually it's not the only one.

I didn't go to work today. I actually just looked at the clock, realized I was ridiculously late and I knew I didn't give a shit about going in or even trying to get ready much less booking it to get there on time.

So I called in sick. It's not like I had a lot of work to do anyway and I'm not sure I would care if I did. I think something that was said at work yesterday triggered me. We are trying to improve our processes and there is a woman helping us; we had a meeting with her yesterday and she said she would be meeting with all of us to ask basically which tasks we like about our jobs and which we don't. One of my braver coworkers spoke up in the meeting and said it best, "I come to work, but not to work, because there isn't any work for me to do!"

I'm not sure I like anything about my job. But it's hard for me to look for new ones. I look through positions online but when I see open ones they usually do not excite me. Mostly it looks just like more tiresome bullshit. The ones I do get excited about and apply for, it's really difficult for me to write the cover letters because I get so anxious. But then I don't hear anything back and my self-esteem and motivation take hits that they can't really afford.

I tried to look a little for jobs today, but I couldn't do much. I got a headache and laid back down. There was a bit of sunlight that was very bright shining in my eyes and sunlight triggers my headaches. I think perhaps I am a vampire now. I've worked so long in a basement that I just can't handle being above ground during the day. It's probably a thing.

Anyway; to break down the timeline between my previous postings and now,

In a Nutshell

• I saw my psychiatrist (hereafter known as Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside); he was a horrible person. He deserves for me to sue him because he messed up my meds and upset me repeatedly; often yelling at me and all but telling me to shut up when I tried to tell him my symptoms.
• This spring I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal ideation. I would come in to work fresh from thinking about walking in front of traffic. 
• I didn't have much of a support system. For various reasons I basically have no one to talk to about this. And because I was becoming desperate and because my coworker (hereafter known as Bitchy McTraitor) and I had started becoming closer friends, I confided in her that I was having a rough time and that I had been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 
• She said I should tell my manager about my diagnosis but I disagreed. I didn't tell my employer about my diagnosis because I was afraid of giving them another reason to fire me. I know it's illegal, but they almost fired me before for a workplace injury that happened there so why not depression? They're shady, horrible people, and they proved it with all the shit that happened before with my injury. I have never trusted my manager and I told Bitchy McTraitor that.
• Bitchy McTraitor was initially sympathetic but soon distanced herself from me, and then began talking about me behind my back to other coworkers and complained about me to management. Apparently, she told management she was 'concerned about me,' but the stuff I've heard that she told other people does not support that at all. Mostly I think she was upset because I wasn't getting work done right away and she has always been one to look over my shoulder. But she should have also noticed me crying next to her at work most days. She is a heartless bitch. I mean, what kind of person sees a person, presumably a friend, who is in real trouble and says, 'man, look how this is affecting me? Look how much my workload has slightly increased because there's obviously a serious problem going on in my coworker's life. Instead of saying anything to this friend of mine and seeing if I can help her in any way, maybe I should go to management who have shown in the past that they have zero actual investment in the happiness of their employees and see how that works out.'
• This complaint led to me being written up for creating a 'hostile working environment,' and other work mistakes that were a bit shady and left mostly unexplained. I was given a week to 'improve the situation' or be terminated.
• By this time I had left Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside's practice and found someone new (an NP we'll call NP Flowers) who had straightened out my meds and explained (as much as I could understand) why Dr. Dead-Inside-and-Mostly-Outside was obviously an incompetent prick. NP Flowers and I had a bit of a rough start but we're getting along fine now.
• So; once I got written up I kicked my working mode into high gear, I was mostly on time every day (as good as it gets), I quadruple-checked all my work before it went out, I did all my work right when I got it, and most importantly I scheduled time with my manager to discuss how to deal with Bitchy McTraitor. 
• There's a lot more to this story, a LOT. But bascially, I kicked ass and I took fucking names and one of them is Bitchy McTraitor's. I am now back in my manager's good graces and I cover my ass every time Bitchy McTraitor makes some new bitch move against me, so that my manager can see what a complete bully and horrible person she is. I am friendly to them even though neither of them are in MY good graces.

Maybe I will tell the rest of that story some other time. There are a lot of stories here but I think it's time to admit I'm not good at getting things done and I just want to get some of this hurt written down. Maybe it will help me sleep tonight, I don't know. I'm really considering making cookies. Or going out to buy cookies. I don't know, I feel like I need cookies.

I think I may be on a downward turn again and that is not good. Maybe it was the adrenaline and anxiety keeping me going this summer and now I'm spent. I'm finally getting a new therapist and I have made the appointment for next Friday. Hopefully she can help me get enough confidence and motivation or whatever I need to get the right stuff to finally get out of this job.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.